Friday, May 30, 2014
Stepping Stones
Each day I wake up is a day I am awed. I find it hard to believe I am still here, that I am breathing, walking, talking. Sometimes I have mixed emotions about this. Each day I wake up with struggles to face. Emotional, physical, mental, circumstantial, spiritual, relational. Each day brings a list of challenges and worries. Each challenge and worry a stepping stone. A chance to fall into the water or a chance to hop across the rocks and make it to the other side. As I work towards overcoming feelings and actions which are destructive and unhealthy I find some days are easier than others. I find that there are ways to handle thoughts and feeling that are constructive but I often find it much harder to turn to those things. I try to read and write and pray and sing but sometimes I find myself picking up a blade or pushing myself too hard to accomplish some unattainable goal or drinking or who knows what else.It is in that moment when I have to decide and I going to hop across or fall into the water? I am choosing more and more to hop across. For the next few months my blog is going to look a little different. It will probably be more raw, more uncensored and I am sorry if this bothers you but hey, I started counseling today! I am finally getting help to deal with, and face all the hurts. I am processing and praying and growing and I hope you will walk this walk with me. Pray with me. Grow with me. I look forward to this season, although I know it won't be easy as God heals and leads. Today I took a huge leap, not just a small step to the next stone but jumped to the next boulder. Change is coming... LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!
Darkest Hour
It is in the darkest hour that we find what what we are truly made of, what we can endure. It is when the world is caving in on us, when every breathe feels like our last, when every moment we live is another miracle. That is when we find out just who we are. Do we stand in the rain? Do we hide under the blankets? Do we run for cover? Do we sit down pray and pull out that beat up old bible we have been kicking around? I am going to be real for a minute. I am going to be vulnerable. I have a problem that is eating at me and destroying me sometimes slowly and sometimes faster than I can control. I am human. I am a sinner and this is my darkest hour. For a while I stood in the rain and cried. Why? Because when it's raining nobody can tel how hard you're crying. Then I hid under my blankets. Why? Again because nobody can see under the big comfy blankets. I can hide until someone comes and crawls under the covers with me. After that I ran for cover. Because I wanted to be alone. I wanted to live in my own private corner and not have to answer to anyone. Finally, when all else failed I sat on my cold tile floor and I picked up that dusty old bible that I had been kicking around. I never go very far without it but recently it has become more of a paper weight than a sacred, holy, life giving book and love letter. I sat on the floor I picked up that book and I read the story of the Prodigal son. Luke chapter 15: 11-31
Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
In reading this I saw the Father's love for me. I opened my eyes, I took a look around, I saw what I had done, how I had squandered my inheritance so to speak and I saw just how easy it was to run home. To come home to my Daddy. To come home is all I need. In my darkest hour all I needed was to run home. It's so simple. So profound. How deep the Father's love for me? How vast beyond all measure? How much grace and mercy! It is then I discovered that my darkest hour comes just before the dawn and it was time for the sun to rise.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Revelations
I've been a walking heartache. I've made a mess of me. The person I've been lately isn't who I want to be. I have made mistakes, done unspeakable things. I have sinned against God, myself and the ones I love. I have been a truly awful person but now I need to be real. I need to be myself but more importantly be a woman God looks upon and smiles. My thoughts and actions need to honor my father in heaven. My heart needs to be pure. I need to forgive and be forgiven. I am finding myself at a loss for words. I have become a person I hate. A hypocrite and a failure at best. Finding redemption at the Cross of Jesus Christ is my only hope. When things got hard I ran away. I ran to a bottle, to a blade, to a boy. I ran as far away from God as I could because I couldn't handle disappointing yet another person I love but now I see that I am loved regardless of my actions. That is a powerful thing but it's not to be abused. I still have to walk in grace and in truth. I still have to honor God in all I do. Grace isn't a get out of jail free card it's the gift of unconditional love and unmerited favor given freely to those who believe. Not the same thing. So here's to starting over. Finding myself and finding God. Here's to becoming a woman God can be proud of.
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