No Sense in That

This past week I found myself feeling rather homesick. But at the same time not wanting to step foot in the 518. Somehow these two things feelings were occurring at the same time and a good friend pointed out that it makes absolutely no sense. She was right it doesn't make sense but this is the conclusion I came to long ago. Home is home. It's where my family is. It is where I learned hard life lessons, grew, made mistakes and figured stuff out. It holds lots of memories both good and bad. It's the good that draws me back. For a short time I can set aside the hurt that swallowed up a good part of my time there and focus on making fun memories with the people I love. There a nine year old little girl and a three year old little boy back in Granville New York that I love an awful lot and when I realise that I barely know them that breaks my heart. The good doesn't erase the bad and I know that I can never go back to stay. There is a lot there that just can't go away instantly but as I work on (with God's help) forgiving those who hurt me all those years ago I find it gets easier each time I take a short trip home. I may never be able to stay for long but I do enjoy getting to go home and see those beautiful little faces. I enjoy cuddling with my dog and my bunny rabbit, I enjoy late night walks across the foot bridge with good, old friends, I miss my Uncle Tom's bear hugs, swinging on the old swingset at the little league field and late night cuddles with the cutest kids on earth. I don't miss fighting with Mom, living in a loud, smoky house, tripping over critters every other step, the nightmares of days long past or the chaos. There are so many mixed emotions when it comes to going home but in the end it is home. It is where I got my start. There is so much I could say about that house in the middle of a small town but in the end none of that matters. It makes no sense to anyone but me and I guess I just have to be ok with that.

You verses Me

You say I am strong - I say I am weak
You say I have faith - I luagh, I say I just know what I have been promised
You say I have conviction - I say I just know what I want
You say I am hard headed - I say I just chase my dreams
You say I am fearless - I say I am courageous, fearful but keeping my eye on the prize
 You say I am an inspiration - I say I am just me and nothing more

I often find myself wondering why I people see me so much differently than I see myself. I often wonder how people can think so much of me. I can't say it's easy to understand, but I am starting believe that it's just the way I see life. I keep praying that God would show me how to see myself but at this point I just want to smile and accept the love I am being given. It has been a rather scary week. With a trip to the hospital and lots of medicine and a whole lot of prayer. My friends are taking great care of me, but I am pushing myself pretty hard. It's hard to believe what my body can do when I need to. Thankful for everyone who has been there this past week and praying that this next week looks better than the past. You say, I say, You say, I say. It may never stop but I love you all dearly.

A Minute at a Time

    It's Friday morning, and I am sitting in the Barrington Student Union. I Have an entire day to sit and think, and I can do any thing I want to with that time. So I had a choice to make. I could sit around and watch T.V. all day long or I could do something else productive I debated for a few minutes. Flipping back and forth between facebook and youtube on my laptop because I was just not content. I wonder what I would be doing if I were home and in the end I decide to sit and listen to some worship music and write. I wasn't sure what all to expect. The night before had been a really rough one. I was emotional and hurting from the inside out. A good friend sat up with me and prayed with me and loved on me, but something was missing. I fell asleep praying that night and woke up exhausted and longing for more of God. It hit me after sitting around for a few minutes that that is probably how I should spend my morning. I should spend my morning talking to God and listening to what he has to say in return.

     I missed spending good quality time with God. I had for a while. I had made excuse after excuse for my lack of time sitting in his presence but in the end I had just dropped the ball with that. God was right there. Everywhere I went he went with me so being on the road was no excuse. Having been traveling consistently since the semester started up again I was feeling the strain of living out of my duffel bag again and I was getting angry about it, and so I stepped back a little bit not realizing this was God giving me the opportunity to reach out while I was moving around. It was an invitation to get closer not to walk away. I said oh, I don't have time for God. Really Jennifer? Really? You sit around all day filling out random job applications online and watching T.V., but you don't have any "free" time you can spend with the creator of the universe? The one who made and remakes you every day? Are you kidding?  Then it was well I just am not feeling very close of connected right now... huh.... I wonder why!

    I realized very quickly that this was my fault. I dropped the ball. I totally had pulled away. Things got hot, God was moving fast and in powerful ways and I got scared and I pulled away. I stopped working on our relationship so it's no wonder I wasn't feeling very close to him. A relationship requires both people involved putting in the effort to grow and be closer otherwise it breaks down and falls apart. It is quite simple really. So as I sat in the Union with worship music playing in the background I questioned myself. What can I do to make this better? What can I do to change this? The answer came from that still small voice in the back of my mind :) "Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Invest in our relationship and I will too. Work with me and I will meet you in the middle. My daughter I am here and I want to be close again, but you need to initiate this time. It's up to you to come to me. I will not force you to love and be with me. It is your choice. What do you want to do?"

Friendship Revelations

What is a friend? I have been thinking and praying and wondering about this for a while now. Some hard things have happened in recent history and some of the people I considered friends were distant at best. That got me thinking. What is a friend? What are they supposed to do? What are friends supposed to look like?

Websters dictionary says this:
A friend is - a person who you like and enjoy being with, a person who helps or supports someone or something
Friendship is - the state of being friends : the relationship between friends

This didn't help much. I like being around a lot of people that that doesn't mean I would consider them all my friends! What does a true friend look like? I thought on that for a long while. I came to this conclusion. A friend is someone like Alyssa or Oli. A person that you can call in the middle of the night when your heart is shattering. A person that is honest, loyal, truthful. A person you love with all your heart. A person that you can trust with your life, your deepest darkest moments but someone you can also be silly with. A person that you love being around. When I think of my closest friends I think about what a blessing they are qualities I admire in them. Loyalty, honesty, sillyness, seriousness, determination, just some of the things I love about the people I call my friends. I wonder sometimes what other people value in their friends, but there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I would trust with my life. That is saying something. I can't imagine life without them. They are a major blessing, and I cannot thank God enough for giving me the gift of friendship. That's right folks. I consider friendship and these people gifts from God. Lots of questions still run through my mind when I think about what defines a friend, but you don't have  to define gifts from God! You only have to accept the blessing and the love he lavishes on you!

We Are One

I do not have words to describe what happened tonight and I feel like that has been happening a lot lately... in case you hadn't noticed my blog, my writing my life has been changing an awful lot. I am in a different, better place and I am learning and growing and God is speaking. My writing is coming from a new source, a different place within my heart now. I am getting comfortable in my new skin and things seem to be lining up. Reviewing prophetic words given over the summer and praying with friends today opened my heart to a whole new level in my relationship with not only friends but God as well and as I begin to unpack all that has happened, the words shared and the prayers prayed I can't help but long for more of God. A deeper understanding and relationship. More love and trust to be shared in those private, secret moments. I long for deeper, more meaningful relationships with many people but mostly with God I suppose. I want to be closer to him than ever before and as that happens I am becoming closer to those around me that I have grown to know and love. Things are changing quickly but I am finding myself, sometimes at a loss for words, sometimes awestruck, sometimes confused, sometimes joyful, sometimes peaceful, finding myself in God and in his love. It is an amazing thing to see how God has transformed my life since I started this blog almost two years ago now. I am thankful for all he has done and amazed and the idea that he is still moving and is just getting started. I come to you all now after an emotional night, not really okay, with this one message in mind. In God I find myself. As I find him I find me. We are one.