Not Just Another Sunday

I woke up right on time. Got up and showered then had bargain brand cheerios because lets face it... I'm broke. It is just another Sunday I told myself. Sat through Sunday school attentively and prayed sincerely as we shared needs amongst our group. As we talked about upcoming events and goings on at church I contributed where I could and then it was time to worship. Focus I told myself. You need to focus in on the word and what God is saying. Oh was I ever right. As Pastor Gary told us of some of his college adventures he spoke of finding a place to rest and restore and find encouragement. He spoke of a place where you're not alone, where people love you and care about you and after a worship set that had brought tears to my eyes I thought to myself... this place, this church, these people, this is where I find peace and hope and rest and where I come to seek refuge. This is what he is talking about. His words struck my heart as he talked about a heart of expectation and I thought about the true meaning of worship. There is nothing better than coming before God and entering his presence. And as if to solidify my thoughts and to bring joy and a smile much needed there, in the entry way at church sat care packages and one had my name on it. The ladies of our church took an evening to pack boxes full of treats and love for all the young adults in our church. This is what church is guys. A group of people loving, challenging, supporting, and guiding each other. A family of people who love God and love each other and love their neighbors ad themselves. There is no place I would rather be.

Stormy Nights

Memories fade in the distant past
Days months and years go buy
You never once cross my mind
Then all of a sudden
 Out of the blue
 A fire work goes off
Thunder cracks across the night sky
 And there I am
A little girl In the middle of a never ending storm
 Feeling the pain of many moons ago
Hearing your words echo once again
 The smell of your aftershave
 It takes every ounce of strength I have
To say no
 This is today
I am safe now
I am home now
You're gone.
 Dead and gone
Memories fade in the distant past

Song Lyrics at 2am

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter
Just you and me God in this lil place.
Just you and me God
Lord fill this empty place

Dark and twisted paths
Leading through the night
Its undeniable
I'm lost with no sign of light
If only you were here
You'd know just where to go
Lead me to find safety where you are

Hope faith and love
They hold me together
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter
Just you and me God in this great big place
Just you and me God
Lord fill this empty space

Running the the woods
Stumbling cross the roots
yearning for break of day, still hours away.
Falling on my knees looking up I cry out.
Where are you God of mine, please come and show the way.

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter.
Just you and me God in this big ol world
Just you and me God Lord fill this broken girl
I'm running in circles.
Looking for you're face.
Stumbling through this darkness feeling out of place.
This isn't where I belong God.
This I know for sure.
Meet me here dear father.
Come to your little girl.
Its then I hear these words said, in that still small, quiet voice.
I'm right there with you daughter, can't you hear my voice.
Look around you and you'll see.
I never left your side.
I've been right there with you child.
I'll always be your guide.

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter.
Just you and me God Just you and me God
Just you and me

As Bright as the Sun

It has been a good while since I have posted. Too long. I guess life has just taken me away from writing for a while. Which is never a good thing for me. But in recent history things has turned. Depression and anxiety and PTSD, they suck guys. The eat you up from the inside out and eventually you go into meltdown. Eventually you get to the point where you just can't handle it anymore. You can't pretend to smile or laugh, you can't enjoy the things you love, you just want to hide and sleep. At least that is how it is for me. Last night at a bible study about joy the last month or so kind of just exploded. Well not even so much the last month. More like the last 2 1/2 months. It is crazy to believe all the things that have happened. I finally put down the blade for good. No more cutting. I opened up about things I have never talked about before. I began healing. Let me tell ya folks, healing hurts. Healing hurts a lot. But it is worth it. It is worth it to give up all the hurts and anger and scary thoughts and hard nights to God and let him work. At a healing service this past Sunday God showed me a whole lot about who I am and what he sees in me and what he has for me in the future and it is not depression, anxiety or bouts of PTSD. It is not being scared of thunderstorms, jumping at a car door slamming, or crying because I don't know how else to handle the things I feel. Being a bit blunt today but this is reality guys and gals. This is my life. But it wont be my life forever. God is in the healing business. He is. And he is, in his timing, healing and working in my heart. At about 3am I came to the conclusion that there are an awful lot of people who love me, who are fighting with me and who are sick of seeing me hurt like I have been and if that is how they feel I can only imagine how much is pains God to see me like this. So here's to healing. To peace, love and joy. Here is to fresh starts, new life and a future as bright as the sun.

Dreams Coming True

Just about two years ago God placed a dream on my heart. Something I knew I couldn't ignore but something I couldn't see ever happening. He gave me a heart for children long before I had ever grown up. But last July he gave me a heart for a very special group of children. Children who had been used and abused and treated like garbage. He placed these kids on my heart and he told me to do something. To walk with him. Be faithful and reach these kids. Honestly... I laughed. I thought God was insane. I said no way. I said it was impossible. I thought to myself "How can I ever possibly reach out to these kids. Bring them hope, love, joy and love when I am so broken and so hurting and so hopeless myself?". Two years later the pieces are falling into place. I knew I didn't have the skills to go as big as God had told me I needed to but I also knew that if I took a step of faith and started small God would do the hard work. But still I did not know what that looked like. What was that first step? How was this going to happen. It started with just small posts once in a while. A post about human trafficking, a post about healing, a post about God's goodness and with each post God grew my audience just a little. Now as I dream big and pray about the future I can see God working in other ways. Opening other doors to bigger platforms and better opportunities. I can see where God is placing people in my life who inspire and push me forward. I can see him growing and stretching me to become the woman he created.  I can see the dream he placed in my heart starting to play out. Its coming together before my very eyes. Watch out folks. Here I am. Take this life as a sacrifice God. Use me, lead me, guide me, love me. Have your way with my life.  Lord help me to help these kids. That's been my prayer for two years now and finally it's happening. God is moving. He is doing something so much bigger than me. I only hope I make him proud to call me his daughter. In words and in deeds. Lord let my life honor you. And some day, let me be everything you have called me to be.

What Now?

My phone vibrates and my heart skips a beat. Is it him again? What is he going to say this time? I smile and I laugh and I wonder. What is this? What is happening? I don't understand the feelings or thoughts. I don't know just what to make of all this. It's too good to be true but I know I am not dreaming. It is insane. I am losing my mind. He is very real. Late night talks, questions fly back and forth. Commonalities and differences come to light. And then I think to myself. Wait. Slow down. Think things through. Breathe. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. No need for labels or words or rushing into things. It's a blessing. It's new. It's a beautiful thing. But it's just that. It's new. Sometimes I get swept up in the moment and I get confused and I get all weirded out and worried about silly things that don't matter and sometimes I get way over excited. And other time I get scared. Emotions go crazy. Sometimes they tend to color our days in ways that we can't explain. I took a step out on a limb and I took a risk and I met someone rather amazing. Now what? Well I don't know what now. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. That's what now.

Lyrics and Poetry

It is a well known fact that I love reading, writing and singing. As I sat down tonight after a long day my craving was for the things of God. I curled up on my couch and I pulled out my Bible. Still within earshot of Abbie as she sleeps but far enough away so that she wasn't distracting me. I flipped open to Proverbs and opened Pandora to a worship station and I let the poetry of the Bible speak. I found myself reading proverbs 31 but more specifically the passage about a wife of noble character.

 Proverbs 31: 10-31

10 

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

 She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This passage has always awed me.I am bad with my  money, always have been. I do love to open my home to friends and family alike but as for strangers... well I am just not that trusting. After meditating on this passage for the second time today a song played on Pandora that brought a tear to my eye. Its an old Casting  Crowns song. The chorus cut right to the heart of the matter.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

Who am I? I am certainly not a wife yet, and nowhere near a wife of noble character. I sin and fall short of the glory of God as we all do. It's a miracle that I've made it this far in life but honestly it's not about me. It's not about what I have done or haven't done. It's about Jesus, what he did for me. How he loved me, how he holds my heart, how he cares for me and how he gladly takes upon his shoulder all that I carry so I can stand up and be free. HE is the one that makes all life possibly, he is the one who makes it possibly to be the wife of noble character. He is the one who can change, shape, and mold me into the woman I long to be. Its not because of who I am but because of what he did. Lyrics and poetry have a way of speaking to my heart. There is nothing better than reading my bible on a warm summer night with worship music playing in the background because God is nearest in those moments and he speaks through the lines, words and music to the heart of the matter.