When it Rains...

They say when it rains it pours. In light of the past few months I would almost have  to agree except that seems extremely negative. Yes things have been insane, to an outsider it would appear that my world is falling apart but in reality I have come to accept that " God works all things for the good of those who love him" and that I have been asked to "Cast all my anxieties on him for he cares for me". It can be so hard to keep your chin up when your life looks like mine does. The deck is stacked against me but I have faith that God is up to something. God is working in my life. God is amazing, he has great plans, he knows what he is doing. That is enough for me. Sometimes I get down, we all do but in the end God doesn't want us walking around down and gloomy all the time! He has great things for all of us in some way. It takes time to figure that out, and he won't force it on us. He leads us one step at a time. He gives us what we can handle and he gives us what we need to handle what he give us. I was thinking this morning, after some unexpected stress and complicated mumbo jumbo, " God why?' His answer was simple " Jennifer, why not?". From every circumstance, every trial, every blessing there is something to be learned. It is not always crystal clear what that something is but it's always very clear when you look that God is working. So yeah, needed to get that off my chest. God IS working. I don't know how or when or where he will use this but he is teaching me some valuable lesson that I will someday appreciate.

wooooaaaaah what???

Its late afternoon, early evening. The sun is just setting and wouldn't you know after weeks of praying God speaks like he never had before. I was sitting on my bed, messaging on facebook and taking to random people. I had spent the past few days having some hard conversations and knew there were many more to come but i was talking to my best friend when this happened ( straight from facebook chat) :

Alyssa: you are a pretty deep woman of God aren't ya?
Me: we all have those things. and what are you talking bout your nuts if you think im a deep woman of God. sooo not the case
Alyssa: yeah you have a lotttt to talk about from your past and a lot to bring to the table in terms of helping people.you know what. i can easily picture you as a preacher hahaha

Some of you may be surprised  to know that this is not the first time this has crossed my mind. three years ago, in 10th grade we were asked to spend a week thinking about what we wanted to do with our lives. At that time I was really messed up but instantly, the first thing that came to mind was ministry. Three years later I now know God on a much deeper personal level and out of no where this comes up again. Well I shouldn't say out of nowhere really.Since Urbana I had been praying for guidance and direction and I had spent that afternoon in the word trying to sort through a lot of personal crud but this was soo unexpected. I had been questioning my major for a few weeks, unsure that that is what God has for me, and then this! Talk about a mountaintop experience. I don't know what this means yet but I am certainly praying about it. I am spending a lot of time, money and energy to be here and go to school. I don't want to waste all that on something that is not of God. Holy Moly as my little sister would say. Unexpected but expected at the same time. I have no clue where this is going yet but in  the next few weeks I can guarantee you will hear, see and read more about this. This is huge for me. A total wooooaaah whaaaat????? moment.

Definition

This is how dictionary.com defines Christian:

adjective


1.of, pertaining to, or derived from Jesus Christ or His teachings: a Christian faith.


2.of, pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ:Spain is a Christian country.


3.of or pertaining to Christians: many Christian deaths in the Crusades.


4.exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ; Christlike: She displayed true Christian charity.


5.decent; respectable: They gave him a good Christian burial.


I have to ask myself... am I living a christian life? Truly in the deepest depths of my heart and mind am I reflecting Christ? Am I reflecting God? Am I Living the life he has set out for me? In the past few days I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting. I posted earlier today (sorry for the back to back posts) about my name and what it means. I have been hearing God call my name more and more lately as I have been asking him to reveal his plans for my life and in the end I think he is saying something huge when he is calling my name. I heard a sermon this past Saturday about having a mountaintop experiences and hearing God, listening to him reveal his plans in that way. A step by step process. I think as I was praying with a friend, a woman I have grown to see as an adopted-mom, the Christian mom I never had, I think I found that mountaintop experience. God called me by name. He knows me. He knows every cell in my body my thoughts and my heart and guess what Im not worthy of that. I have not been living a life worthy of him, his grace love, or attention. I have been living a lie and I am not worthy to be called Christian, daughter of Christ. Yet as I was spending the day alone, praying adn searching for God he reminded me that no one deserves what he so freely gives. Nobody can earn or ever will earn his love or gifts. His grace is mind-blowing and all we have to do is believe that he loves us and accept the gift of his atoning sacrifice, his one and only son. Its impissible to understand why God loves us the way he does but its entirely possibly to surrender to him and let him clean out the sin in out lives. Its hard but its possible. Can I ask all you, my readers and friends, to hold me accountable to letting God work through me, cleaning out the sin in my life and making me pure, clean and white as my name, and God calls me to be?

Jennifer

I love my name, I always have. Jennifer. Recently I was praying with a wonderful woman of God, someone I have grown to love and trust a lot since September and a lot came out of that. I was stressed and hurting and feeling the burden of a lifetime of struggling with the same sin, one God had helped me turn from once before, and one I had fallen back into. While we were praying she kept hearing my name which was very odd for me since I had no clue what my name meant or why it had any significance, especially considering we weren't even praying about me. We were praying for family situations and wisdom, but God knew what the real problem was. It all came back to that sin and the lack of forgiveness for that sin. Anyway getting back to the point of the matter, My name is Jennifer and God gave me that name for a reason. It means fair, smooth, pure, and white waves. That really struck me. I had come a very long way in dealing with this sin but it was still causing problems and separating me from people I loved. I had asked to be forgiven by God on many occasions when I realized that sin was slipping in again but in reality I had never asked those I had hurt to forgive me and I certainly had not been living a pure, clean, white life. CONVICTION TIME!!! This awesome women also had given me this chapter to read waaay back in October, and I had forgotten about it until she reminded me of it once again. Titus 3 was the chapter and after praying with her I once again shrugged it off until I was sitting in the library and out of nowhere I felt the sudden pang to read my bible. I flipped to the chapter and this is what I found.

"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, ² to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.³ At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. ⁴ But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, ⁶ whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷ so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. ⁸ This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.⁹ But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. ¹⁰ Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. ¹¹ You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned." 

Okie Dokie then! Wow did I have a lot to pray about. God was making it pretty stinking clear that he was not happy with how I had been living my life but at the same time what was even clearer was that he wants me to make things right, to apologize, ask to be forgiven, and receive his grace, love and help. This is a process that scares me even now but I have realized that when I come to people to talk to them of my own will they are much more willing to hear me out and forgive me. Unlike in previous experiences where my sin had been exposed in a very public and unpleasant way, I was coming to them and the fact that I was being honest and that it hurt me to have hurt them (even though they were clueless until I brought it up) was enough for them to see that I was trying to change my ways with Gods help. As it says in the book of Hebrews : No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. This hurts for the time being but I can tell you this much. After talking to just two people I already feel much better about life and myself. Nothing like some unexpected wisdom and love from a great God that cares way too much about me.

New Beginings

I recently posted about a list of things i was frustrated with. I was angry and annoying and was trying to figure out how the heck I was going to do all these things that I just couldn't seem to get right with a broken hand. It bubbled over and I got seriously angry, I made some poor decisions and decided I was just going to hide and feel sorry for myself but then I talked to a great friend, a sort of adopted big sister, and Lyssa, thanks. She gave me some very wise words, ones most people wouldn't have said but they were what I needed to hear. Now I have a new semi-corny list.

1. I can pray that God teaches me through this, shows me new ways how to do old things, and help me learn and grow from this
2. I can do my hair one handed if need be but Merry Ann has also volunteered to  french braid my hair for me on Sundays, so I won't always look like a train wreck.
3. I can type instead of writing, I know it's not the same but it's better than going crazy
4. I can eat with friends, all of whom are awesome enough to help me carry things so that I don't wear them or cover the floor with them
5. I can suck of my pride and ask for help.

That last one, I think that one is the most important. I grew up being told that I could do anything, that I never needed to ask anyone for help because I could do it all my myself. I always thought asking for help was a sign of weakness but now I realize I was being really prideful and that there is nothing wrong with asking for help when I can't do something myself. Today is the first day of a list of new commitments for me and I am very excited. Hopefully this dumb hand thing will be " more a blessing and learning curve than a burden, a way to grow and learn" to quote one of my closest friends!

(^^^)

It started as a typical day before leaving for school. It didn't stay that way for long. With my brother being home for a funeral, our Uncle having passed away the week prior, everyone was on edge but I never saw this coming. Adam and i chilling on the couch. he wanted to do a shot of captain i agreed because we were home and it was one shot i knew id be fine with that no big deal so we each had one airplane bottle and decided to play cards. then mom came out and accused me of stealing from her backpack. i hadn't and told her so. then she accused me of being a lying drunken stealing (other things i wont repeat) deadbeat. i said mom i love you but I'm not going to take being treated like this. she said fine. get out. i put on my sneakers and went for a walk. started running for a bit on my favorite trail and got to and old tree on a corner in the trail. i back-handed the tree and that's how i busted my hand
With the list of things I cant do at the moment I am growing more and more frustrated.

1. I cant walk from the Union with lunch without spilling it
2. I cant hold a drink in my right hand without a spill proof lid
3. I cant do my own laundry
4. I cant wash my dishes
5. I cant write,paint, or play guitar

and the list goes on

Seems like a lot. It is. For someone as hard-headed as I am this is killer. I have gotten good at asking for prayer in recent history but asking people for help doing every day things, that I am not very good at. There must be something to learn from this, first of all that I need to work on controlling my temper, but what else is God going to teach me from all of this?

The Story Behind Urbana 12

You have seen the story of Urbana 12. This is the story that leads up to it!

When I first came to school in September I broke out of my shell for the very first time. I pushed myself long and hard. I made myself into the person that I had always wanted to be. I made myself step out of my comfort zone. I made myself into a person I no longer recognized. I didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. I was just floating along. I went to Intervarsity, bible studies, church, and I spent time with people I grew to know and love as family but all the while I was doing all of this I was ripping myself apart. My grades took a hit, relationships back home fell apart while I was trying to be this new, better person that no one understood. The longer I was that person the worse things got. I was being two-faces and playing a very dangerous game for which I paid a dear price. At a Christmas party right before the end of the semester I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be real with someone but I was afraid and I was hurting. I knew in just a few short weeks I would be going to Urbana but at that point I had no idea why I was even bothering. If I couldn’t handle being at a party with my closest friends without breaking down and freaking out I had no idea how I would ever be ok in a room full of thousands of strangers. Turns out that is just what I needed. At that party I cracked. I was broken in two after months of fighting to hold myself together. God had brought me a long way at that point. He had healed that pain from a broken past but this was new and different and I dint know what to do with it. Finally Urbana arrived. It was there God took the time to show me who he is, who I am, and who he wants me to be. It was there that once again I got down on my knees to pray and I met God. There that I let him in to mess everything up and start new again. He came into my life in a very new way that week. He told me many very important things. I had come to Urbana scared, worried, and stressed beyond belief. God had one thing to say about that. “Knock it off. I am here aren’t I? Haven’t I already taken care of everything for you to be here? Haven’t I already brought you from darkness into light? Haven’t I forgiven you and made you new? How could you possibly think that I wouldn’t show up and care for you? I called you to be here! I wanted you here! I planned this very moment! Trust me daughter! I have amazing plans for your future, they don’t match yours but mine are better. I know that is scary but you will be amazing, just have faith in the one father that has never left you. The one that’s always there to wipe away the tears. The daddy you cry out to in the night. I am right here. I have it all planned out and as long as you stay real with me and everyone around you it will be a great life for you, not without struggles and trials but it will be worth it if you walk with me.” Yes, I hear God like I hear a person standing next to me talking about yesterday’s test and yes that set me straight. That was just the beginning of about an hour of talking with God. He had a lot more to say as did I. I am not going to say that Urbana changed my life but am going to say that once again God came in messed everything up and made life a million times better.

Urbana

Walking into Urbana I had no clue why I was going or what I was looking for, I only knew that God wanted me there and had provided for me to be there so I was going. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. God met me, taught me about myself, taught me about himself, and taught me how he wanted to use me. It was an experience that I will never forget, one that changed me more than I could have ever imagined beforehand.

          It was a rough week for me in a lot of ways. I am not very good with crowds or cities, and that’s putting it mildly. It was a challenge but it was well worth stepping outside my comfort zone to see what God had for me throughout the week. Every day through worship, seminars, prayer and discussion with friends, new and old, I learned more and more about not only God but myself as well.

 Some of the things God told me were pretty predictable, that’s not to say I didn’t need to hear them, while others caught me completely off guard. God reminded me that I need to be real. That it is ok to not be ok and that showing my weaknesses doesn’t make me weak, it makes me stronger because it is then that people can see me relying on my amazing God for strength to get through those harder moments. This was big for me because it means changing everything I have been doing up until now but I know that this is how I should be living life, as myself!

That’s another God showed me. He showed me who I am, what I am passionate about, where I have been sinning and need to ask forgiveness, and where my life is going in the future, both near and far. I always pictured my life as a simple, non-eventful, go with the flow life. I wanted to go to college, get my degree in education, teach in a nice quiet school district, and enjoy life as best I could. God however, had other plans. He had given me a heart that breaks over the tragedies of abuse and human trafficking, especially child trafficking and he wants me to use my passion to teach to help these children. He is calling me to long term mission after college, to help save these kids and give them hope, show them love and give them an education so they have options and don’t have to go back into the trafficking industry. I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet but I am excited to find out.

Finally God showed me a lot about who he is. How big, amazing, powerful, loving, and all-encompassing he is. How much he loves me, how big hid plans are and really what he is all about. I could type for days about all I learned in seminar, worship and prayer but these are the highlights. These are the things that shaped and changed me. These are the things I will never forget. These are the things that made Urbana 12 worth every second of fear, anxiety, stress and exhaustion. The great things God did while I was in St. Louis are too big for words in many ways but there you have it. Urbana 12 in a nutshell.