Yes

when your whole life

as long as you can remmeber

everyone around you

has told you exactly

what you cannot do

when all you know is the work NO

when all you know

is what you will never have

 

it makes it hard to believe

hard to understand

hard to comprehend

that there are people in the world

that tell you the opposite

 

there are people in the world

telling you what you can do

pushing you to be your best

holding you accountable

people loving you

people saying GO for it

supportive, honest, caring people

 

i can now say i have seen both sides

Ive been told all my life

what cant be

you will never make it

you wont see tomorrow

you cant do that

you shouldn't try that

you should knock it off

ugly weak and broken

i have heard no for so very long

 

now i am hearing the opposite

Go for it they say

we will back you

we will support you

we love you, you can do this

you have everything you need

you are strong

beautiful

better every day

 

it can be hard to believe

that these words are true

two totally different world

which one to live in

which one to choose

its my choice to make

its not an easy one either

 

i want to believe

i can be what they say i am

i want to see what they see

i want to love and be loved the way they do

they say i already have it

i want to accept it

 

Jesus dies so that I could

he lives so that i can

i know its possible

he can make it so

 

God please make it so!

I want to be yours

I want to be whole

I want to hear you say Yes

just a Yes from you

NIght to Remember

The day started out like any other. A typical Monday but that is definitely not how it ended. As I left for bible study that evening I was not prepared for what was to come but I am very glad that it did come. As everyone knows by now Hurricane Sandy is wrecking havoc all across the Northeast. Potsdam is no exception.  We were sitting in the living room reading from Genesis when the lights went out. I looked at Danielle and smiled. Well guess were doing bible study by the glow of flashlights and cell phones, that was the general consensus. We moved to the hall of the townhouse where the emergency light was lit up and continued our study on temptation until we decided around 8 that I would probably be safer staying the night.
That is when things got incredible. Jamie got out her guitar and all six of us had a worship party and prayer meeting under the emergency lights in townhouse E6. Best worship Ive had in a long time. It was far from perfect but there was heart and dedication. We worshipped to worship giving our hearts to the Lord in both great music and prayer. we danced the night away by the glow of flashlights and phones. We laughed and bonded well into the night. I learned to love and trust and enjoy the company of great new friends. It was a night i will never forget. a night to remmeber always. Thanks to all those in the townhouse E6 in Suny Potsdam :) Love you all!
what a great night with Jamie Roscoe Danielle Ludwigson Esther Hong Audrey Cooper and Jihyun Park! Feeling much better today and thankful for a chance to spend time with some great women of God. Funny how such a nasty storm could bring such great bonding and memories!

Broken Pot Shining

The scars are fading

The nightmares become distant memory

Pain no longer there

Hurts of the past, fading fast

Peace has become the new normal

A good night's rest

Quiet time with the Lord

Life is Life again

All that was holding me back

Disappears into the background

A whole new world is opening up around me

God is doing big and mighty things

Picture an empty flower pot

 Its full of cracks

Beat up and broken down

Put a bright shining candle in it

 Let that light shine through the cracks

This is my life

Ive come from a bad place

My heart is cracked and broken

But the light of the Lord

My God and my Savior

Is shining through every single crack

A light to all those standing where I once stood

A light that will always shine

As a new life is beginning

An old life ends

Instead of filling all the cracks

God shines through them

A broken pot shining in the darkness

Lessons from Expedition 2012

OK so this is not my typical post by any means but this is what happen. start to finish all my notes from the best weekend of my life (so far)

1) the prodigal son
2)Fishers of men
3) quiet times
4) sharing my faith
5) Lordship
The Prodigal Son - What the heck did this mean to me? Well that's an easy question to answer!
 I am the younger son. I sinned against my family and I hurt them badly when I walked away. Granted I did it for my faith, mental health, and safety but I  didn't tell them that at the time so they had no clue what was going on. I packed everything and left. Took all I had in a pink plaid duffel bag and walked out and didn't look back until I recently realized, before October break, that it was time to make things right, to go home, apologize and be with my family again and would you believe they accepted me back! They accepted me back just like the father accepted and welcomed his son. They forgave me like my Heavenly Father forgives me.

Fishers of Men- My testimony is incredible and God has been showing me that for a while but the more I shared the more it hurt and the more I got down, depressed, and the worse I was feeling but in reality Jesus gave me this testimony so that I can reach a huge diverse group of people.The way he has called me and the way he is revealing himself to me in so incredible and just too amazing for words.

Quiet Times- God is showing me here how to better spend my quiet times with him and in his word. It seems so simple but now I have the tools I need to really work through his word, learn from it, apply it and help others around me do the same!

Sharing my Faith- God gave me an exact list of told to use to effectively and honestly share my faith in a way that people can connect with and respond too. He helped me overcome my fears of praying around other people and is showing me how to do things his way for his glory. He has released me to be able to face the fears and the hurts of the past without even a moment hesitation and he is keeping, making and fulfilling so many promises. I am so thankful for all he is doing, it doesn't seem like much but its the best I have to give. My thanks praise and worship. Lead my life.

Lordship- God was calling me to give him everything including a huge chunk of sin and some parts of my life that I had been holding back for a very, very long time. He showed me both during track time and in an hour of prayer with two women I really admire and look up to, what those areas were and how he has released me from those things.

He showed me so much so fast. The best part came from the very last worship service. It sums up the entire weekend. God spoke to me directly as he always does. In that loving, I'm your Daddy and I care and I will never ever leave you voice. This is what he told me and this is how I will finish my post. I could talk forever of all the things he did but this sums it up soo well!

He said to me:
 I carried you through the struggles. now you have given it ALL to me and i gladly take it. You have been set free! now take my hand and walk with me. i am with you and you are set free from every thing that has ever held you back. it's over. now we can work together and be the greatest duo we ever could be. I love you my daughter. I really really do.

Need to Go

sometimes it can be hard to see

to see past the pain of a broken history

to see what God is calling me to do today tomorrow and forever

it can be hard to know where and when to draw lines

when to protect my heart

when to give my heart away

there is no clear cut answer for this

no answer as to why life has been what it has been

it can be hard to understand why this life hurts as much as it does

it hurts to be hurt

it hurts even more to let that hurt heal

God is good though

he loves me and he saves me from all of this uncertainty

he fought the good fight

so that i would not have to go through this

but in the end

all i really truly know for sure

is that right here

right now

he IS here

and this hurt wont be here to stay

he takes that away because he knows as much as i do

this hurt, it just needs to go



Life

     The past few weeks have been crazy, full of so many ups and downs. A lot of uncertainty, decisions being made, questions being asked and so much more yet as i sat down to write and reflect on it all I realized that I could smile about something. As crazy and as hard as things got one thing remained the same, my eyes where focused not on what was happening and people and circumstances but on God and what he was and is still doing through all of that.

      I got to visit my family and spend real quality time with them. Now anyone who knows me, knows anything about me and my life, knows that for me to be home for four days is HUGE! Not only was I home for four days but I had a ton of fun, made many incredible memories and got to spend time with the people that I love the most in this world. I was really worried about going home for break. I had been stressed for many reasons but at the core of the matter was one blaring, flaming fact. I left home and when I did so it was not on good terms. Things at home had gotten to the point where I could not live and be happy, not even remotely close to the live I knew I could live, so I packed my bags (voluntarily) and I left. Going back it was clear to see that I am not the only person God has been working on. My entire family had a new attitude about me. We laughed and sang and danced and spent the weekend enjoying and loving each other. The past was a thing of the past and broken bonds were healed an built into something completely new and amazing.I also got to sit down and talk with my Mom openly and honestly about my past. I got to apologize for things I had done wrong and hurts of the past. She did the same and that was absolutely incredible. While I was home I also visited friends and other family. Got to catch a few games and just enjoy life. What a blessing it was!

    I also saw how God has been working in my life changing me and making me batter. Pushing me to forgive myself for wrongs of the past, to apologize to those I have hurt and to move on. To put the past in it's place was not an easy task, and continues to be something I struggle with but he is giving me the strength and wisdom to do what needs to be done. Now I can clearly see how and why this is so important. More and more I have people telling me that they admire my strength and my faith. Most people would be thinking heck yeah! people love me but for me, I see another side to this. Being admired means I have to lead by example. Can't do that if I am hiding behind the shadows of a darker time. God has been so good to me, blessing me more and more as i follow him.Having people I love and care about see that and acknowledge that, and not only that but actually having them trust me enough to ask for wisdom and advice has been incredible. Being able to let his light shine in that way has blessed me even more, especially when these chats lead to close friends deciding the life I live is so great for me that they too want in, seeing them commit to Christ and starting to live in his ways, what an adventure!

     Through the good bad and ugly God has been my focus. When I was scared, fearful, hurting and more as good friends and old friends faced crisis after crisis I took it to God. sent it through a huge network of Christians who were praying all across not only New York but across state lines as well.  Seeing God work in those situations and seeing him change lives first hand has shown me a lot but the most important thing I have learned while watching and observing all that's going on has been this: don't just sit back and watch what God is doing, get involved! Make a difference, speak up and be who you are but do it in a way that works with God and hid plans. You certainly will never regret it. I know i now not only live but i love living. Life is so incredible, don't waste it. That's what I feel is important.

Change

Change is in the air.All around me i hear people telling me how proud they are of how far I have come, how they cant believe what God is doing in my life, how it;s incredible to see me because I am completely different. Well guys you may be right but heres a newsflash for ya. I am far from where I want to be. There are still some things that I am really struggling with, there are areas of my life where God hasnt come in and done his thing yet and I am seriously having a hard time surrendering those areas right now. I am not big tough and strong like you think I am. It's time you all see me for who I am. I am a christian teen who refuses to settle for anything less than what God wants for me. I know it may seem a bit ironic that I want all God has and yet I am fighting with myself to let go but thats the glory of my God. He waits until I am ready. He doenst force me into anything. But now I am seeing that I can't take the next step in my walk with him until i do let go of this one last thing so here goes nothing.God this is yours now. Do your thing. Make me what you want me to be and please take this thing that I've been fighting for way to long now. It's time to get closer than ever before and I know you can make it happen. Break down the walls and barriers and change me from the inside out... again.

My Little One

when walking with you hurts more than turning my face away

when that faith  that moves mountains means doing what cant be done

when it comes to the point

where cracking and falling to my knees, crying at your feet

is the only option

when all i can do is call out your name

i know you are here holding me close

i come to you like the child i am

you are there as my father and my friend

you carry me when i can walk no more

you pick me up and you hold me close

as confused and hurting as i am

you grab me up in an instant

you take it all

the fear the pain the sorrow heartbreak and anger

its all gone, melted away

your grace your peace and your love surround me

and as i call out to you i can hear you say

" It's OK my little one, to come to me, to be at my feet, to not be the biggest or the strongest, you don't have to be the hero right now. You too have hurts and fears but they are mine now. No more worries. Wipe away your tears. Be at peace for I am here and it will be alright. I love you little one"