Not Just Another Sunday

I woke up right on time. Got up and showered then had bargain brand cheerios because lets face it... I'm broke. It is just another Sunday I told myself. Sat through Sunday school attentively and prayed sincerely as we shared needs amongst our group. As we talked about upcoming events and goings on at church I contributed where I could and then it was time to worship. Focus I told myself. You need to focus in on the word and what God is saying. Oh was I ever right. As Pastor Gary told us of some of his college adventures he spoke of finding a place to rest and restore and find encouragement. He spoke of a place where you're not alone, where people love you and care about you and after a worship set that had brought tears to my eyes I thought to myself... this place, this church, these people, this is where I find peace and hope and rest and where I come to seek refuge. This is what he is talking about. His words struck my heart as he talked about a heart of expectation and I thought about the true meaning of worship. There is nothing better than coming before God and entering his presence. And as if to solidify my thoughts and to bring joy and a smile much needed there, in the entry way at church sat care packages and one had my name on it. The ladies of our church took an evening to pack boxes full of treats and love for all the young adults in our church. This is what church is guys. A group of people loving, challenging, supporting, and guiding each other. A family of people who love God and love each other and love their neighbors ad themselves. There is no place I would rather be.

Stormy Nights

Memories fade in the distant past
Days months and years go buy
You never once cross my mind
Then all of a sudden
 Out of the blue
 A fire work goes off
Thunder cracks across the night sky
 And there I am
A little girl In the middle of a never ending storm
 Feeling the pain of many moons ago
Hearing your words echo once again
 The smell of your aftershave
 It takes every ounce of strength I have
To say no
 This is today
I am safe now
I am home now
You're gone.
 Dead and gone
Memories fade in the distant past

Song Lyrics at 2am

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter
Just you and me God in this lil place.
Just you and me God
Lord fill this empty place

Dark and twisted paths
Leading through the night
Its undeniable
I'm lost with no sign of light
If only you were here
You'd know just where to go
Lead me to find safety where you are

Hope faith and love
They hold me together
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter
Just you and me God in this great big place
Just you and me God
Lord fill this empty space

Running the the woods
Stumbling cross the roots
yearning for break of day, still hours away.
Falling on my knees looking up I cry out.
Where are you God of mine, please come and show the way.

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter.
Just you and me God in this big ol world
Just you and me God Lord fill this broken girl
I'm running in circles.
Looking for you're face.
Stumbling through this darkness feeling out of place.
This isn't where I belong God.
This I know for sure.
Meet me here dear father.
Come to your little girl.
Its then I hear these words said, in that still small, quiet voice.
I'm right there with you daughter, can't you hear my voice.
Look around you and you'll see.
I never left your side.
I've been right there with you child.
I'll always be your guide.

Hope faith and love.
They hold me together.
A prayer lifted high holds me a lil tighter.
Just you and me God Just you and me God
Just you and me

As Bright as the Sun

It has been a good while since I have posted. Too long. I guess life has just taken me away from writing for a while. Which is never a good thing for me. But in recent history things has turned. Depression and anxiety and PTSD, they suck guys. The eat you up from the inside out and eventually you go into meltdown. Eventually you get to the point where you just can't handle it anymore. You can't pretend to smile or laugh, you can't enjoy the things you love, you just want to hide and sleep. At least that is how it is for me. Last night at a bible study about joy the last month or so kind of just exploded. Well not even so much the last month. More like the last 2 1/2 months. It is crazy to believe all the things that have happened. I finally put down the blade for good. No more cutting. I opened up about things I have never talked about before. I began healing. Let me tell ya folks, healing hurts. Healing hurts a lot. But it is worth it. It is worth it to give up all the hurts and anger and scary thoughts and hard nights to God and let him work. At a healing service this past Sunday God showed me a whole lot about who I am and what he sees in me and what he has for me in the future and it is not depression, anxiety or bouts of PTSD. It is not being scared of thunderstorms, jumping at a car door slamming, or crying because I don't know how else to handle the things I feel. Being a bit blunt today but this is reality guys and gals. This is my life. But it wont be my life forever. God is in the healing business. He is. And he is, in his timing, healing and working in my heart. At about 3am I came to the conclusion that there are an awful lot of people who love me, who are fighting with me and who are sick of seeing me hurt like I have been and if that is how they feel I can only imagine how much is pains God to see me like this. So here's to healing. To peace, love and joy. Here is to fresh starts, new life and a future as bright as the sun.

Dreams Coming True

Just about two years ago God placed a dream on my heart. Something I knew I couldn't ignore but something I couldn't see ever happening. He gave me a heart for children long before I had ever grown up. But last July he gave me a heart for a very special group of children. Children who had been used and abused and treated like garbage. He placed these kids on my heart and he told me to do something. To walk with him. Be faithful and reach these kids. Honestly... I laughed. I thought God was insane. I said no way. I said it was impossible. I thought to myself "How can I ever possibly reach out to these kids. Bring them hope, love, joy and love when I am so broken and so hurting and so hopeless myself?". Two years later the pieces are falling into place. I knew I didn't have the skills to go as big as God had told me I needed to but I also knew that if I took a step of faith and started small God would do the hard work. But still I did not know what that looked like. What was that first step? How was this going to happen. It started with just small posts once in a while. A post about human trafficking, a post about healing, a post about God's goodness and with each post God grew my audience just a little. Now as I dream big and pray about the future I can see God working in other ways. Opening other doors to bigger platforms and better opportunities. I can see where God is placing people in my life who inspire and push me forward. I can see him growing and stretching me to become the woman he created.  I can see the dream he placed in my heart starting to play out. Its coming together before my very eyes. Watch out folks. Here I am. Take this life as a sacrifice God. Use me, lead me, guide me, love me. Have your way with my life.  Lord help me to help these kids. That's been my prayer for two years now and finally it's happening. God is moving. He is doing something so much bigger than me. I only hope I make him proud to call me his daughter. In words and in deeds. Lord let my life honor you. And some day, let me be everything you have called me to be.

What Now?

My phone vibrates and my heart skips a beat. Is it him again? What is he going to say this time? I smile and I laugh and I wonder. What is this? What is happening? I don't understand the feelings or thoughts. I don't know just what to make of all this. It's too good to be true but I know I am not dreaming. It is insane. I am losing my mind. He is very real. Late night talks, questions fly back and forth. Commonalities and differences come to light. And then I think to myself. Wait. Slow down. Think things through. Breathe. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. No need for labels or words or rushing into things. It's a blessing. It's new. It's a beautiful thing. But it's just that. It's new. Sometimes I get swept up in the moment and I get confused and I get all weirded out and worried about silly things that don't matter and sometimes I get way over excited. And other time I get scared. Emotions go crazy. Sometimes they tend to color our days in ways that we can't explain. I took a step out on a limb and I took a risk and I met someone rather amazing. Now what? Well I don't know what now. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. That's what now.

Lyrics and Poetry

It is a well known fact that I love reading, writing and singing. As I sat down tonight after a long day my craving was for the things of God. I curled up on my couch and I pulled out my Bible. Still within earshot of Abbie as she sleeps but far enough away so that she wasn't distracting me. I flipped open to Proverbs and opened Pandora to a worship station and I let the poetry of the Bible speak. I found myself reading proverbs 31 but more specifically the passage about a wife of noble character.

 Proverbs 31: 10-31

10 

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

 She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This passage has always awed me.I am bad with my  money, always have been. I do love to open my home to friends and family alike but as for strangers... well I am just not that trusting. After meditating on this passage for the second time today a song played on Pandora that brought a tear to my eye. Its an old Casting  Crowns song. The chorus cut right to the heart of the matter.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

Who am I? I am certainly not a wife yet, and nowhere near a wife of noble character. I sin and fall short of the glory of God as we all do. It's a miracle that I've made it this far in life but honestly it's not about me. It's not about what I have done or haven't done. It's about Jesus, what he did for me. How he loved me, how he holds my heart, how he cares for me and how he gladly takes upon his shoulder all that I carry so I can stand up and be free. HE is the one that makes all life possibly, he is the one who makes it possibly to be the wife of noble character. He is the one who can change, shape, and mold me into the woman I long to be. Its not because of who I am but because of what he did. Lyrics and poetry have a way of speaking to my heart. There is nothing better than reading my bible on a warm summer night with worship music playing in the background because God is nearest in those moments and he speaks through the lines, words and music to the heart of the matter. 

Stepping Stones

Each day I wake up is a day I am awed. I find it hard to believe I am still here, that I am breathing, walking, talking. Sometimes I have mixed emotions about this. Each day I wake up with struggles to face. Emotional, physical, mental, circumstantial, spiritual, relational. Each day brings a list of challenges and worries. Each challenge and worry a stepping stone. A chance to fall into the water or a chance to hop across the rocks and make it to the other side. As I work towards overcoming feelings and actions which are destructive and unhealthy I find some days are easier than others. I find that there are ways to handle thoughts and feeling that are constructive but I often find it much harder to turn to those things. I try to read and write and pray and sing but sometimes I find myself picking up a blade or pushing myself too hard to accomplish some unattainable goal or drinking or who knows what else.It is in that moment when I have to decide and I going to hop across or fall into the water? I am choosing more and more to hop across. For the next few months my blog is going to look a little different. It will probably be more raw, more uncensored and I am sorry if this bothers you but hey, I started counseling today! I am finally getting help to deal with, and face all the hurts. I am processing and praying and growing and I hope you will walk this walk with me. Pray with me. Grow with me. I look forward to this season, although I know it won't be easy as God heals and leads. Today I took a huge leap, not just a small step to the next stone but jumped to the next boulder. Change is coming... LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

Darkest Hour

It is in the darkest hour that we find what what we are truly made of, what we can endure. It is when the world is caving in on us, when every breathe feels like our last, when every moment we live is another miracle. That is when we find out just who we are. Do we stand in the rain? Do we hide under the blankets? Do we run for cover? Do we sit down pray and pull out that beat up old bible we have been kicking around? I am going to be real for a minute. I am going to be vulnerable. I have a problem that is eating at me and destroying me sometimes slowly and sometimes faster than I can control. I am human. I am a sinner and this is my darkest hour. For a while I stood in the rain and cried. Why? Because when it's raining nobody can tel how hard you're crying. Then I hid under my blankets. Why? Again because nobody can see under the big comfy blankets. I can hide until someone comes and crawls under the covers with me. After that I ran for cover. Because I wanted to be alone. I wanted to live in my own private corner and not have to answer to anyone. Finally, when all else failed I sat on my cold tile floor and I picked up that dusty old bible that I had  been kicking around. I never go very far without it but recently it has become more of a paper weight than a sacred, holy, life giving book and love letter. I sat on the floor I picked up that book and I read the story of the Prodigal son. Luke chapter 15: 11-31

 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

In reading this I saw the Father's love for me. I opened my eyes, I took a look around, I saw what I had done, how I had squandered my inheritance so to speak and I saw just how easy it was to run home. To come home to my Daddy. To come home is all I need. In my darkest hour all I needed was to run home. It's so simple. So profound. How deep the Father's love for me? How vast beyond all measure? How much grace and mercy! It is then I discovered that my darkest hour comes just before the dawn and it was time for the sun to rise.

Revelations

I've been a walking heartache. I've made a mess of me. The person I've been lately isn't who I want to be. I have made mistakes, done unspeakable things. I have sinned against God, myself and the ones I love. I have been a truly awful person but now I need to be real. I need to be myself but more importantly be a woman God looks upon and smiles. My thoughts and actions need to honor my father in heaven. My heart needs to be pure. I need to forgive and be forgiven. I am finding myself at a loss for words. I have become a person I hate. A hypocrite and a failure at best. Finding redemption at the Cross of Jesus Christ is my only hope. When things got hard I ran away. I ran to a bottle, to a blade, to a boy. I ran as far away from God as I could because I couldn't handle disappointing yet another person I love but now I see that I am loved regardless of my actions. That is a powerful thing but it's not to be abused. I still have to walk in grace and in truth. I still have to honor God in all I do. Grace isn't a get out of jail free card it's the gift of unconditional love and unmerited favor given freely to those who believe. Not the same thing. So here's to starting over. Finding myself and finding God. Here's to becoming a woman God can be proud of.

Stop, Breathe, Pray

Stop, Breathe, Pray. These are words I have uttered and muttered countless times before but they are words with so much power behind them.

Stop. Stop stressing, worrying, freaking out and scrambling. It does absolutely no good. It brings nothing but stress, fear, illness and all sorts of other bad for you things.

Breathe. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax. Realize that you are not now, nor have you ever been, the one in charge. Accept that. It will make life a thousand times easier.

Pray. The most powerful weapon we have is prayer.  Pray to the one who provides for all you need. You may not have all you want but what you need will be provided.

Much easier said than done I know but really it's the best solution to anything you face. Stop for a moment to set aside the chaos and insanity known as life. Breathe for a minute, unwind and remind yourself who is in charge and pray. Lift up whatever is on your plate to your Heavenly father who loves and cares for you. He will provide all you need!

Lessons

Romans 8 1-2, 37-39
"Therefor there is no condemnation is Christ Jesus because through Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, neither angels not demons, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord"

Recently I learned some lesson the hard way. I moved all over the place, several times in just a few months, made some money, got scammed and lost all my money and ended up right back where I started with nothing solid to lean on but the Lord. What happened you may ask... the answer is simple. I stopped listening to God. I made some mistakes. I dated a person I had no business being with. I moved against my better judgement. I walked away from my faith and really just stopped thinking all together for a good while. Needless to say a few months, a lot of money, more stress and anxiety later I am right back where I began. Not sure what the future holds. Missions work is still on the table but seems far off as I look at all the debt I now have to repay. It's a daunting task. Friends be careful and guard your hearts. I would hate to see any of you fall into the same trap  I did. It was a check cashing scam and now I am feeling every ounce of burn. I hurt myself and a lot of the people I love and care about and it's not going to be an easy or quick fix. God's grace and mercy abound but it's hard to focus on him these days. I seem to be looking at the mountain a lot instead of the one who can move that mountain. Now I must focus on God and I must focus on all that he is and his words. There you have it friends. Lessons from the past six weeks.

Rolling With the Punches

Life in constantly changing. Everything is up in the air. Work is stressful but it's going as well as it can be, after all I am a crew member at McDonalds. The longer I am away from my church in Potsdam and my friends there the harder things seem to get. I guess I am feeling isolated and alone. There aren't many believers my age here which is hard for me, definitely not what I am used to. Every day is another challenge. To stay clean, sober, healthy and safe. To take care of myself, work hard, do what needs to be done. Rooming with friends here and although there have been some discussions of faith and beliefs, and they are completely supportive of me they certainly  are not believers. Kind of starting to feel like I am running in circles I guess. Lots and lots happening constantly. Not much quiet time or down time. I sure do miss Potsdam. I will be visiting very soon though. Plans are being made even as I type this post. Excited for friends and church and spaghetti and Bagelry but somehow it has a bitter sweet taste  as I know it will be a short trip and I will have to come back to the same thing I am doing now. So many questions about God's plans and will for my life. As always life is a basket of change and I am trying to roll with the punches. Ali bit wiser for every day lived I suppose.

Reactions

So tonight at work some comments that were made that really upset me. Jokes and laughs being shared over human trafficking and sex slavery. I have lived through abuse many times. It makes me so angry to live though holy hell every day praying for either rescue or death only to have someone to make jokes about it. its not funny. Not even a little. Its evil and all sorts of ungodly awful. Don't joke about it. Not ever. Here are some facts...


Human Trafficking

What is Human Trafficking?
Human trafficking, also known as modern day slavery, is any kind of forced labor. A victim of Human Trafficking is controlled by someone and exploited, or treated unfairly, for his or her work.

How many different kinds of Human Trafficking are there?
To our knowledge, there are more than 4 types of human trafficking, some of which include sex trafficking, child trafficking for sex or hard labor, domestic servitude, and debt bondage. Mostly women, but also some men, are tricked into bondage with seemingly harmless job offers or are kidnapped or sold. Children are kidnapped and/or sold easier than adults because they are usually more gullible and are somewhat easier targets. Victims, especially the younger ones are sometimes sold to Human Traffickers in order to pay off a debt. They try their best to work off that debt so they can be free, but usually have extreme difficulty doing so.

How long has Human Trafficking existed?
Human Trafficking has been around for thousands of years. It started when human civilization began. It became a large and profitable industry for the Ancient Greeks and Romans and continued to exist as one through the medieval times and up until this very day.

Where in the world has Human Trafficking existed?
Human Trafficking has existed and still currently exists in 6 of the 7 world continents. We may here stories of human trafficking in other countries and think that it will never happen anywhere near us. However, Human Trafficking is a problem in the United States as much as it is anywhere else. In fact, it is estimated that roughly 14,000 to 18,000 people are trafficked each year in the United States alone.

How many Human Trafficking victims are there in the world today?
There are roughly 27 million victims all over the world today. That is the largest number of victims of Human Trafficking ever recorded. Considering that there are a little over 7 billion people in the world, that means that almost 4% of the world is in bondage.

Other Facts:
Human Trafficking is actually illegal in the world today, but it still occurs all over the world.
The people most subject to Human Trafficking are those who live in poverty or are in debt. They get tricked into taking a loan from the Traffickers and are promised work that will help pay off their loan. They soon find out though that the job they get is not the one they were promised. Whatever work they are forced to do is a lot harder, more abusive and involves very poor conditions.

Still think it's funny or something to joke about? Think twice next time you want to joke about slavery or abuse or rape think about the millions of people right now being used and abused and reconsider what your about to say.

Challenged

Recently I have been struggling a bit with some personal stuff. Today one of my best friends challenged me to make a list of all the things I am thankful for and it was something I thought I would share with  you all! Mind you these things are in no particular order, just how the come to mind :D

1. Being fierce loved by God and knowing him as Lord and Savior of my life
2. Baking Banana bread when I get stressed
3. My absolutely amazing friends that stand by me always, even when they shouldn't
4. Both of my amazing churches. Whether I am in Potsdam or Granville I know there is a the body of Christ waiting for me
5. My job. I may have a messed up eating and sleeping schedule because of it but I am incredibly thankful to have my job right now
6. Writing! Writing has always been an outlet for me and to be able to write (or bake on occasion) has been a blessed relief
7. My Blog here at Just Me and Nothing More and all the people faithfully read each and every new post. It is mad encouraging to see the "number of views" function rocket with each new post.
8. My family. I love them, they drive me crazy and they love me back and that is something that connot be replaced.
9. Heat!!  I hate being cold and I am greatly appreciative to the people who have built the modern day furnace.
10. Last but not least on this list is technology. Being able to communicate so quickly with my friends to share, care, love and encourage has been a life saver.

There you have it folks. 10 things I am thankful for today. I am sure there are more but these came to mind today and now I pass the challenge to you. What are you thankful for?

For a Girl

Ladies. I get it. I do. You think your in love. He sweet talks you. He gives you everything you could ever want. You feel like a princess right? Well it is all fine and great but is he a true upright Christian man? Does he love God more than you? Does he seek to honor you both? If he could never touch you again would you still be in love? Girls here is some hard earned wisdom.The only man worth dating is the one God would have for you. The only man worth your time loves God first and then you. He seeks to honor God and love you. To be a kind and gentle leader. He will never pressure you or push you into anything, ever. There will be no question of your boundaries, he will respect you. If he wouldn't do it in front a pastor he would never dare do it behind closed doors.
 In the words of Kellie Pickler...

Hey, there little home coming queen,
In that back seat.
I bet his brown eyes,
are promising you everything.

I know you want to be just like your friend,
But he'll still love you if you don't give in
If those girls are being honest that have been were you're at,
I bet they'd tell you that they wish they had their innocence back.

Kellie Pickler, Don't You Know You're Beautiful

It's the truth. I gave everything to a man I thought I loved, wanted to spend my with and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I am not saying that with any agenda either. Protect your heart. Save that special moment for the night of your marriage. It is not worth it to give it up anytime before that. I wish I had waited. That's the God's honest truth from someone who has been there.

For those of you who have been there as well Johnny Diaz offers this...

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

Johnny Diaz, A More Beautiful You

Be true to yourself, honor God, walk with him.