The Explenation

So for the past few weeks you have all been seeing posts like "I am beautiful loved and wanted. Nobody, Nothing, can ever change that so you can leave me alone and stop this craziness. I've been bought with a price, set free and made complete. You won't win this war because Jesus already did." , " In Jesus we remember the facts but forget the pain"- John Ault I can say that although I'm still working on forgiving certain people this statement rings true in my life!" and "I am loved, wanted and beautiful and I can say that as I hold my head high and believe every word.... God is doing some amazing things my friends" Some of you may be wondering what this is all about. In one word I can sum it all up. Freedom. Yes, I said freedom. I have said before God has been setting me free and breaking chains. I have also realized it has been a long process, it's not over yet but friends I finally feel complete. I finally feel whole, safe, happy, beautiful, loved and wanted. A lot of it came through prayer, worship and talking. Some came through writing and a fair share through reading my bible. Despite where I found this new found freedom it all came from the same person, God, who has been slowly but surely sewing together my broken heart and in doing so putting my body and life back together too. It's been amazing and he is not finished yet, in fact he keeps saying " I am just getting started with you" so stay tuned for updates but for now I hope this explains a little but about the crazy random posts you have been seeing. They are not random at all. They in fact are very intentional statement of my faith in what God has been doing.

To Be

To be a big sister again

To hear Jenny where are you

To hear Come play with me

To laugh and smile as a child does

To sooth and calm when the tears come

So blessed am I to be a big sister

So blessed am I to have that joy

Leah and baby Paul may be adopted littles

My littles only while I stay at the Stauffer home

But they are my littles none the less

Play Doh crayons markers paints dolls and toys galore

little voices and tender hugs

To be a big sister

Is the best job in the whole world

He Hears Me

It doesn't matter where

Crane, Boso, Church, Home, Class

On campus or to the ends of the earth

No where I go can change it

It doesn't matter when

Sunrise or sunset

day or night

Time makes no difference

It doesn't matter how

Standing up, kneeling down, flat on the floor

Lifting  my voice in song, prayer, chatting or writing

Quietly, just God and I, with one or two, with too many to count

How affects nothing

He hears me all the same

Every prayer, every word

Where, when and how matter only to me

My God hears me

When I cry out he is there

When I'm joyful and when I'm not

When all is well and when the world feels like it's caving in

When I am alone or with thousands

My God hears me no matter what

Not only does he hear me 

My God loves me enough to respond

He never fails me

Always there in every instance

My God loves me with perfect love and will never leave of forsake me

1 Corinthians 13:8-12

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

No more

Chains, Life binding chains

The thoughts and demands

The limits and restrictions

The rules and regulations

I had put in place to keep me safe, comfortable, happy

The life I had made for myself

What chains you may ask

What chains?

Thought of self harm

To take the hurt away

To hide the brokenness

To make it all okay

What chains you may ask

What chains?

The demands to be perfect

To live the perfect life

To be the perfect daughter, friend, sister

Never enough for them though

What chains you may ask

What chains?

The limits created

Strict and unforgiving so that someday

Someday soon the mirror will reflect

That tiny athlete I used to be

What chains you may ask

What chains?

The restrictions to make that dream come true

Eating just enough to stay alive

Hiding it all from the world around me until the day

That I looked exactly the way I used to be

What chains you may ask

What chains?

The regulations that said

Just exactly how life ought to be

A checklist of achievements to be met so that as I lay my head down 

I can be content with the day's deeds

Whats chain you may ask

What chains?

The chains that define the prison cell

The chains that made life okay

The chains that made me feel safe, comfortable, happy

The chains that defined who I was

What chains you may ask
What chains?

 No more!

There is therefore No more condemnation

In Christ Jesus who set me free

He set me free I say

What chains you may say

What chains?

No more chains

 No more life binding chains

He broke every chain

He set me free

What chains you may ask
What chains?

No more do I crave to see who I used to be

Free to be bold, to come and go as the Lord, my God leads me

To eat until my heart is content, guilt free

Free to step out, to take a leap of faith

Chains you may ask

What chains?

Free to trust, be trusted

Free to love and be loved

Free to be safe, happy, comfortable

Free at last

What chains you may ask

What chains?

Chains

Life binding chains

Fall away at Jesus' feet

They are no more!

When God speaks...

Yesterday was amazing, huge, special, big, exciting... and so much more! I went to practice with one of my good friends, Karisa for  a coffee house we are having at my church this Saturday. I was in an awful place, depressed, falling back into old habits, eating disorders, self harm, horrid stuff. I walked in we did one run through. Karisa looked at me and said you have a cloud over you. Whats going on she asked. so I started to tell her some stuff. She stopped me mid sentence. Had me pull out a pen and my journal. She played and sang. For an hour I listened to god and all he had to say and wrote out what I was hearing. He set me free from 8 years of pain bondage sin and struggle. I have never in my life felt this amazing, never, I feel like a brand new person. Better than Urbana, Expedition, getting baptized and saved all at once. i cant explain it but the cloud hanging over me is gone and i know its god and only God and im sooooo thankful!

Some of the many things God said to me while lying on that floor...

 God -"Freedom, grace and protection are yours"

 God -"Let go and run to me"

God -" I am here and I have all you need, Let me break through"
Me after God speaks for a while -I am loved. Never alone. Called Holy and Pure, nothing I do or say will ever change that. God is bigger and loves me no matter what. It's not earned its given!

 Me praying -God, I am sick of needing butterflies, God take this hurt, these fears, the pain of the past, break every chain holding me back.
God - " You are wanted and loved. Right here right now. You are more than enough for me, just come back to the heart of worship"
 Me - God I come as I am, here and now, on the floor of this practice room, in Crane of all places, do whatever it is your going to do. I am ready to hear you and be yours, wholly yours.
God- " Then stop running away from me. I too am here now with arms wide open, waiting for you my precious daughter. Run to me. I love and cherish you. I am gentle and kind, have no fear, I want you so stop hiding away from me. I have overcome everything for you child of mine. See the victory I have won for you. I am guiding your steps even now, open your eyes and see the change in your life. Don't you dare be strong on me now. Be weak and run to me. You are free, once and for all. Don't you get it? You are my daughter. Live like it! You are holy and set free, believe it! Don't turn and quit on me now, I brought you this far and I am just getting started with you! This is just the beginning, I have made you promises I intend to keep.  If you can't trust me than who can you trust? "
Me - My comforter, healer, savior  God, Redeemer, friend, father and Lord. Face down having nothing else to cling to I run to you my God, I give it all to you. My struggle to be me, honest and pure, My fears and worries, the cloud around my life, I give it all to you. It's out of my control now. At your feet I sing songs unto you and I give it all to you.
God- "Stop hiding and come to me. It's me and you here now and I'm not done with you yet."
Me- When the music fades and all is stripped away, and I simply come, longing just to bring somethings that's of worth, that will bless your heart... God you just said I already have. That I am of worth.In your eyes I already have become worthy because I have accepted you and your son's precious sacrifice. My dream just came true.
God - "Every thing is OK now. It is finished."

God revealed his heart and mine in this hour long conversation. These are just highlights, soo much more happened in that hour but God showed up and moved mightily and I cannot wait to see what comes next.

Eyes Open

Perspective changes everything

To see things from the other side

To see things in a new light

To walk a mile in someone else's shoes

Friendship changes Perspective

You would do anything for your best friend

You would dart in front of a bullet for her

Take all the hurts and pains

You would go the extra mile so she doesn't have to

You would take her place without a second thought

Jesus changes friendship

He shows you how to love

He, after all is love

He shows you what it means to sacrifice

He shows you what it means to take a friend's place

He was the ultimate sacrifice

He died on a cross

To save me

To take my place

To die so that I didn't have to

To take all my hurts and pains away

He went the extra mile so I didn't have to

He took my place and never thought twice

He changed my perspective

Jesus

I look at you

My eyes now open

I thank you for your sacrifice

I thank you for your love

I thank you for your friendship

I thank you for being the final, perfect sacrifice

I thank you for changing my perspective

I thank you for showing me love

I thank you for being you

I thank you for showing me how to be me

My Everything

Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23

I have walked through some very dark places

I have seen and done things unimaginable

I have struggled and fought

I have done it my way

I have lost

Addiction, eating disorders, self injury

Anything to make the pain go away

It didn't work

It failed to fill that gap

Only one could fill that gap

Only one fit in the hole my heart felt

His name?

Jesus

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Jesus is there

Holding out his arms

For me

He fills the gap, fits in the hole

I am made whole again

Through his love

Through his sacrifice

Through hid grace

Through his mercy

He never leaves me

He never forsakes me

I am his

He is mine

He guides me through this life

Protecting and leading the way

He is my all in all

My God

My first true love

Every thing I need

Every thing I want

My Everything