A Perfect Way

Sitting around on a rainy day reflecting. So many questions running through my head. So many thing I don't understand or comprehend. Why am I still here? What is the point? How did I make it this far? Who am I? So many things on  heart but that's what it all comes down to in the end. Things on my heart? Oooh my heart! The biggest thing running through my mind right now is why is my heart the way it is?? Why am I so sensitive? Why do things affect me the way they do? It is who I am and I don't understand it. I don't understand this connection I have with God, I don't understand how my emotions can be so entwined with my physical health, I don't understand myself and that drives me crazy! I think to myself that if I can understand it, ouI can wrap my mind around it even a little bit maybe just maybe I can finally get back to feeling like myself. maybe I can have lasting peace and true rest but even if I  did understand I am not entirely convinced that it would change anything. After all I am a chosen child of God, he created me just the way I am for a very specific purpose and so the questions why and how lose a bit of importance. I still wonder about myself though. Maybe it's not so intense now but I do wonder about life and myself. I imagine we all do from time to time. I take great peace in knowing God has it all under control though. At the end of the day God knows what he has done, is doing and what he will do and he only does things in a perfect way.

Daddy Time

Tonight I called my Daddy. I needed to  hear his voice. I miss him so much. We talked for a short while and while we were talking the conversations I had earlier in the day played through my mind and my head and my heart sank. I needed to talk to my earthly father but what about my heavenly father? I hadn't picked up a bible in weeks. God time had been God hitting me over the head with some new important piece of information and then that was it. No conversation, no reading the book he wrote for me. I hung up with my Dad and pulled out a bible. I opened up to 2 Corinthians 6 in the message version. I was surprised at what I saw.
 "Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don’t squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us,

I heard your call in the nick of time;
The day you needed me, I was there to help.

Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don’t put it off; don’t frustrate God’s work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we’re doing. Our work as God’s servants gets validated—or not—in the details. People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all.

Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way:


“I’ll live in them, move into them;
I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people.
So leave the corruption and compromise;
leave it for good,” says God.
“Don’t link up with those who will pollute you.
I want you all for myself.
I’ll be a Father to you;
you’ll be sons and daughters to me.”
The Word of the Master, God."

No words. There is was. Right there in black and white. I had been wasting precious time and I hadn't been  very diligent in spending time the way I should and it was catching up to me. But thankfully my God is a God of forgiveness and second chances (unlimited second chances). I curled up to pray and all I could say was "Daddy, just want to spend some time with you. I need my Daddy time. It's been so long." Its been too long. I need to be close to my Daddy. Not just the occasional prayer for a friend, worship on Sunday morning or bible verse to hold myself together. No. I needed something so much deeper than that. I need a relationship and that takes time and work which I am more than willing to give.

Rainy Days

Sometimes I wake up and it's dark in my room. I know it's morning because the clock reads 7:23 so it should be sunny and my apartment should be filled with the suns bright rays but alas it is dark and the pitter patter of rain on the roof tells me one thing.... it's a rainy North Country morning. There is a choice to be made. I was already feeling sluggish and let's be real, there isn't a whole lot you can do a day like this. So I curl up in one of my daddy's old flannel shirts and a pair of running shorts with a movie and a cup of tea. I watch Nanny McPhee and I relax a bit. It is good to rest unwind. There is however laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink and a shower that needs to be cleaned. Just a typical rainy day for me but it's so good, so amazing to able to relax and just enjoy the day. To enjoy life. To take a deep breath and to catch up on life and friends. The best a rainy day could be I suppose.

What Goes Unseen

The pretty shiny exterior can be misleading. All well polished and finished. Beautifully crafted. Tans, whites, browns, cremes. Gorgeous by all accounts but the inside? Well now that's a different story. Do you dare open the cover? Do you have the guts to see what lies beneath the lid? Most don't and the few that do are shocked at what they see. Jagged, sharp edges. Reds and blacks. Dark, smelly, caverns. Hidden doors and rooms that go unseen. Everything broken, shattered in pieces. The outside looks great but dare to peak inside and what usually goes unseen could tear you apart. You would never know by looking at the exterior that this is what lies beneath. The carpenter comes in. He cleans the walls. He fixes the glass. Opens all the doors. Cleans every hidden passageway. Top to bottom he renovates. Not just a remodel but a complete overhaul. The outside looks the same. Like nothing is happening but deep inside everything is being turned upside down. Fine tuned. Adjusted. Fixed, repaired and cleaned up. Would you ever know the difference? Not many would. But the few who do can see that true beauty is found not in a shiny exterior but in a broken down, beaten up place being  remodeled and repurposed and used for the Carpenters glory.

Friends do you get the analogy? Think hard. Pray harder. Dare to be the one who peeks under the lid to see the Carpenter's work.

See

All day every day we use our eyes. We see everything around us, take it in, process it and use the information in less than a second without realizing how amazing our bodies are and what a miracle that is. I get to see miracles every day. I am a walking miracle. I see them all the time. Around me, friends, family, coworkers, God does absolutely amazing things and I am blessed to see these things happening. God's love, grace, peace, provision, healing, friendship, life itself. It amazes me to learn more and more about our God and how he sustains us. As my body changes and heals I realize how amazing he is. As I see him bringing peace to me and other it blows my mind. All he does stretches and grows me and to be privileged enough to get to watch it all unfold, well that it a miracle in and of itself. Just  thinking and reflecting I suppose, I am good at that. God is amazing.

No Sense in That

This past week I found myself feeling rather homesick. But at the same time not wanting to step foot in the 518. Somehow these two things feelings were occurring at the same time and a good friend pointed out that it makes absolutely no sense. She was right it doesn't make sense but this is the conclusion I came to long ago. Home is home. It's where my family is. It is where I learned hard life lessons, grew, made mistakes and figured stuff out. It holds lots of memories both good and bad. It's the good that draws me back. For a short time I can set aside the hurt that swallowed up a good part of my time there and focus on making fun memories with the people I love. There a nine year old little girl and a three year old little boy back in Granville New York that I love an awful lot and when I realise that I barely know them that breaks my heart. The good doesn't erase the bad and I know that I can never go back to stay. There is a lot there that just can't go away instantly but as I work on (with God's help) forgiving those who hurt me all those years ago I find it gets easier each time I take a short trip home. I may never be able to stay for long but I do enjoy getting to go home and see those beautiful little faces. I enjoy cuddling with my dog and my bunny rabbit, I enjoy late night walks across the foot bridge with good, old friends, I miss my Uncle Tom's bear hugs, swinging on the old swingset at the little league field and late night cuddles with the cutest kids on earth. I don't miss fighting with Mom, living in a loud, smoky house, tripping over critters every other step, the nightmares of days long past or the chaos. There are so many mixed emotions when it comes to going home but in the end it is home. It is where I got my start. There is so much I could say about that house in the middle of a small town but in the end none of that matters. It makes no sense to anyone but me and I guess I just have to be ok with that.

You verses Me

You say I am strong - I say I am weak
You say I have faith - I luagh, I say I just know what I have been promised
You say I have conviction - I say I just know what I want
You say I am hard headed - I say I just chase my dreams
You say I am fearless - I say I am courageous, fearful but keeping my eye on the prize
 You say I am an inspiration - I say I am just me and nothing more

I often find myself wondering why I people see me so much differently than I see myself. I often wonder how people can think so much of me. I can't say it's easy to understand, but I am starting believe that it's just the way I see life. I keep praying that God would show me how to see myself but at this point I just want to smile and accept the love I am being given. It has been a rather scary week. With a trip to the hospital and lots of medicine and a whole lot of prayer. My friends are taking great care of me, but I am pushing myself pretty hard. It's hard to believe what my body can do when I need to. Thankful for everyone who has been there this past week and praying that this next week looks better than the past. You say, I say, You say, I say. It may never stop but I love you all dearly.