What Now?

My phone vibrates and my heart skips a beat. Is it him again? What is he going to say this time? I smile and I laugh and I wonder. What is this? What is happening? I don't understand the feelings or thoughts. I don't know just what to make of all this. It's too good to be true but I know I am not dreaming. It is insane. I am losing my mind. He is very real. Late night talks, questions fly back and forth. Commonalities and differences come to light. And then I think to myself. Wait. Slow down. Think things through. Breathe. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. No need for labels or words or rushing into things. It's a blessing. It's new. It's a beautiful thing. But it's just that. It's new. Sometimes I get swept up in the moment and I get confused and I get all weirded out and worried about silly things that don't matter and sometimes I get way over excited. And other time I get scared. Emotions go crazy. Sometimes they tend to color our days in ways that we can't explain. I took a step out on a limb and I took a risk and I met someone rather amazing. Now what? Well I don't know what now. One day, one hour, one minute, one text at a time. That's what now.

Lyrics and Poetry

It is a well known fact that I love reading, writing and singing. As I sat down tonight after a long day my craving was for the things of God. I curled up on my couch and I pulled out my Bible. Still within earshot of Abbie as she sleeps but far enough away so that she wasn't distracting me. I flipped open to Proverbs and opened Pandora to a worship station and I let the poetry of the Bible speak. I found myself reading proverbs 31 but more specifically the passage about a wife of noble character.

 Proverbs 31: 10-31

10 

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

 She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This passage has always awed me.I am bad with my  money, always have been. I do love to open my home to friends and family alike but as for strangers... well I am just not that trusting. After meditating on this passage for the second time today a song played on Pandora that brought a tear to my eye. Its an old Casting  Crowns song. The chorus cut right to the heart of the matter.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

Who am I? I am certainly not a wife yet, and nowhere near a wife of noble character. I sin and fall short of the glory of God as we all do. It's a miracle that I've made it this far in life but honestly it's not about me. It's not about what I have done or haven't done. It's about Jesus, what he did for me. How he loved me, how he holds my heart, how he cares for me and how he gladly takes upon his shoulder all that I carry so I can stand up and be free. HE is the one that makes all life possibly, he is the one who makes it possibly to be the wife of noble character. He is the one who can change, shape, and mold me into the woman I long to be. Its not because of who I am but because of what he did. Lyrics and poetry have a way of speaking to my heart. There is nothing better than reading my bible on a warm summer night with worship music playing in the background because God is nearest in those moments and he speaks through the lines, words and music to the heart of the matter. 

Stepping Stones

Each day I wake up is a day I am awed. I find it hard to believe I am still here, that I am breathing, walking, talking. Sometimes I have mixed emotions about this. Each day I wake up with struggles to face. Emotional, physical, mental, circumstantial, spiritual, relational. Each day brings a list of challenges and worries. Each challenge and worry a stepping stone. A chance to fall into the water or a chance to hop across the rocks and make it to the other side. As I work towards overcoming feelings and actions which are destructive and unhealthy I find some days are easier than others. I find that there are ways to handle thoughts and feeling that are constructive but I often find it much harder to turn to those things. I try to read and write and pray and sing but sometimes I find myself picking up a blade or pushing myself too hard to accomplish some unattainable goal or drinking or who knows what else.It is in that moment when I have to decide and I going to hop across or fall into the water? I am choosing more and more to hop across. For the next few months my blog is going to look a little different. It will probably be more raw, more uncensored and I am sorry if this bothers you but hey, I started counseling today! I am finally getting help to deal with, and face all the hurts. I am processing and praying and growing and I hope you will walk this walk with me. Pray with me. Grow with me. I look forward to this season, although I know it won't be easy as God heals and leads. Today I took a huge leap, not just a small step to the next stone but jumped to the next boulder. Change is coming... LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

Darkest Hour

It is in the darkest hour that we find what what we are truly made of, what we can endure. It is when the world is caving in on us, when every breathe feels like our last, when every moment we live is another miracle. That is when we find out just who we are. Do we stand in the rain? Do we hide under the blankets? Do we run for cover? Do we sit down pray and pull out that beat up old bible we have been kicking around? I am going to be real for a minute. I am going to be vulnerable. I have a problem that is eating at me and destroying me sometimes slowly and sometimes faster than I can control. I am human. I am a sinner and this is my darkest hour. For a while I stood in the rain and cried. Why? Because when it's raining nobody can tel how hard you're crying. Then I hid under my blankets. Why? Again because nobody can see under the big comfy blankets. I can hide until someone comes and crawls under the covers with me. After that I ran for cover. Because I wanted to be alone. I wanted to live in my own private corner and not have to answer to anyone. Finally, when all else failed I sat on my cold tile floor and I picked up that dusty old bible that I had  been kicking around. I never go very far without it but recently it has become more of a paper weight than a sacred, holy, life giving book and love letter. I sat on the floor I picked up that book and I read the story of the Prodigal son. Luke chapter 15: 11-31

 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

In reading this I saw the Father's love for me. I opened my eyes, I took a look around, I saw what I had done, how I had squandered my inheritance so to speak and I saw just how easy it was to run home. To come home to my Daddy. To come home is all I need. In my darkest hour all I needed was to run home. It's so simple. So profound. How deep the Father's love for me? How vast beyond all measure? How much grace and mercy! It is then I discovered that my darkest hour comes just before the dawn and it was time for the sun to rise.

Revelations

I've been a walking heartache. I've made a mess of me. The person I've been lately isn't who I want to be. I have made mistakes, done unspeakable things. I have sinned against God, myself and the ones I love. I have been a truly awful person but now I need to be real. I need to be myself but more importantly be a woman God looks upon and smiles. My thoughts and actions need to honor my father in heaven. My heart needs to be pure. I need to forgive and be forgiven. I am finding myself at a loss for words. I have become a person I hate. A hypocrite and a failure at best. Finding redemption at the Cross of Jesus Christ is my only hope. When things got hard I ran away. I ran to a bottle, to a blade, to a boy. I ran as far away from God as I could because I couldn't handle disappointing yet another person I love but now I see that I am loved regardless of my actions. That is a powerful thing but it's not to be abused. I still have to walk in grace and in truth. I still have to honor God in all I do. Grace isn't a get out of jail free card it's the gift of unconditional love and unmerited favor given freely to those who believe. Not the same thing. So here's to starting over. Finding myself and finding God. Here's to becoming a woman God can be proud of.

Stop, Breathe, Pray

Stop, Breathe, Pray. These are words I have uttered and muttered countless times before but they are words with so much power behind them.

Stop. Stop stressing, worrying, freaking out and scrambling. It does absolutely no good. It brings nothing but stress, fear, illness and all sorts of other bad for you things.

Breathe. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax. Realize that you are not now, nor have you ever been, the one in charge. Accept that. It will make life a thousand times easier.

Pray. The most powerful weapon we have is prayer.  Pray to the one who provides for all you need. You may not have all you want but what you need will be provided.

Much easier said than done I know but really it's the best solution to anything you face. Stop for a moment to set aside the chaos and insanity known as life. Breathe for a minute, unwind and remind yourself who is in charge and pray. Lift up whatever is on your plate to your Heavenly father who loves and cares for you. He will provide all you need!

Lessons

Romans 8 1-2, 37-39
"Therefor there is no condemnation is Christ Jesus because through Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, neither angels not demons, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord"

Recently I learned some lesson the hard way. I moved all over the place, several times in just a few months, made some money, got scammed and lost all my money and ended up right back where I started with nothing solid to lean on but the Lord. What happened you may ask... the answer is simple. I stopped listening to God. I made some mistakes. I dated a person I had no business being with. I moved against my better judgement. I walked away from my faith and really just stopped thinking all together for a good while. Needless to say a few months, a lot of money, more stress and anxiety later I am right back where I began. Not sure what the future holds. Missions work is still on the table but seems far off as I look at all the debt I now have to repay. It's a daunting task. Friends be careful and guard your hearts. I would hate to see any of you fall into the same trap  I did. It was a check cashing scam and now I am feeling every ounce of burn. I hurt myself and a lot of the people I love and care about and it's not going to be an easy or quick fix. God's grace and mercy abound but it's hard to focus on him these days. I seem to be looking at the mountain a lot instead of the one who can move that mountain. Now I must focus on God and I must focus on all that he is and his words. There you have it friends. Lessons from the past six weeks.