Counselors Too

When the music fades

When worship is over

When the speaker speaks

When God shows up

Campers experience God

They learn and they grow

They are convicted and changed

God works among them

I came to camp

Not as a camper

I came to camp

As a counselor

I came expecting to teach love and help

I came thinking

That this would be any other weekend

When the music fades

When worship is over

When the speaker speaks

When God shows up

Counselors find God too

We too are stretched

We too are grown

Counselors too

Come to camp

And leave camp difference

No one is immune

No one

Finish Line

I made a commitment

to make a change

I made a commitment

I can't go back

I set a goal

It's an uphill battle

One I will someday win

I can't give up

It's may get hard

But it is worth fighting

To get to that place

The one I want to be in

A better happier healthier place

A place I can be proud of

I made a commitment

to make a change

I made a commitment

To never go back

One day 

One step

One battle

At a time

I will see the end draw near

Look in the mirror

And be proud

When that day comes

I know in my heart

The struggle will pay off

And I will hear him say

"Well done, good and faithful one"

New Again

I am a sinner

 I fall short time and time again

Day in and day out

I claim to live for Jesus

Day in and day out

I walk away from the one I claim to love

I know what needs to be done

I am letting fear and doubt hold me back

NO MORE!

I want to be free again 

I want to be the woman he wants me to be

I want to truly love and live for him

I am not OK 

I want more of my God in my life

I want less of me 

I mess things up

He makes them perfect again

I just want to be free

Free at last

Free from the struggles of the past

Never to turn back again

I want to be

Authentic

Real

Genuine

I want to be his

Only his

Butterflies

With everything going on lately things have been really crazy. New "friends", new adventures, new projects and goals. With all that comes a lot of stress. With that stress comes major mood swings. With those mood swings come major fears, awful lows, and scary thought. I was thinking about how I dealt with all this today. There are many things I do to keep myself sane. This is the list i came up with:

1. I pray
2. I write
3. I sing
4. I talk, to friends and God
5. I follow the Butterfly project rules

For those of you who don't know what the butterfly project is these are the general rules:

1. when you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly on wherever the self-harm occurs. 

2. name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better. 

3. NO scrubbing the butterfly off.

4. if you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. if you don't cut, it lives.

5. if you have more than one, cutting kills them all.

6. another person may draw them on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them.

7. even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. if you do this, name it after someone you know that is suffering right now, and tell them. it could help.

Not sure why I am really writing this post but in the end I hope it helps someone. It's a hard struggle, an uphill battle sometimes to keep yourself clean, sober, harm-free and living a life God would want you to live. These are things that help me. Things I rely on daily. Things I wouldn't be able to survive without.

Faster

This world keeps spinning

faster and faster

One day I am home on the couch

the next day I am a college student

One day I am Up to my ears in stress

the next day I am relaxing and lounging, nothing to do

One day I am lost

the next day i am found

One day, the next day

This life is constantly changing and shifting

I never know what to expect

I never know what is coming with the next sunrise

I never know

I just don't

But at the same time I don't know

I know someone who does know

I know a guy that has all the plans

Written out, to show me one day at a time

Step by step

Little by little

He shows me what to do

What to expect

What is coming with the next sunrise

Life can be so crazy

It doesn't slow down

Not for me, not for anyone

There is always uncertainty

There is always a new adventure

There is always something to learn

I will never know it all

Then again

Not knowing

That can be the best part

The not knowing

It leaves room for surprise

It leaves room for fun

It leaves room for learning

Room for growing, mistakes and laughter

As this world keeps spinning faster and faster

 

Change

It's hard to imagine that after eight years of dreaming and imagining my future that it would take only six weeks to change all my plans. It's hard to accept that what I had thought was perfect for me in reality was never a possibility. It's hard to accept that God's plans are the perfect ones when they don't match up with mine. It's hard to change a lifetime of dreaming over night. It took a series of events, some smaller and some larger, it took a lot of prayer and seeking God, It took advice from people I know and love, it took seeing myself for who I am not who I wanted to be. It wasn't easy. It's still not easy. To accept that my future looks completely different than I ever though it would. I will never be a teacher in a class room. I will never have students of my own. Instead I will write, like I always have. I will follow my passion for people. I will speak Spanish and I will follow God. Not necessarily in that order but that's who I am in reality. I am a writer that loves English and loves Spanish almost as much. I am me and sometimes that can be hard for me to swallow, I am so busy trying to be the person I want to see I forget the person I am looking at in the mirror. But it is time to face the music. God made me who I am. Now it's time to be that person. A major in Creative Writing, a minor in Spanish Studies. I think that is the way to go. Still praying about it. Still a bit unsure. But in the end if this is not what God has for me he will show me just like he did this time. Except I am pretty sure this is where he wants me to go. Pretty sure. Change is hard, we all know that. This was a hard choice to make. Its not official yet. It will be by the end of the week, I think anyway. So much happening so fast. Praying for guidance and wisdom. Seeking God. Changing and changing some more.

Love (not what your thinking :p)

I have been hearing, seeing and thinking a lot about love in the past few weeks. Naturally it is February so love is hot on most peoples minds but it's a bit different for me right now. It has nothing to do with stuff you can buy at the store or a great Valentines Day. No for me it's God's love I have been thinking about. How huge and ridiculous it  his love is. He freely gives his love to anyone that asks for it. ANYONE! When you come as you are, are real and genuine and you asks for God's love in your life you get it. He doesn't say well you need to do this and this and this first. NO, he says come as you are my child and I will perfect you and work in your life. Once we accept God's love we can't do anything to get rid of it. We can't ruin it by being dumb or stupid or saying something off the wall and ticking him off. Once we have him we get to keep him forever. How many people do you know that would still love you after you had strayed from them for the 798th time? I can't think of anyone other than my God. His love is mind-blowing and the more I learn and grow in my relationship with him the more God's love seems incredible amazing and really crazy! There have been many times in my life where I have felt alone, left behind by all, and yet God was there. There have been many times when I have been sinning and being just awful and was there too. When I have been riding God's tidal waves as they came back to back surfing through them, learning and growing, (stolen from a sermon by Kevin Ng, not my own) God was there loving me and pushing me to the next bigger wave. He has always been there. I don't deserve this incredible love but I have it anyway. Is this how you love? I know thinking about it for me has been eye opening. Seeing how God loves and calls us to do the same. It reminds me of the verse " For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". Well of course we fall short! We're human and he is God. But he loves us anyway. Food for thought as I go through my day. Am I loving like God loves? Am I pleasing him?


from www.d365.org



In you, O Lord, I take refuge; let me never be put to shame. In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me; incline your ear to me and save me. Be to me a rock of refuge, a strong fortress, to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of the unjust and cruel. For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from my birth; it was you who took me from my mother’s womb. My praise is continually of you.



Psalm 71:1-6

Sunrise

I am a farm girl. Always have been. Up with the sunrise and down when the chores are done. I miss that lifestyle a lot being at college in a town that seems like a city to me but even here there is a great treasure in watching the sun rise up over God's creation on an early Friday morning. There is nothing in the world like cracking open my while sitting in the stairwell window watching the sunrise. It's a very special time of day for me. It completes my day. Wasn't always that way though.

I started off college in September with a pledge to be a better person and Christian.  I can remember saying God make me who you want me to be, like it was God who made all my choices, who walked me to class, read my bible, sinned and loved and went through my life. Seems kind of like well DUH !!! Of course that's not up to God. It's up to me! At the time that seemed like a very reasonable request and for a while I was very dedicated but I soon grew bored and fell away. I wasn't going to bible studies, reading my bible and going to class because I wanted to. It was an obligation. I wasn't getting anything out of it and I was slipping away. I went to events had that " spiritual high" went back to my room and went right back to doing all the things that God was telling me I needed to not be doing.

Expedition and Urbana came and went and things changed little by little but it wasn't until I was reminded of my roots and how much I love both life on the farm and God that I decided to check my motives. I realized I had some work to do and once again I went to God but this time with a slightly different prayer. " God, I know that I can't do this alone. I am willing to put effort into our relationship but when it comes to daily tasks, I need a bit of help. I know that a weakness of mine, could you help me be accountable?" Woke up the next morning and I couldn't wait to crack open my bible to see what God would have to say. I went back to reading my devotional while the sun rose and what a difference it made on my entire day. I walked closer to God and with a little help from various sources (friends and Internet reminders) I grew and grew more disciplined and now I look forward to sunrises again. Yeah :) God is good. He answers prayer especially when it lines up with His will and our motives are pure!