What Now?

My phone vibrates and my heart skips a beat. Is it him again? What is he going to say this time? I smile and I laugh and I wonder. What is this? What is happening? I don't understand the feelings or thoughts. I don't know just what to make of all this. It's too good to be true but I know I am not dreaming. It is insane. I am losing my mind. He is very real. Late night talks, questions fly back and forth. Commonalities and differences come to light. And then I think to myself. Wait. Slow down. Think things through. Breathe. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. No need for labels or words or rushing into things. It's a blessing. It's new. It's a beautiful thing. But it's just that. It's new. Sometimes I get swept up in the moment and I get confused and I get all weirded out and worried about silly things that don't matter and sometimes I get way over excited. And other time I get scared. Emotions go crazy. Sometimes they tend to color our days in ways that we can't explain. I took a step out on a limb and I took a risk and I met someone rather amazing. Now what? Well I don't know what now. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. That's what now.

Lyrics and Poetry

It is a well known fact that I love reading, writing and singing. As I sat down tonight after a long day my craving was for the things of God. I curled up on my couch and I pulled out my Bible. Still within earshot of Abbie as she sleeps but far enough away so that she wasn't distracting me. I flipped open to Proverbs and opened Pandora to a worship station and I let the poetry of the Bible speak. I found myself reading proverbs 31 but more specifically the passage about a wife of noble character.

 Proverbs 31: 10-31

10 

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

 She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This passage has always awed me.I am bad with my  money, always have been. I do love to open my home to friends and family alike but as for strangers... well I am just not that trusting. After meditating on this passage for the second time today a song played on Pandora that brought a tear to my eye. Its an old Casting  Crowns song. The chorus cut right to the heart of the matter.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

Who am I? I am certainly not a wife yet, and nowhere near a wife of noble character. I sin and fall short of the glory of God as we all do. It's a miracle that I've made it this far in life but honestly it's not about me. It's not about what I have done or haven't done. It's about Jesus, what he did for me. How he loved me, how he holds my heart, how he cares for me and how he gladly takes upon his shoulder all that I carry so I can stand up and be free. HE is the one that makes all life possibly, he is the one who makes it possibly to be the wife of noble character. He is the one who can change, shape, and mold me into the woman I long to be. Its not because of who I am but because of what he did. Lyrics and poetry have a way of speaking to my heart. There is nothing better than reading my bible on a warm summer night with worship music playing in the background because God is nearest in those moments and he speaks through the lines, words and music to the heart of the matter.