Stepping Stones

Each day I wake up is a day I am awed. I find it hard to believe I am still here, that I am breathing, walking, talking. Sometimes I have mixed emotions about this. Each day I wake up with struggles to face. Emotional, physical, mental, circumstantial, spiritual, relational. Each day brings a list of challenges and worries. Each challenge and worry a stepping stone. A chance to fall into the water or a chance to hop across the rocks and make it to the other side. As I work towards overcoming feelings and actions which are destructive and unhealthy I find some days are easier than others. I find that there are ways to handle thoughts and feeling that are constructive but I often find it much harder to turn to those things. I try to read and write and pray and sing but sometimes I find myself picking up a blade or pushing myself too hard to accomplish some unattainable goal or drinking or who knows what else.It is in that moment when I have to decide and I going to hop across or fall into the water? I am choosing more and more to hop across. For the next few months my blog is going to look a little different. It will probably be more raw, more uncensored and I am sorry if this bothers you but hey, I started counseling today! I am finally getting help to deal with, and face all the hurts. I am processing and praying and growing and I hope you will walk this walk with me. Pray with me. Grow with me. I look forward to this season, although I know it won't be easy as God heals and leads. Today I took a huge leap, not just a small step to the next stone but jumped to the next boulder. Change is coming... LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

Darkest Hour

It is in the darkest hour that we find what what we are truly made of, what we can endure. It is when the world is caving in on us, when every breathe feels like our last, when every moment we live is another miracle. That is when we find out just who we are. Do we stand in the rain? Do we hide under the blankets? Do we run for cover? Do we sit down pray and pull out that beat up old bible we have been kicking around? I am going to be real for a minute. I am going to be vulnerable. I have a problem that is eating at me and destroying me sometimes slowly and sometimes faster than I can control. I am human. I am a sinner and this is my darkest hour. For a while I stood in the rain and cried. Why? Because when it's raining nobody can tel how hard you're crying. Then I hid under my blankets. Why? Again because nobody can see under the big comfy blankets. I can hide until someone comes and crawls under the covers with me. After that I ran for cover. Because I wanted to be alone. I wanted to live in my own private corner and not have to answer to anyone. Finally, when all else failed I sat on my cold tile floor and I picked up that dusty old bible that I had  been kicking around. I never go very far without it but recently it has become more of a paper weight than a sacred, holy, life giving book and love letter. I sat on the floor I picked up that book and I read the story of the Prodigal son. Luke chapter 15: 11-31

 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

In reading this I saw the Father's love for me. I opened my eyes, I took a look around, I saw what I had done, how I had squandered my inheritance so to speak and I saw just how easy it was to run home. To come home to my Daddy. To come home is all I need. In my darkest hour all I needed was to run home. It's so simple. So profound. How deep the Father's love for me? How vast beyond all measure? How much grace and mercy! It is then I discovered that my darkest hour comes just before the dawn and it was time for the sun to rise.

Revelations

I've been a walking heartache. I've made a mess of me. The person I've been lately isn't who I want to be. I have made mistakes, done unspeakable things. I have sinned against God, myself and the ones I love. I have been a truly awful person but now I need to be real. I need to be myself but more importantly be a woman God looks upon and smiles. My thoughts and actions need to honor my father in heaven. My heart needs to be pure. I need to forgive and be forgiven. I am finding myself at a loss for words. I have become a person I hate. A hypocrite and a failure at best. Finding redemption at the Cross of Jesus Christ is my only hope. When things got hard I ran away. I ran to a bottle, to a blade, to a boy. I ran as far away from God as I could because I couldn't handle disappointing yet another person I love but now I see that I am loved regardless of my actions. That is a powerful thing but it's not to be abused. I still have to walk in grace and in truth. I still have to honor God in all I do. Grace isn't a get out of jail free card it's the gift of unconditional love and unmerited favor given freely to those who believe. Not the same thing. So here's to starting over. Finding myself and finding God. Here's to becoming a woman God can be proud of.

Stop, Breathe, Pray

Stop, Breathe, Pray. These are words I have uttered and muttered countless times before but they are words with so much power behind them.

Stop. Stop stressing, worrying, freaking out and scrambling. It does absolutely no good. It brings nothing but stress, fear, illness and all sorts of other bad for you things.

Breathe. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax. Realize that you are not now, nor have you ever been, the one in charge. Accept that. It will make life a thousand times easier.

Pray. The most powerful weapon we have is prayer.  Pray to the one who provides for all you need. You may not have all you want but what you need will be provided.

Much easier said than done I know but really it's the best solution to anything you face. Stop for a moment to set aside the chaos and insanity known as life. Breathe for a minute, unwind and remind yourself who is in charge and pray. Lift up whatever is on your plate to your Heavenly father who loves and cares for you. He will provide all you need!

Lessons

Romans 8 1-2, 37-39
"Therefor there is no condemnation is Christ Jesus because through Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, neither angels not demons, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord"

Recently I learned some lesson the hard way. I moved all over the place, several times in just a few months, made some money, got scammed and lost all my money and ended up right back where I started with nothing solid to lean on but the Lord. What happened you may ask... the answer is simple. I stopped listening to God. I made some mistakes. I dated a person I had no business being with. I moved against my better judgement. I walked away from my faith and really just stopped thinking all together for a good while. Needless to say a few months, a lot of money, more stress and anxiety later I am right back where I began. Not sure what the future holds. Missions work is still on the table but seems far off as I look at all the debt I now have to repay. It's a daunting task. Friends be careful and guard your hearts. I would hate to see any of you fall into the same trap  I did. It was a check cashing scam and now I am feeling every ounce of burn. I hurt myself and a lot of the people I love and care about and it's not going to be an easy or quick fix. God's grace and mercy abound but it's hard to focus on him these days. I seem to be looking at the mountain a lot instead of the one who can move that mountain. Now I must focus on God and I must focus on all that he is and his words. There you have it friends. Lessons from the past six weeks.

Rolling With the Punches

Life in constantly changing. Everything is up in the air. Work is stressful but it's going as well as it can be, after all I am a crew member at McDonalds. The longer I am away from my church in Potsdam and my friends there the harder things seem to get. I guess I am feeling isolated and alone. There aren't many believers my age here which is hard for me, definitely not what I am used to. Every day is another challenge. To stay clean, sober, healthy and safe. To take care of myself, work hard, do what needs to be done. Rooming with friends here and although there have been some discussions of faith and beliefs, and they are completely supportive of me they certainly  are not believers. Kind of starting to feel like I am running in circles I guess. Lots and lots happening constantly. Not much quiet time or down time. I sure do miss Potsdam. I will be visiting very soon though. Plans are being made even as I type this post. Excited for friends and church and spaghetti and Bagelry but somehow it has a bitter sweet taste  as I know it will be a short trip and I will have to come back to the same thing I am doing now. So many questions about God's plans and will for my life. As always life is a basket of change and I am trying to roll with the punches. Ali bit wiser for every day lived I suppose.

Reactions

So tonight at work some comments that were made that really upset me. Jokes and laughs being shared over human trafficking and sex slavery. I have lived through abuse many times. It makes me so angry to live though holy hell every day praying for either rescue or death only to have someone to make jokes about it. its not funny. Not even a little. Its evil and all sorts of ungodly awful. Don't joke about it. Not ever. Here are some facts...


Human Trafficking

What is Human Trafficking?
Human trafficking, also known as modern day slavery, is any kind of forced labor. A victim of Human Trafficking is controlled by someone and exploited, or treated unfairly, for his or her work.

How many different kinds of Human Trafficking are there?
To our knowledge, there are more than 4 types of human trafficking, some of which include sex trafficking, child trafficking for sex or hard labor, domestic servitude, and debt bondage. Mostly women, but also some men, are tricked into bondage with seemingly harmless job offers or are kidnapped or sold. Children are kidnapped and/or sold easier than adults because they are usually more gullible and are somewhat easier targets. Victims, especially the younger ones are sometimes sold to Human Traffickers in order to pay off a debt. They try their best to work off that debt so they can be free, but usually have extreme difficulty doing so.

How long has Human Trafficking existed?
Human Trafficking has been around for thousands of years. It started when human civilization began. It became a large and profitable industry for the Ancient Greeks and Romans and continued to exist as one through the medieval times and up until this very day.

Where in the world has Human Trafficking existed?
Human Trafficking has existed and still currently exists in 6 of the 7 world continents. We may here stories of human trafficking in other countries and think that it will never happen anywhere near us. However, Human Trafficking is a problem in the United States as much as it is anywhere else. In fact, it is estimated that roughly 14,000 to 18,000 people are trafficked each year in the United States alone.

How many Human Trafficking victims are there in the world today?
There are roughly 27 million victims all over the world today. That is the largest number of victims of Human Trafficking ever recorded. Considering that there are a little over 7 billion people in the world, that means that almost 4% of the world is in bondage.

Other Facts:
Human Trafficking is actually illegal in the world today, but it still occurs all over the world.
The people most subject to Human Trafficking are those who live in poverty or are in debt. They get tricked into taking a loan from the Traffickers and are promised work that will help pay off their loan. They soon find out though that the job they get is not the one they were promised. Whatever work they are forced to do is a lot harder, more abusive and involves very poor conditions.

Still think it's funny or something to joke about? Think twice next time you want to joke about slavery or abuse or rape think about the millions of people right now being used and abused and reconsider what your about to say.