You Don't Know My Story

You don’t know the things that I’ve come through
You cannot imagine
The pain, the trials I’ve had to endure
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the day he set me free
You cannot imagine
The strongholds and the walls that severed me
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
Deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story
You don’t know my story
The anguish and the guilt that consumed me
Grateful I can tell it
For no more shall the shackles condemn me
You don’t know my story
For if you did you would lift up your hands
So just let me tell you and faith you may as well break out and dance
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
And deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story
Through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb
Delivered I am, now I have a testimony…Favor’s upon me
Grace and mercy, love and peace abound
Oh in you I’ve found a God that will not ever leave me
He won’t forsake me
You don’t know…my story
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh, how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Can’t imagine
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
From Life and Favor
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/life-and-favor-you-dont-know-my-story-lyrics-john-p-kee.html#eJVTtc74z8KGIz8M.99




This song is true for every set of eyes that will read this. No one knows my story front to back and that is something I want to change because the testimony God gave me is incredible and it has the potential to do some incredible things. Gods been showing me more and more in recent history just how much potential I have to help people. Do me a favor. Take a second to ask questions. To get to know me and see just how amazing our God is. Then give me the chance to return that favor and tell me your story. I bet its even more amazing than mine :)

Victory

I have fought this fight

I have been battling far to long

I have seen all I know and love fade away

Friends turned their backs on me

Family pushed me away

An outcast in my own home

A stranger to all those I once loved

I have faced many demons

I have seen many tragedies trials and hurts

I have faced addiction

I struggled through alcoholism

I have been used and abused by people I once trusted

People I trusted with my life

Disappointment and failure a daily reality

Until the day it all changed

Until the day that voice rang clear

 "I carried you through the each and every struggle

You have given your life to me, All of your life

I will gladly take every struggle trial and fight

 You have been set free!

Don't you see?

You were never alone!

This you have heard before

I have told you before

I bear your burdens

They are mine not yours

You won those battles not by your power but by mine

Each time you lifted your voice

Each prayer prayed, every single one

Each time you looked for my hand I was there

When you stumbled and fell

When you were weak and unsure

When you turned away

When you were unlovable

I was there

You will struggle from time to time

It is a part of this life

But you are never alone

You will never be alone

I am with you and you are mine"



The Night Before Hunting Season

I apologize ahead of time to anyone who doesn't approve of hunting!

 

'Twas the night before hunting season and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even the dogs

The rifles were hung in the gun racks with care

In hopes of big bucks soon would be near

 

The hunters were nestled all snug in their in their beds

while visions of tree-bark danced in their heads

Dad in his flannel and I in my sweats

had just settled down for our last good nights rest

 

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

we sprang from our beds to see what the matter

down the stairs we ran, a flash and a dash

to the front yard to inspect the very loud crash

 

the moon on the breast of a new fallen snow

gave light to the tracks that all hunters must know

when what to our wondering eyes should appear

hoof-prints in the snow the fluffy tail of a deer

 

with a silent look to his side my dad gives a look

to the house I run, a rifle a took

fast as my feet would carry

from my mission I would not terry

 

as dry leaves before a hurricane fly

when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky

so through the house I ran

till a gun was placed in my dads hand

 

then with a start a heard that sound ring

the clock chimes twelve, time for the hunting to begin

through the woods we tracked all the night long

till the break of day and the morning birds song

 

our eyes twinkled the light on the snow

our cheeks like cherries and noses like a rose

after the exchange of one glance

we both began to dance

 

he spoke not a word but went straight to his work like a jolly old elf

I laughed at my dad in spite of myself

with the wink of his eye and swift knife-work he claimed

"Happy Hunting Season to All and to all Good Game!"



Blessings and Apologies

I have made so many incredible friends since I have come to school and in many ways I have grown and changed. especially since Expedition but I also realized that there are some things that need to be taken care of and here and now is the way I plan on doing that. Publicly so that nothing is hidden. I have grown very close to an awesome God. I have been thinking about all hes brought me through and this is what I have to say now looking back. I am just not right without him and I know that. he defines me. I cant picture me without him and I know I have sooo much to learn, I want someone to teach me all of that, someone to disciple me in that way, but I know I'm headed in the right direction. On the other hand none of this can go anywhere further until I truly finish what God started working on first two years ago and then again at Expedition.

To all those at Granville Assembly of God: I am truly sorry for the hurtful words and actions of the past. I know that I was in the wrong and although it was what, three years ago now I feel the need to apologize and ask forgiveness. It was a different time and a different place now. Please know that I am not the same person I used to be. So much has changed and the closer I come to God the more I see just how hurtful and really hateful what I did was. I am very Sorry...

To those at IVCF: Yes as much as God had changed me before I got here he has changed me a 1000 times more since being around you all. All that I have faced since being here has been legit, It has not been fun or easy but my past is not what you think. Yes i struggled with addiction after years of abuse but you don't have the whole story. I was also addicted to lying and that was far more serious than any other problem I had. Know what you know about me is true but I feel wrong by not giving you the whole story and by not being real about the extent to which different things played a role in me getting to where I am.

To those at Adirondack Experience and those I know mostly from my sophomore and junior years of highschool: Well you really don't know me at all. Pretty much all you know about me is untrue. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me but I also understand I seriously broke your trust and that what I said and what I have done warrants you never speaking to me again. My biggest fear has been that by apologizing to you I would end anything we have left and I didn't want to do that. At this point honesty is more important than that and you all deserve to know the truth and should you by some shred of grace still want to know the real me you will see just how different I am than the person that I created way back when.

I am soo sorry to all of you. All of you have something to be angry about. Some more than others but this is my way of saying openly and publicly so that nothing can be disputed that I am truly sorry for all my ways of the past. The hurtful sinful ways of the past.  I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive, start new and move on. I know some of you already have but to those who have not, know this isn't easy and that I really am sorry for hurting you all like I have.

Yes

when your whole life

as long as you can remmeber

everyone around you

has told you exactly

what you cannot do

when all you know is the work NO

when all you know

is what you will never have

 

it makes it hard to believe

hard to understand

hard to comprehend

that there are people in the world

that tell you the opposite

 

there are people in the world

telling you what you can do

pushing you to be your best

holding you accountable

people loving you

people saying GO for it

supportive, honest, caring people

 

i can now say i have seen both sides

Ive been told all my life

what cant be

you will never make it

you wont see tomorrow

you cant do that

you shouldn't try that

you should knock it off

ugly weak and broken

i have heard no for so very long

 

now i am hearing the opposite

Go for it they say

we will back you

we will support you

we love you, you can do this

you have everything you need

you are strong

beautiful

better every day

 

it can be hard to believe

that these words are true

two totally different world

which one to live in

which one to choose

its my choice to make

its not an easy one either

 

i want to believe

i can be what they say i am

i want to see what they see

i want to love and be loved the way they do

they say i already have it

i want to accept it

 

Jesus dies so that I could

he lives so that i can

i know its possible

he can make it so

 

God please make it so!

I want to be yours

I want to be whole

I want to hear you say Yes

just a Yes from you

NIght to Remember

The day started out like any other. A typical Monday but that is definitely not how it ended. As I left for bible study that evening I was not prepared for what was to come but I am very glad that it did come. As everyone knows by now Hurricane Sandy is wrecking havoc all across the Northeast. Potsdam is no exception.  We were sitting in the living room reading from Genesis when the lights went out. I looked at Danielle and smiled. Well guess were doing bible study by the glow of flashlights and cell phones, that was the general consensus. We moved to the hall of the townhouse where the emergency light was lit up and continued our study on temptation until we decided around 8 that I would probably be safer staying the night.
That is when things got incredible. Jamie got out her guitar and all six of us had a worship party and prayer meeting under the emergency lights in townhouse E6. Best worship Ive had in a long time. It was far from perfect but there was heart and dedication. We worshipped to worship giving our hearts to the Lord in both great music and prayer. we danced the night away by the glow of flashlights and phones. We laughed and bonded well into the night. I learned to love and trust and enjoy the company of great new friends. It was a night i will never forget. a night to remmeber always. Thanks to all those in the townhouse E6 in Suny Potsdam :) Love you all!
what a great night with Jamie Roscoe Danielle Ludwigson Esther Hong Audrey Cooper and Jihyun Park! Feeling much better today and thankful for a chance to spend time with some great women of God. Funny how such a nasty storm could bring such great bonding and memories!

Broken Pot Shining

The scars are fading

The nightmares become distant memory

Pain no longer there

Hurts of the past, fading fast

Peace has become the new normal

A good night's rest

Quiet time with the Lord

Life is Life again

All that was holding me back

Disappears into the background

A whole new world is opening up around me

God is doing big and mighty things

Picture an empty flower pot

 Its full of cracks

Beat up and broken down

Put a bright shining candle in it

 Let that light shine through the cracks

This is my life

Ive come from a bad place

My heart is cracked and broken

But the light of the Lord

My God and my Savior

Is shining through every single crack

A light to all those standing where I once stood

A light that will always shine

As a new life is beginning

An old life ends

Instead of filling all the cracks

God shines through them

A broken pot shining in the darkness

Lessons from Expedition 2012

OK so this is not my typical post by any means but this is what happen. start to finish all my notes from the best weekend of my life (so far)

1) the prodigal son
2)Fishers of men
3) quiet times
4) sharing my faith
5) Lordship
The Prodigal Son - What the heck did this mean to me? Well that's an easy question to answer!
 I am the younger son. I sinned against my family and I hurt them badly when I walked away. Granted I did it for my faith, mental health, and safety but I  didn't tell them that at the time so they had no clue what was going on. I packed everything and left. Took all I had in a pink plaid duffel bag and walked out and didn't look back until I recently realized, before October break, that it was time to make things right, to go home, apologize and be with my family again and would you believe they accepted me back! They accepted me back just like the father accepted and welcomed his son. They forgave me like my Heavenly Father forgives me.

Fishers of Men- My testimony is incredible and God has been showing me that for a while but the more I shared the more it hurt and the more I got down, depressed, and the worse I was feeling but in reality Jesus gave me this testimony so that I can reach a huge diverse group of people.The way he has called me and the way he is revealing himself to me in so incredible and just too amazing for words.

Quiet Times- God is showing me here how to better spend my quiet times with him and in his word. It seems so simple but now I have the tools I need to really work through his word, learn from it, apply it and help others around me do the same!

Sharing my Faith- God gave me an exact list of told to use to effectively and honestly share my faith in a way that people can connect with and respond too. He helped me overcome my fears of praying around other people and is showing me how to do things his way for his glory. He has released me to be able to face the fears and the hurts of the past without even a moment hesitation and he is keeping, making and fulfilling so many promises. I am so thankful for all he is doing, it doesn't seem like much but its the best I have to give. My thanks praise and worship. Lead my life.

Lordship- God was calling me to give him everything including a huge chunk of sin and some parts of my life that I had been holding back for a very, very long time. He showed me both during track time and in an hour of prayer with two women I really admire and look up to, what those areas were and how he has released me from those things.

He showed me so much so fast. The best part came from the very last worship service. It sums up the entire weekend. God spoke to me directly as he always does. In that loving, I'm your Daddy and I care and I will never ever leave you voice. This is what he told me and this is how I will finish my post. I could talk forever of all the things he did but this sums it up soo well!

He said to me:
 I carried you through the struggles. now you have given it ALL to me and i gladly take it. You have been set free! now take my hand and walk with me. i am with you and you are set free from every thing that has ever held you back. it's over. now we can work together and be the greatest duo we ever could be. I love you my daughter. I really really do.

Need to Go

sometimes it can be hard to see

to see past the pain of a broken history

to see what God is calling me to do today tomorrow and forever

it can be hard to know where and when to draw lines

when to protect my heart

when to give my heart away

there is no clear cut answer for this

no answer as to why life has been what it has been

it can be hard to understand why this life hurts as much as it does

it hurts to be hurt

it hurts even more to let that hurt heal

God is good though

he loves me and he saves me from all of this uncertainty

he fought the good fight

so that i would not have to go through this

but in the end

all i really truly know for sure

is that right here

right now

he IS here

and this hurt wont be here to stay

he takes that away because he knows as much as i do

this hurt, it just needs to go



Life

     The past few weeks have been crazy, full of so many ups and downs. A lot of uncertainty, decisions being made, questions being asked and so much more yet as i sat down to write and reflect on it all I realized that I could smile about something. As crazy and as hard as things got one thing remained the same, my eyes where focused not on what was happening and people and circumstances but on God and what he was and is still doing through all of that.

      I got to visit my family and spend real quality time with them. Now anyone who knows me, knows anything about me and my life, knows that for me to be home for four days is HUGE! Not only was I home for four days but I had a ton of fun, made many incredible memories and got to spend time with the people that I love the most in this world. I was really worried about going home for break. I had been stressed for many reasons but at the core of the matter was one blaring, flaming fact. I left home and when I did so it was not on good terms. Things at home had gotten to the point where I could not live and be happy, not even remotely close to the live I knew I could live, so I packed my bags (voluntarily) and I left. Going back it was clear to see that I am not the only person God has been working on. My entire family had a new attitude about me. We laughed and sang and danced and spent the weekend enjoying and loving each other. The past was a thing of the past and broken bonds were healed an built into something completely new and amazing.I also got to sit down and talk with my Mom openly and honestly about my past. I got to apologize for things I had done wrong and hurts of the past. She did the same and that was absolutely incredible. While I was home I also visited friends and other family. Got to catch a few games and just enjoy life. What a blessing it was!

    I also saw how God has been working in my life changing me and making me batter. Pushing me to forgive myself for wrongs of the past, to apologize to those I have hurt and to move on. To put the past in it's place was not an easy task, and continues to be something I struggle with but he is giving me the strength and wisdom to do what needs to be done. Now I can clearly see how and why this is so important. More and more I have people telling me that they admire my strength and my faith. Most people would be thinking heck yeah! people love me but for me, I see another side to this. Being admired means I have to lead by example. Can't do that if I am hiding behind the shadows of a darker time. God has been so good to me, blessing me more and more as i follow him.Having people I love and care about see that and acknowledge that, and not only that but actually having them trust me enough to ask for wisdom and advice has been incredible. Being able to let his light shine in that way has blessed me even more, especially when these chats lead to close friends deciding the life I live is so great for me that they too want in, seeing them commit to Christ and starting to live in his ways, what an adventure!

     Through the good bad and ugly God has been my focus. When I was scared, fearful, hurting and more as good friends and old friends faced crisis after crisis I took it to God. sent it through a huge network of Christians who were praying all across not only New York but across state lines as well.  Seeing God work in those situations and seeing him change lives first hand has shown me a lot but the most important thing I have learned while watching and observing all that's going on has been this: don't just sit back and watch what God is doing, get involved! Make a difference, speak up and be who you are but do it in a way that works with God and hid plans. You certainly will never regret it. I know i now not only live but i love living. Life is so incredible, don't waste it. That's what I feel is important.

Change

Change is in the air.All around me i hear people telling me how proud they are of how far I have come, how they cant believe what God is doing in my life, how it;s incredible to see me because I am completely different. Well guys you may be right but heres a newsflash for ya. I am far from where I want to be. There are still some things that I am really struggling with, there are areas of my life where God hasnt come in and done his thing yet and I am seriously having a hard time surrendering those areas right now. I am not big tough and strong like you think I am. It's time you all see me for who I am. I am a christian teen who refuses to settle for anything less than what God wants for me. I know it may seem a bit ironic that I want all God has and yet I am fighting with myself to let go but thats the glory of my God. He waits until I am ready. He doenst force me into anything. But now I am seeing that I can't take the next step in my walk with him until i do let go of this one last thing so here goes nothing.God this is yours now. Do your thing. Make me what you want me to be and please take this thing that I've been fighting for way to long now. It's time to get closer than ever before and I know you can make it happen. Break down the walls and barriers and change me from the inside out... again.

My Little One

when walking with you hurts more than turning my face away

when that faith  that moves mountains means doing what cant be done

when it comes to the point

where cracking and falling to my knees, crying at your feet

is the only option

when all i can do is call out your name

i know you are here holding me close

i come to you like the child i am

you are there as my father and my friend

you carry me when i can walk no more

you pick me up and you hold me close

as confused and hurting as i am

you grab me up in an instant

you take it all

the fear the pain the sorrow heartbreak and anger

its all gone, melted away

your grace your peace and your love surround me

and as i call out to you i can hear you say

" It's OK my little one, to come to me, to be at my feet, to not be the biggest or the strongest, you don't have to be the hero right now. You too have hurts and fears but they are mine now. No more worries. Wipe away your tears. Be at peace for I am here and it will be alright. I love you little one"

counting the cost

when every second hurts more than the last

when every memory of what things used to be brings a tear

when you don't know if you can take just one more hit

when you're at the end of your rope

when the world is crashing around you and all hope seems lost

when you take that moment to take a deep breath

when you count the cost

sometimes its hard to keep going

when every minute brings more fear and worry for the one you love

when walking with Jesus seems to be complicating matters

in that split second when you catch yourself thinking just one

one wont hurt

in the second right after that when you say oh heck no

when you realize that God

the one that loves you

the one that saved your life

the one that keeps you going

the one that gives you everything you need and so much more

when you realize that he is there

that he is holding him up in his hands

that as you and your friends stand in front of him in prayer

praying so hard and so long

that he is there holding you all and holding that one you love

that he will keep his promised to you

that you see him again

that the next time you see him he will be safe

he will be sober

he will be saved

that is will happen

that your prayers aren't being wasted

that your God is the God who answers prayers

loves when you are unlovable

that he too has counted the cost

that he has counted it and paid it

so that the two of you one day can look back and say

yeah that was hard but we did it together

the cost has been counted and re-counted

the cost has been paid

the prayers are being heard and soon

very soon

the prayers will be answered

that is just how awesome he is

just how he works

for me and for you

always and forever

Strength

what is strength?

is it being rock solid?

is it being in top of the world?

is it being in control?

life has taught me that this is not the case

strength is being weak and going on anyway

strength is being humble enough to cry on the shoulder of a loved friend

strength is knowing what lays ahead will be difficult

and doing it anyway

strength is seeing that life is not easy

but living despite your fears

strength is seeing that not everything will be easy

but going forward all the same

its not about being big bad and ugly

its about being humble enough to ask for help

about knowing you are not alone

knowing that you can ask and receive

life has shown me much in the past few years

a lot of things i wish i could un-see

many more things i am glad i did see

trials and tests that have stretched me

hard times that forced me to grow

this is one of those times

but i know that in the end

my faith and my God are here for me

my incredible friends

my allies and my enemies

there are many people in my life to thank

for they have shown me much

most importantly there are many people

that deserve a well done

for they have faced trials and walked away

with new knowledge

my only prayer is that when God is done with me

i will be one of those people

As You Are

 

broken, hurting, searching

that's how he calls us

here and now

its not about being perfect

let the walls come tumbling down

open yourself to his power love mercy and grace

let yourself be wrecked from the inside out

let our God set you free

let him make you who he wants you to be

one step is all it takes

humble yourself

give it all to him

that's all it takes

sounds to good to be true i know

but that's how it goes

day by day, minute by minute

he will carry you through the hard times

worries fears problems and pains

he takes it all gladly

so that you can be his

he fights your battles

he is your all in all

come and be with him

through the good moments he walks beside you

with joy peace and love

be ready when you make that step

come to him

just as you are

 



devotion

how do you start your morning?is it the same old morning routine, day in and day out,ABC and 123, just a force of habit?not me,nope i cant do that. that would drive me nuts.for me its something different every day. now you're probably wonder how i do start my morning.simple,one word,DEVOTION!i start my morning with devotion.sure i hit the same website every morning

http://www.d365.org/back2school/ but i start every  morning with a new and very different devotion.

i start with worship. i start with quality time with my God. now some may say duh! its a routine but

not me. every morning i learn something new. i grow just a tiny bit more. i get a bit of something bigger than me, brain food but for the spirit.there is no better way,no other way.i challenge you to do it too.start your mornings in his word.i guarantee you will view the world differently. you wont even do it on purpose but i bet you will find yourself doing things a bit differently throughout your day. i bet if you start your day with even ten minutes time just worshiping and reading the word you will see changes in and around yourself. little by little you will see things brighten up, things will look, seem, act, and appear different. don't believe me? try it and try to prove me wrong. i can tell you now I'm right but you can try to prove me wrong... go ahead i dare you!

New Begining

this is it

starting new

we talk every day

talk to mom and dad

my brothers and lil sis

fresh start

clean slate

tension wiped away

hurts of the past put behind us

a new life to live

were family again

a step of faith that changed our lives

one step started a domino effect

it get better and better

the only catch

i cant go back

i cant let myself slide back

no turning around this time

as long as i follow the path im on

as long as i follow my God

this will all work out

it will all be ok

well all get a new begining

what hurt the most

what hurt the most?

packing boxes

cramming them into the back of the jeep

where is she?

shes at kims

shes not here

not trying to talk me into staying

no i love you

no goodbye

no come back soon

she left soon as she knew i was going

now what?

does she think im just joking?

im not going back

i cant go back again

the last time i went back

it almost killed me

i cant go back

but i wish

i wish she had at least pretended to care

i wish

you know im sick of saying i wish

but  i wish is all ive got

i wish

and

god help me please



Attacked

Ubder attack but wont back down

hurting but i wont give in

he cant win

cuz i am bought with a price

covered by the blood

bound by my faith

the enemy cant win

the devil wont win

my daddy loves me

loves me by grace

loves me through mercy

he carries me in the moments of weakness

even now, tired and scared

My daddy is there

he loves me

loves me more than i can imagine

more than i could ever know

East to West

east to west. he spreads his arms from east to west for me. so that i could be whole. recieve his love. his mercy and his grace. he, the perfect one gave his life for me. died on the cross to save me so that i could be with him someday. how awesome is that? he really did it. he did it jsut for meand what do i give him in return? i dont deserve what hes giving me. wowzers.

Set Free

Open up my eyes to look in the mirror
Walking to the looking glass I feel like a small child
Staring back in the tall glass pane stands a woman
Tall and strong
Beautiful just the way I am
Proud to be me and nothing more
Loving every moment
I remind me of me
I am worth the work
Every single second passes and I realize
Just being who I am is more than enough for me

hurt

I dont know what is worse. the fact that she hasn't called once to see how i am or the fact that she never invited me to my brothers birthday or that she couldn't be bothered to call for a family event or maybe its knowing that its been almost a month and the only time she wants to talk is if she needs something. i cant play her games anymore. i need my mom. i need the mom i should have standing beside me right now. not the mom i see at the moment. i dont know wether im more angry or hurt but i know i feel both and i also know i have an amazing friend sitting beside me helping me through all this. what would i do without god and my bestie? its to scary to think about!

Dove

          Recently I began spending much more time with my closest friend Erica. We were discussing the final throughout the week openly thinking about what we were going to do for the essays, how we would grade the school, animals we reminded each other of, topics for the persuasive essay, things we just wanted ideas about. While we were talking about the question what animal we think of ourselves resembling I was stumped.  I couldn’t think of anything that resembled my character but Erica could. She said I remind her of a dove and upon further thought I found that I do indeed resemble the dove in a few ways.

            As I did research I came across many interesting similarities. For instance the dove is seen as warm, charismatic and supportive. I do the best I can to resemble these traits being there for my friends to lean on no matter what they are facing at the moment. The dove also symbolizes kindness, humility, compassion, and self-control along with many other strong and positive personality traits. All of these traits are things I look for not only in me but also in my friends and the people I spend my time with. Another thing the dove resembles to many people is the bible and the word of God. For me that is the most important trait of the dove. The dove is seen as purity and innocence as well as the Holy Spirit. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a passion for seeking God and finding him when all else has been lost.

            It caught me off guard at first. My friend saying I remind her of a dove. But as I researched the dove and its traits and characteristics I realized that in many ways I am similar to the dove. I am honored that someone who loves me and cares for me as much as Erica does sees me as someone that resembles one of the greatest birds in not only the  bible but also in the world. It’s a tall order to fill but as long as I remind her of a dove I will know that I am heading in the right direction. After all it was a dove that Noah sent out on the ark after the rains had stopped. It was the dove that brought back the olive branch, the first sign of new life. I see myself as a constantly changing young woman and new live means change so it seems very fitting that I should resemble the dove.

Who I Am

“What You Don’t Know”


When asked to describe me most of my friends rattle of answers pretty quickly. “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” the list goes on for what may seem like forever. However I feel like this can be very misleading. I may seem like these things are a part of my character but in reality this is not the complete picture.


I have been known as a fighter for a long time now. A person who stands up for what she believes in and who never backs down. What most people don’t know is that although I appear to be a solid backwoods girl, I too am fighting my own demons. Life is not perfect for me and for a time I didn’t know if I would wake up to see a new tomorrow.


I can remember the summer before sixth grade as if it were yesterday. That summer shaped my life in ways no one, not even me could imagine. That is when the world found out what was happening behind closed doors and why I was that kid in the back of the room who never said anything. I was spending the night at my cousins’ in mid- august. It was getting late and we were taking turns in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Her mom walked in while I was changing and from there the rest is history. The cops were called and photos were taken and my whole world came crashing down. The truth was out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The scars told the tale I didn’t want to tell.


You can't hide them. they cover my hips and I had to explain. I had to explain how they got there, why I hated myself enough to put them there and what had happened. It started when I was three. It was just him at first, then he started selling me to his friends. It was awful. I hated myself for what they had done to me and to cope I took it out on myself, with a razor blade. But I had been caught that night and my hard shell finally broke. It was time for someone to know. It was time for the abuse to stop. It was time to get help and get better and I was determined to do so after that night.

These words describe me well: “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” but I have to add a few more to the list for it to be complete. “She’s a survivor; she faces a demon every time she closes her eyes. She fights through PTSD every single day and the nightmares that keep her up at night are enough to drive anyone to drink. She knows what she wants. She stands up for what she believes, she has faith in the knowledge that God put her here for a reason and she prays that someday he’ll make it all ok. Most of all she is an actress for she hides the pain well but she never, ever lets that define who she is.” My best and closest friend describes me like that.


Now you know what most don’t know. Use the knowledge well. Don’t let it change how you view me. I am who I am and that is all I ever want to be.

True Colors

True Colors

When things are hard

And life throws a curve ball

That’s when you know

That’s when you show

You show your true colors

You let the world know

Who you are

What you stand for

You show the world

What your life is all about

For me it is hard

The past and the future

Thay leave me feeling lost scared and alone

They make me question and wonder

Who am I?

What am I doing here?

I know the man with the answer

Its trust ill have to find

Leaving it to him to decide

What this life is all about

He is my true color

My purple green and blue

He knows whats happening

Its in him that I trust