It's Been a While...

Wow, I cannot believe how long it's been since I last sat down to write. SO much has happened. A whirlwind romance, a big move, more job hunting, meeting my niece for the first time and thats just for starters. Things have been so crazy for so long that I've barely taken time for anything! I read and write when I can, I go to church, I pray and try (sometimes against all odds) to get in my quiet time each day. Really life isn't all that exciting right now. Just settling in at my parents, working on getting myself put back together, letting God heal the hurts of a speedy, crazy, semi-stupid love,  and just day to day life. For once in my  life things are pretty simple. A little chaotic, but simple nonetheless.

A Perfect Way

Sitting around on a rainy day reflecting. So many questions running through my head. So many thing I don't understand or comprehend. Why am I still here? What is the point? How did I make it this far? Who am I? So many things on  heart but that's what it all comes down to in the end. Things on my heart? Oooh my heart! The biggest thing running through my mind right now is why is my heart the way it is?? Why am I so sensitive? Why do things affect me the way they do? It is who I am and I don't understand it. I don't understand this connection I have with God, I don't understand how my emotions can be so entwined with my physical health, I don't understand myself and that drives me crazy! I think to myself that if I can understand it, ouI can wrap my mind around it even a little bit maybe just maybe I can finally get back to feeling like myself. maybe I can have lasting peace and true rest but even if I  did understand I am not entirely convinced that it would change anything. After all I am a chosen child of God, he created me just the way I am for a very specific purpose and so the questions why and how lose a bit of importance. I still wonder about myself though. Maybe it's not so intense now but I do wonder about life and myself. I imagine we all do from time to time. I take great peace in knowing God has it all under control though. At the end of the day God knows what he has done, is doing and what he will do and he only does things in a perfect way.

Daddy Time

Tonight I called my Daddy. I needed to  hear his voice. I miss him so much. We talked for a short while and while we were talking the conversations I had earlier in the day played through my mind and my head and my heart sank. I needed to talk to my earthly father but what about my heavenly father? I hadn't picked up a bible in weeks. God time had been God hitting me over the head with some new important piece of information and then that was it. No conversation, no reading the book he wrote for me. I hung up with my Dad and pulled out a bible. I opened up to 2 Corinthians 6 in the message version. I was surprised at what I saw.
 "Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don’t squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us,

I heard your call in the nick of time;
The day you needed me, I was there to help.

Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don’t put it off; don’t frustrate God’s work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we’re doing. Our work as God’s servants gets validated—or not—in the details. People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all.

Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way:


“I’ll live in them, move into them;
I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people.
So leave the corruption and compromise;
leave it for good,” says God.
“Don’t link up with those who will pollute you.
I want you all for myself.
I’ll be a Father to you;
you’ll be sons and daughters to me.”
The Word of the Master, God."

No words. There is was. Right there in black and white. I had been wasting precious time and I hadn't been  very diligent in spending time the way I should and it was catching up to me. But thankfully my God is a God of forgiveness and second chances (unlimited second chances). I curled up to pray and all I could say was "Daddy, just want to spend some time with you. I need my Daddy time. It's been so long." Its been too long. I need to be close to my Daddy. Not just the occasional prayer for a friend, worship on Sunday morning or bible verse to hold myself together. No. I needed something so much deeper than that. I need a relationship and that takes time and work which I am more than willing to give.

Rainy Days

Sometimes I wake up and it's dark in my room. I know it's morning because the clock reads 7:23 so it should be sunny and my apartment should be filled with the suns bright rays but alas it is dark and the pitter patter of rain on the roof tells me one thing.... it's a rainy North Country morning. There is a choice to be made. I was already feeling sluggish and let's be real, there isn't a whole lot you can do a day like this. So I curl up in one of my daddy's old flannel shirts and a pair of running shorts with a movie and a cup of tea. I watch Nanny McPhee and I relax a bit. It is good to rest unwind. There is however laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink and a shower that needs to be cleaned. Just a typical rainy day for me but it's so good, so amazing to able to relax and just enjoy the day. To enjoy life. To take a deep breath and to catch up on life and friends. The best a rainy day could be I suppose.

What Goes Unseen

The pretty shiny exterior can be misleading. All well polished and finished. Beautifully crafted. Tans, whites, browns, cremes. Gorgeous by all accounts but the inside? Well now that's a different story. Do you dare open the cover? Do you have the guts to see what lies beneath the lid? Most don't and the few that do are shocked at what they see. Jagged, sharp edges. Reds and blacks. Dark, smelly, caverns. Hidden doors and rooms that go unseen. Everything broken, shattered in pieces. The outside looks great but dare to peak inside and what usually goes unseen could tear you apart. You would never know by looking at the exterior that this is what lies beneath. The carpenter comes in. He cleans the walls. He fixes the glass. Opens all the doors. Cleans every hidden passageway. Top to bottom he renovates. Not just a remodel but a complete overhaul. The outside looks the same. Like nothing is happening but deep inside everything is being turned upside down. Fine tuned. Adjusted. Fixed, repaired and cleaned up. Would you ever know the difference? Not many would. But the few who do can see that true beauty is found not in a shiny exterior but in a broken down, beaten up place being  remodeled and repurposed and used for the Carpenters glory.

Friends do you get the analogy? Think hard. Pray harder. Dare to be the one who peeks under the lid to see the Carpenter's work.

See

All day every day we use our eyes. We see everything around us, take it in, process it and use the information in less than a second without realizing how amazing our bodies are and what a miracle that is. I get to see miracles every day. I am a walking miracle. I see them all the time. Around me, friends, family, coworkers, God does absolutely amazing things and I am blessed to see these things happening. God's love, grace, peace, provision, healing, friendship, life itself. It amazes me to learn more and more about our God and how he sustains us. As my body changes and heals I realize how amazing he is. As I see him bringing peace to me and other it blows my mind. All he does stretches and grows me and to be privileged enough to get to watch it all unfold, well that it a miracle in and of itself. Just  thinking and reflecting I suppose, I am good at that. God is amazing.

No Sense in That

This past week I found myself feeling rather homesick. But at the same time not wanting to step foot in the 518. Somehow these two things feelings were occurring at the same time and a good friend pointed out that it makes absolutely no sense. She was right it doesn't make sense but this is the conclusion I came to long ago. Home is home. It's where my family is. It is where I learned hard life lessons, grew, made mistakes and figured stuff out. It holds lots of memories both good and bad. It's the good that draws me back. For a short time I can set aside the hurt that swallowed up a good part of my time there and focus on making fun memories with the people I love. There a nine year old little girl and a three year old little boy back in Granville New York that I love an awful lot and when I realise that I barely know them that breaks my heart. The good doesn't erase the bad and I know that I can never go back to stay. There is a lot there that just can't go away instantly but as I work on (with God's help) forgiving those who hurt me all those years ago I find it gets easier each time I take a short trip home. I may never be able to stay for long but I do enjoy getting to go home and see those beautiful little faces. I enjoy cuddling with my dog and my bunny rabbit, I enjoy late night walks across the foot bridge with good, old friends, I miss my Uncle Tom's bear hugs, swinging on the old swingset at the little league field and late night cuddles with the cutest kids on earth. I don't miss fighting with Mom, living in a loud, smoky house, tripping over critters every other step, the nightmares of days long past or the chaos. There are so many mixed emotions when it comes to going home but in the end it is home. It is where I got my start. There is so much I could say about that house in the middle of a small town but in the end none of that matters. It makes no sense to anyone but me and I guess I just have to be ok with that.

You verses Me

You say I am strong - I say I am weak
You say I have faith - I luagh, I say I just know what I have been promised
You say I have conviction - I say I just know what I want
You say I am hard headed - I say I just chase my dreams
You say I am fearless - I say I am courageous, fearful but keeping my eye on the prize
 You say I am an inspiration - I say I am just me and nothing more

I often find myself wondering why I people see me so much differently than I see myself. I often wonder how people can think so much of me. I can't say it's easy to understand, but I am starting believe that it's just the way I see life. I keep praying that God would show me how to see myself but at this point I just want to smile and accept the love I am being given. It has been a rather scary week. With a trip to the hospital and lots of medicine and a whole lot of prayer. My friends are taking great care of me, but I am pushing myself pretty hard. It's hard to believe what my body can do when I need to. Thankful for everyone who has been there this past week and praying that this next week looks better than the past. You say, I say, You say, I say. It may never stop but I love you all dearly.

A Minute at a Time

    It's Friday morning, and I am sitting in the Barrington Student Union. I Have an entire day to sit and think, and I can do any thing I want to with that time. So I had a choice to make. I could sit around and watch T.V. all day long or I could do something else productive I debated for a few minutes. Flipping back and forth between facebook and youtube on my laptop because I was just not content. I wonder what I would be doing if I were home and in the end I decide to sit and listen to some worship music and write. I wasn't sure what all to expect. The night before had been a really rough one. I was emotional and hurting from the inside out. A good friend sat up with me and prayed with me and loved on me, but something was missing. I fell asleep praying that night and woke up exhausted and longing for more of God. It hit me after sitting around for a few minutes that that is probably how I should spend my morning. I should spend my morning talking to God and listening to what he has to say in return.

     I missed spending good quality time with God. I had for a while. I had made excuse after excuse for my lack of time sitting in his presence but in the end I had just dropped the ball with that. God was right there. Everywhere I went he went with me so being on the road was no excuse. Having been traveling consistently since the semester started up again I was feeling the strain of living out of my duffel bag again and I was getting angry about it, and so I stepped back a little bit not realizing this was God giving me the opportunity to reach out while I was moving around. It was an invitation to get closer not to walk away. I said oh, I don't have time for God. Really Jennifer? Really? You sit around all day filling out random job applications online and watching T.V., but you don't have any "free" time you can spend with the creator of the universe? The one who made and remakes you every day? Are you kidding?  Then it was well I just am not feeling very close of connected right now... huh.... I wonder why!

    I realized very quickly that this was my fault. I dropped the ball. I totally had pulled away. Things got hot, God was moving fast and in powerful ways and I got scared and I pulled away. I stopped working on our relationship so it's no wonder I wasn't feeling very close to him. A relationship requires both people involved putting in the effort to grow and be closer otherwise it breaks down and falls apart. It is quite simple really. So as I sat in the Union with worship music playing in the background I questioned myself. What can I do to make this better? What can I do to change this? The answer came from that still small voice in the back of my mind :) "Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Invest in our relationship and I will too. Work with me and I will meet you in the middle. My daughter I am here and I want to be close again, but you need to initiate this time. It's up to you to come to me. I will not force you to love and be with me. It is your choice. What do you want to do?"

Friendship Revelations

What is a friend? I have been thinking and praying and wondering about this for a while now. Some hard things have happened in recent history and some of the people I considered friends were distant at best. That got me thinking. What is a friend? What are they supposed to do? What are friends supposed to look like?

Websters dictionary says this:
A friend is - a person who you like and enjoy being with, a person who helps or supports someone or something
Friendship is - the state of being friends : the relationship between friends

This didn't help much. I like being around a lot of people that that doesn't mean I would consider them all my friends! What does a true friend look like? I thought on that for a long while. I came to this conclusion. A friend is someone like Alyssa or Oli. A person that you can call in the middle of the night when your heart is shattering. A person that is honest, loyal, truthful. A person you love with all your heart. A person that you can trust with your life, your deepest darkest moments but someone you can also be silly with. A person that you love being around. When I think of my closest friends I think about what a blessing they are qualities I admire in them. Loyalty, honesty, sillyness, seriousness, determination, just some of the things I love about the people I call my friends. I wonder sometimes what other people value in their friends, but there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I would trust with my life. That is saying something. I can't imagine life without them. They are a major blessing, and I cannot thank God enough for giving me the gift of friendship. That's right folks. I consider friendship and these people gifts from God. Lots of questions still run through my mind when I think about what defines a friend, but you don't have  to define gifts from God! You only have to accept the blessing and the love he lavishes on you!

We Are One

I do not have words to describe what happened tonight and I feel like that has been happening a lot lately... in case you hadn't noticed my blog, my writing my life has been changing an awful lot. I am in a different, better place and I am learning and growing and God is speaking. My writing is coming from a new source, a different place within my heart now. I am getting comfortable in my new skin and things seem to be lining up. Reviewing prophetic words given over the summer and praying with friends today opened my heart to a whole new level in my relationship with not only friends but God as well and as I begin to unpack all that has happened, the words shared and the prayers prayed I can't help but long for more of God. A deeper understanding and relationship. More love and trust to be shared in those private, secret moments. I long for deeper, more meaningful relationships with many people but mostly with God I suppose. I want to be closer to him than ever before and as that happens I am becoming closer to those around me that I have grown to know and love. Things are changing quickly but I am finding myself, sometimes at a loss for words, sometimes awestruck, sometimes confused, sometimes joyful, sometimes peaceful, finding myself in God and in his love. It is an amazing thing to see how God has transformed my life since I started this blog almost two years ago now. I am thankful for all he has done and amazed and the idea that he is still moving and is just getting started. I come to you all now after an emotional night, not really okay, with this one message in mind. In God I find myself. As I find him I find me. We are one.

Use ME!!!

    I recently found myself feeling the need to pray  prayers that have scared me since I first became a Christian almost two years ago now. It seemed like I had been taking forever to learn the basics. Prayer, reading my bible, following Jesus. Simple right? Well it took me nine months to figure this out. You never master the basis. Never.
      As I found myself growing and getting a grip on just what it means to give up every thing to follow Christ I realized the one thing I wanted most was a prayer away. I had given up my comfortable home, most of my possessions, left my family and moved to a strange place where I bounced from home to home living on the generosity of others and the provision of God alone. I was living simply. Looking for a job and spending time with God and I was growing fast but something was missing. Something big. I discovered that I was pretty focused on myself, with good right at that point. I had a lot going on being in the middle of yet another big move and changing churches and all but it was also bigger than just feeling selfish. I had a desire to get plugged in and to serve. It was burning and growing and I couldn't ignore it. Despite my insane situation I discovered living a life of faith meant not only trusting  God to meet my needs but also reaching out to meet the needs of others.
     So I did it. I sat down and I prayed that night. "God, you are sovereign and you have never left my side. You are faithful and you provide for me meeting all of my needs, never letting me go without. Lord, please. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Use me, lift me up to do your will, to serve others, to love on them as I have been loved, to bless them and meet needs in their lived. God, use me. USE ME!!"
     I had no idea what that meant at the time. No clue but now, as I am settling in at my new home and really digging in and getting plugged in I am finding all sorts of ways to serve and love on others. From lending a listening ear to a shoulder to weep on. From laughing and joking with a good friend to praying with new ones. God has given me an opportunity to reach out and lift someone up and share his love with them just about every day. I didn't know what I was getting into as I packed to move to Potsdam 14 months ago. I didn't know what I was getting into when I officially became a local three months ago. I didn't know what I was facing, ever. I just went and did what I felt God leading me to do. Each step a step of faith as I prayed and asked God to lead me and give me wisdom to know his will. Each step bringing greater and bigger blessings and each step bringing me closer to him. I have no idea what the future holds but I know that as I walk with God and continue asking him to guide and use me it will be an amazing blessing and great adventure.

Newness

I am settled into my new home. I am adjusting to a new church. I am excited about a new job. A new routine. A new way of life. It is all falling into place. It all looks good. Not perfect but good. I can't believe all God is doing in through and around me but I sure do like what I am seeing. Constantly growing and changing. It seems like nothing lasts for very long except the grace and favor and mercy of God but I hope this season lasts for a while. It is so good to be able to smile and say, yeah, ok, I have some things that need to be done but at the end of the day I am happy with life and looking to grow in my relationships with God and people. I still don't know what his plan is long term for my life but I do know that every day he reveals what I need for that day and it is enough to focus on just  that. The rest will come in due time. The newness may be wearing off a bit as I settle in more but this new way of life is certainly a good, pleasing way.

Settled

It is hard to believe it has been over a week, almost two now since I moved into my gorgeous new apartment. It has been an amazing week. I have finally rested enough to feel sane. I love where I am living and the family I am staying with, they are amazing. My bags are unpacked. My closet is as full as it is going to get. My bathroom is stocked and there are so many cliches running through my head it is laughable. It is so good to be home, finally. I am in the middle of lots of changed but I have found myself finally starting to settle down a little bit. Working into a new, much less chaotic routine. Dealing with the typical fall allergies and the never ending list of chores that come with having your own place. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, all part of the new daily routine. I am finally starting to feel like a "grown-up" and it feels rather good. Life may seem dull and predictable but that surely feels really, really good right now. I finally found myself saying I can't wait to go home. Finally. I am home. I am settled in. Life is back to normal... for now.

September days

I am settling in nicely. I have an amazing host family. I pretty much have my own apartment minus a stove but hey, I can always use theirs if I need to. I have a 6 week weekend job that will get me through until I get something more permanent and it seems life is coming together. Soon I will be visiting my family for a short time and fall is in full swing. The trees are changing colors, I am breaking out the sweaters and hoodies and my riding boots are finally being put to good use. It seems like life is coming together bit by bit. Life is good and I have finally settled down into a routine, albeit a crazy one. I have my own space, I have a small income for the near future, I have all I need and I have my God to thank for it all. A new season is beginning. I am excited to see friends and family, to learn and grow, to see what God will do next. He obviously has a plan as everything is working out so well and things are quickly coming together. Stay tuned for my fall adventured. September has been finding a home and job and stocking my new closet! That's right folks I have my own closet, bedroom, living room, bathroom, and small kitchen area complete with a sink, fridge, microwave and food! My job is amazing! Doing story time, crafts and animal exhibits for a local farm. Technically I am considered a farm hand but I love it. September days have been filled with lots of chaos thus far but it's winding down into a wonderful season.

Mountains

Mountains.I am facing lots of them. Finding a job. Finding a place to live. Staying healthy.
That is what I am facing. It's scary. It's insane.
This is what I believe. Faith can move mountains. I have some big ones. The bible has this to say about mountains.

Matthew 17: 14-20
 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.” “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” 18 Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

What is faith? The Webster's dictionary says this. 

• allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty
• fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions
• belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion
• firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust
• something that is believed especially with strong conviction;especially : a system of religious beliefs <the Protestantfaith

Where does that leave me?

I put my faith in the God of this universe! I can do all things through him because he gives me strength so I guess that means everything is going to be ok!

9/10/13

I am not entirely sure what to say right now. I am really not writing much right now which is probably unhealthy for me but I don't really know what to write. The past few weeks have been filled with emotions on every end of the spectrum.From gut wrenching fear to unexplained joy I have seen or felt it all this week. I Still have no idea what the future holds. No clue. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know much of anything right now but God is working and God is speaking. I really cannot say much more than that. I am waiting on him, learning to trust him again after forgetting how to trust anyone for a while. Learning how to love and be loved. Learning a lot I suppose. That's all I have for today. Not much exciting to say I'm afraid.

Outside Looking In

It seems crazy, irrational, unbelievable, ridiculous, and stupid to someone who has never experienced it. It bows peoples minds. It sets the stage for God to move mightily. It is simple. It grows and is more powerful than anything man made, created or invented. It is faith. My life may look like a mess right now. It may look like I have nothing, like I am poor, soon to be homeless, and out of my mind, and while the last but of that may be true on some occasions I am far from poor and my God will provide for all my needs, including a place to live. As I was curling up in bed tonight I suddenly realized that for a person standing on the outside looking in at my life, someone who doesn't know the whole story, or even a small part of it, I probably seem like a stark raving mad lunatic. I had to laugh at the thought because they have no idea how amazing my God is, what he has promised and what he has in store for me. These verses have been on my heart all week., I have read, reread and studied them and they still bring comfort to my soul.

Matthew 13:57 - But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Romans 8:28-30 -  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified

One Word

I have one word to describe the state of my life at the moment.
Maybe.
Everything is a maybe right now. A maybe. Maybe this maybe that. Nothing is solid. Nothing is official. Nothing is simple or easy.
The End

Nomad

Time and time again I have faced the same dilemma. It is time to pack up to leave where I am staying. Where am I going? That is a very good question. I often times don't know where I am going until the very last second. I don't know how God works these thing out in my life. I have bounced around so much lately. It is kind of crazy really. I have stayed all over the place and that will continue in the days, weeks, and months to come. It is a little scary, to have to just trust and wait on God to work thing out. Knowing all you can do is talk, pray and spread the word that you are standing in need. But God is faithful and he never leaves my side and I completely trust that he is working on something. What living like a nomad could possibly be preparing me for I have absolutely no idea but I am excited to see where this crazy road takes me. At a recent InterVarsity meeting the worship was amazing and it hit me hard because it was an attitude check for me. We all know the songs that played. But the ones that really hit me were 10,000 reasons and Blessed be Your Name. It was a reminded that God is good and that I should be praising him nomatter what the circumstances. I will leave you with this for the day. Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, He loves us more than anything. He provides what we need, gives us the desires of our hearts and he is always with us. So sing like you never have before, love our  God with all your heart and see his goodness in your life despite what things may look like on the surface.

A Pep Talk for Myself

Sitting on a friend's couch last night I began to question the plans for the week. As one thing after another went haywire and I really was just feeling unsure and insecure. I sat down and read my bible and after an hour long bible time (which was amazing) I started talking to myself and it was so encouraging I thought I would share my thoughts, and yes I literally gave myself a pep talk out loud, talked to myself and it was good stuffs. I told myself " Hey, you have got to stop worrying so much. It's going to be ok. You have had an amazing week, you have been incredibly blessed and it will continue on that way. Nothing is changing. God is going to work out all the details and it is going to be amazing.  He is going to put you exactly where you need to be when you need to be there. He loves you by the way, a very lot and any Daddy that loves his daughter would never let her do without. Think about he, he has never left you stranded before now has he? Sometimes it has been crazy and rather last minute but it has always worked out and now is no different." Now as I sit here and think about me telling myself all this out loud while sitting alone in my friends house I am thinking I may be going insane but hey it worked for me so who cares? I was so blessed last night and this morning by staying with Elise and by the time I had there and with her friend, the craziness was well worth it. There you have it friends. A pep talk for myself. As strange as that seems!

Genorsoity

The pure generosity of my friends amazes me. I love them all so much. They open up their houses to me when I need a place to crash for a bit. They are always there to lend a listening ear, to hold me closely when I come in at the weirdest hours of the day upset and needing a hug, they feed me (although sometimes that can be an adventure all on it's own if at Clarkson), they pray with and for me and they are just all around amazing. I was reflecting on the giving nature of my friends this morning for various reasons and I have to thank God in the end because it seems that whenever there is some need in my life he puts  a friend in my path to meet that need. Weather it be a little bit of money to get through the week, a hug on a rough day, a place to sleep when I am in town and need a bed (or couch or floor) to sleep in, or just to be a friend and laugh when in need of a good laugh there is always someone there to walk beside. This I think is the way a true friend acts. Out of love they are there for me and I only hope that I can be half of the friend that my friends have been to me in this past year. It is hard to believe looking back at the past year all my friends have done. They have given me rides home when it seemed impossible to visit my family. They pooled money to get me bus tickets on several occasions, once for Urbana, one to go home and on one other occasion as well. One good friend drove an hour out of her way to pick me up and let me stay at her house the night before a big conference, another drove two hours to pick me up when I was stranded and had no way home and no money left to catch a bus. One friend offered me money just to get through the week when all seemed hopeless and there were bills to pay and on countless occasions friends have dropped everything to come and pray with me in my time of need. They feed me constantly, which I am more than grateful for and in the end I have drawn this one conclusion. My friends are gifts from God. How else could I possibly have fallen into so many amazing friendships? How else could I possibly be so blessed by the people I have grown to know and love so much? How else could I have possibly found home in a strange place hundreds of miles from where I grew up? It was the generosity and love of some amazing people that made it happen and I thank God and them daily for it.

Return of the Students

It has been a long summer. Very long. I made some new friends but I missed all of my old friends, the  tried and true, I will always be there for you, good old friends. It was getting a bit lonely without them all here but this weekend my prayers were answered as my friends all made their way back to Potsdam. It felt so good to hold them in my arms today as I met with them one by one throughout the day. The reunion will continue tomorrow morning but for tonight I have this much to say. Our God is good. He is faithful and he knows what we need and when we need it. I have an extremely positive lead on a job that I will absolutely love. I have seen most of my good friends and I have met with God on a very personal level this evening. As the students return for another year of hard work I am thankful, even more so than I was this past spring, for all the amazing friend God has gifted me with. It seems to me that I am only at my best when worshiping surrounded by the presence of God and my closest friends. As much as I have grown and seen amazing this happen this summer tonight was icing on the cake. It was the answer to my prayers and it was the reunion of a lifetime as I stood at the doors of New Hope Community Church as was bathed in love and excitement and some of the best hugs I have received in a very, very long time. I count myself extremely blessed to know these people and to be able to be loved and to love on them and to just be a part of this big family.

Today

I haven't been writing as much as I usually do the past few weeks. I am not really sure why that is. Maybe life has just had me busy maybe not but this much I do know. My heart is full and it's time to let the thoughts and feeling flow onto the screen once again. Not much has changed lately to be honest. Still looking for a job and spending as much time as I can learning and growing but something deep inside has been bubbling. I can't put my finger on it but the days seems to be passing more slowly, my heart is not as joyful as it usually is and life just seems off. Thoughts of family and friends fill my days. Counting down the days until my friends return to the north country and wondering what God has in store for this coming year. I guess I feel a bit confused right now, and hungry. Very hungry for what God's word says, and what God has to say to me personally. Things have been so different lately. Not in a good way or a bad way really just different. I need to take time to clear my head I guess. So much has happened this summer. I guess as the music plays tonight, as I read a book, as I pray and cry a bit, and let my hear spill out I find myself wondering why I am here, what I am doing and when things will change yet again. These are just the ramblings of an uneasy heart on a late Thursday night but there is much to pray about right now. I have so many questions floating around, so many thing I need to do. My mind is so full and my heart is heavy but I don't know why. I wonder what God is trying to tell me but I can't quite hear him right now. Which takes me back to I need to clear my head and work through some stuff. Realizing there is more healing to be done and that I am not a strong, or as ok as I thought I was when it comes to the past. I have started sharing more about life before I came to Potsdam and it has been hard and it has brought up a lot for me. So yeah. That's what's been going on today. I need to write more I suppose and certainly need to pray more.

Loud and Proud

There is a song on my heart

One I just cannot shake

It plays over and over

The melody a constant presence

The anthem of my heart

It goes a little something like this

I will sing, I will dance

I will sing  my praises to the Kind

I will stand Loud and Proud

Not ashamed I hold my ground

I will dance in the streets

I will run through the grass

I will hold my head up high

And Give you the glory

You alone are worthy

Its impossible to ignore

Behind closed doors

In the safety of my room

I break out of my shell

I dance

I sing

I praise

I worship

Loud and Proud

Still

It is in the quietest moments

When I am still

When the world is hushed

When it is just you and I

When the music fades out

When I stop speaking

When I start listening

It is when I am still

That faith can blossom

When you can show up and move mightily

When you show me

When you love me

When you teach me

When you grow me

Out of the stillness

Comes great Awakening

What It Takes

I have been here with the Mowery family for a while now and people are wondering how I feel about being here and they keep asking how I can live like this so hopefully in one post I can answer that. Hopefully.

As for how I feel about being here I have a ton of mixed emotions. I love this family. I love being here but I also get homesick and I miss my friends some days and there are days when I really just want that job and car and apartment so I can be on my own. It's a mixed basket right now. I always fear taking advantage of the amazing gift they are giving me but I also fear that they will think I don't enjoy it here. There are many things I could ramble about that answer that first bit but I hope that helps some!

As for what it takes for me to be able to do this, that is a simpler but longer list.
It takes faith first and foremost. Faith that this is where God has called me to be in this season and faith to live with a family that isn't my own, that I don't know and that I have so much to learn from.
It takes patience to do that learning. To learn where I fit in, what is expected, what is unacceptable, what works well and the daily ins and outs. It's a learning curve like no other.
It takes trusting God and this family to know that I am safe here, secure and that I am well provided for (which I am so don't worry!!)
It takes diligence! In order for this to work I have to be diligent in both serving where I can and receiving when needed but even more importantly it takes diligence to stay close to God while walking through so many unknowns and personal storms and to really let him be God and lead the way.

That is what comes to mind. I hope that explains a little of where I am right now and what I am thinking.

Impact Zone

It was just an average, ordinary day. Nothing exciting was happening. Had no plans, no to do list, nothing on the agenda when on four hours notice I decided to take a two day road trip. Didn't know why but knew I should go. Somehow I ended up visiting my family. That is where the inspiration for this next post came from.

Walk in the door
The house goes silent
For only a moment in time
Then chaos ensues
The "How are yous"
The "what's new`s"
They never get old
This spur of the moment trip
A special surprise for the little ones
But best of all
The shrill shrieking
Of a nine year old girl and three year old boy
Double trouble I call them
Little feet hit the ground running
And then the impact moment
Ninety pounds of kid
Colliding with my exhausted body
The smell of freshly washed hair
The sweet scent of "Johnson and Johnson" lotion
The warm embrace of two children
I love them more than life
It's the impact zone that melts my heart in an instant
It's just like old times
It's a memory made
It's family

Outreach

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy. There has been a lot of hype, even thought about taking my blog down at one point. There was some person stuff going on and I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to do about it so I stopped. I talked to friends and I prayed. It wasn't long before God had answered. I asked him to show me what to do about my blog, asked him to show me weather it was worth continuing to write or if I should give up completely. It took exactly a week for the love and blessing to start pouring in. It was mostly from friends, encouraging me to keep writing, telling me that my story was one worth telling but there was one email, from a girl I had never met that really hit me hard. So just when I am ready to quit blogging all together, to shut it down and not look back I get an email from a 16 year old girl. She used to cut, she had been abused, she was struggling. She was looking for a friends web page and stumbled upon my blog by mistake. She read every post on my blog. All 95 of them and decided if God that if could help me then he could help her. She gave her life to Christ after reading my blog. This blows my mind. I never guessed in a million years I would have that kind of impact on someone I have never even met. That was my answer. That was what turned the tides for me. I started thinking not about the criticism and the mean, mocking comments but about the difference I was making. Someone somewhere is reading this blog. They are reading my words and seeds are being planted, encouragement is being sent out and my story is being shared and I may not know now what kind of impact that has but at the same time I don't need to know. It is enough to know that good things are happening, weather I can see that or not. In the end it was a reminder from God of the gift he has given me to write, love and reach out to those who are walking where I have walked.

Daydreams

A soft word

A kind remark

A gentle touch

A kiss on the cheek

Strong arms holding me close

A leader

Someone to chase the monsters away

Daydreams

That's all these are

Daydreams, a wish list

Dreams of the man I will someday marry

I hope he finds me soon

Give Up

It is hard to explain

Why I love her so much

Why I want her approval

Why she is the only person

In this world

That I can't stand to disappoint

I know what she has done

But I also know that

I love her

I have forgiven her

For the past

And I want her to love me

I want her to be proud of me

I want her to want me

But I guess all that is over now

Maybe I should just

Give Up

The Nations

For seven months

The desire to serve

The desire to go

The desire to follow God

To the ends of the earth

To the cities

To the country 

Wherever he would lead

Has been bubbling

Has been growing

It is clear now

This is what it

This is what my life is about

To go

To serve

To bring his word

To bring his love

To bring his heart

Everywhere I go

I have a heart for missions

Yes, I said it

I have a heart to go

To reach out

To lend a hand

To serve

To love to obey

The people of Nicaragua

Have stolen my heart

I will go

To the nations

Flowers

Today church was amazing as usual. I feel like I was definitely supposed to hear the message this morning. It was FANTASTIC! But after the great sermon something special happened. I got to go up for prayer and it was amazing. I have been struggling with some stuff this past week and I wasn't sure exactly what to expect but God spoke. As I was praying with three people from my church God showed up big time. He gave the guy to my left a vision. At first he asked me a question. "Every feel like your life is really crazy and hectic?" UHHHHH YEAH!!! Just about every day! Then he told me what God had showed him. I was running through a field. Really running, in a hurry to get to the other side. And there stood God. He stopped me in my tracks, sat me down and started putting flower in my hair. He told me to slow down. Enjoy my present circumstances, take time to relax, be with him and really, truly enjoy where he has put me. To trust him in everything and to love him in all I do. He also told me to honor him in the seemingly mundane everyday things I do. That word had being given earlier in the service but it was given to me again. The message was clear. SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM DOING. To worship him in all things and to honor him in all that I do. WOW!!! God has never told me to slow down before. I am not sure what all that means yet but I plan on taking some time to "Stop and smell the flowers". Thank You God for ultimately giving me permission to stop take a deep breathe and unwind before going on.

739

739. Yep. I have read that many reasons to recover and these stick out the most.

Because I would rather BLEED INK  than BLOOD
So my little sister doesn't think she needs battle scars of her own to match mine
So my little sister has someone to look up to
Because I am not damaged goods
Because I am worth it
To sleep at night
 These are the ones that stuck out to me. If you have a reason comment on my post. I will take all the encouragement I can get! <3

Be Real

So I have been thinking a lot lately

About me

About my story

About who I am

About where I came from

It's time to be real

It's time to let the world know

You may know already

You may have put the pieces together

Maybe not

There are good times and there are bad

There a days when I am fine

Sometimes I am not

The days when 

Life is good

When life is easy

When all is going well

When I am feeling blessed

That is when I am fine

The days when

It is harder

When I get homesick

When I miss my family

When I have a bad dream

When I don't know what comes next

When I am feeling lost

When I feel alone

Those days i am not fine

You see we all have a dirty little secret

We all have a story to tell

Sometimes I allude to it

Sometimes I own it

Tonight I own it

I am going to be real

Yes

I am an abuse survivor

Yes

I have struggled

Yes 

I get depressed sometimes

Yes

I used to cut

Yes, sometimes I still do

Yes

This is my story

And yes

It has a happy ending

For every time I have fallen

There has been a friend to pick me up

For every time I am broken

Every time I am hurting

Every time I am lost

For every time I am excited

For every time I am happy

For every time I am feeling blessed

And even when I am not

There is always someone

A person, a friend, My God

That comes along

Dusts me off

Dries the tears

And tells me It's ok

To be real

Someone told me recently that they didn't know my story but that they wanted to help me be all that I could be anyway. Those weren't the persons exact words but that is how I felt after the conversation. That stuck with me. I wonder how many people I have shared my story with and I honestly don't know but I wonder how much of an impact I could have if I opened up a bit more.

A Story to Tell

We all have a story to tell

Each and every one of us

Special and Unique

Designed with a purpose

 Recently a lot of past hurts have been brought up. A lot has been said, talked about and thought about and you know I have learned something about myself through it all. I have traveled a long road to get this far (literally and metaphorically) and I am not done yet. I still have flaws and weaknesses. I still have sore spots and places where I need God's healing touch. There are a lot of things I have been open about with friends and family but there are also a lot of things I only talk about when directly asked. I think we all have those things and those sore spots. I think, if we think about it each and every one of us has something they are not proud of, something they would change or undo given the chance. Something that you would never guess, something well hidden. Recently I have felt challenged to open up about a lot of these things in my life and I don't know when or how that will happen but given the chance I will freely share. I have posted a lot about life and lessons on my blog, and someone must be getting blessed by my words or I would not have this many pageviews but even I have secret things, hidden deep down where nobody can see them unless I want them to. Those are the things God is pushing me to share. It's a long list believe it or not. A list that is scary for some people. The list of things I have struggled with runs deep and ranges from self-hate and self-injury (yes I said it) to confidence and trust issues. I have been hurt a lot in my life. I have moved from place to place living like a nomad for a long time now. I have learned a lot the hard way and I have been blessed in a lot of ways but in the end I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have a story to tell, some longer than others and that should you want to know mine all you have to do is ask. It's not about attention or fame. It is just me, sharing my heart and wanting to bless other with a story of challenges, faith and God's love for me.

Settle In

Here I am

It has been a good year

But a long one

So much moving around

Lake George, Granville, Potsdam, Madrid, Philadelphia

Every few weeks

Somewhere new

Every few weeks a new family

New house

New life

But finally

The

Boxes unpacked

Pictured going up

Bed is made

Job applications going in

New library card

A place to call home

At least for a while

A thankful heart

It's finally over

Take a deep breathe

Let it out

A sigh of relief

As I 

Settle in

Motive

For over a year now this blog has been an outlet for me. A place where I am safe to express my deepest thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs and all that is on my heart. It has been a true safe haven for me. It has been a place where everything I bottle up, hide deep in my heart and hold close can explode onto the screen. I hope on some level it has been a blessing as my testimony, my life has made it's way into print but more or less it has been a place for me to spew thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, joys and concerns and so much more. It has been a long road. A really long road. Recently someone accused me of posting for the attention. Let me set this straight. This blog started as me just being me and nothing more and that is what it will continue to be. 88 posts and almost 1,700 pageviews later nothing about this blog has changed. I have changes, I have grown up, matured, learned, and been healed in a lot of ways but I will tell you right now this blog is just where I post about life. If you have a problem with that don't come back but otherwise let's please just enjoy on of the gifts God has given me. I see writing as a gift from God, most of what I write comes directly from him or something he has done and I will not tolerate people making rude, harsh, or mean comments. My motives in making and maintaining this blog are simple. Sharing what is going on in my life so that I don't explode when I bottle emotions. That is that.

Image

Look in the mirror.

What do you see?

I saw

Muddy brown eyes

Frzzy curly brown hair

Blemishes all over my face

Messed up teeth

Oily skin

An overweight frame

Look in the mirror

What do you see?

I see

Beautiful brown eye

Cute. bouncy curly brown hair

A pretty face

A lovely smile

Skin and body that God created

What is the difference?

What happened?

What changed?

The answer may surprise you

The image in the mirror

Is exactly the same

It's the person I see

That has changed

Learning to not only be loved

But to also love myself

To pour that love onto others

To be myself

To love myself

And to see myself 

The way God sees me

Made in his

Perfect image

You Are

When the nightmare began

When I was left alone in the night

When I was scared, scarred, confused

When the one I had trusted and loved

Stole the perfect, pure innocence

Chasing faith, Looking for something

bigger and better, Longing just to be

made whole again, To find who I am

To have a purpose and a plan

You were there

When all else failed, nothing left to lose

When I turned my face away

Searching high and low for answers

Finding them in all the wrong places

You were there

When my world was caving in

When I didn't know what to do

When I didn't know where to turn

When I was at the end of the line

You were there

You held me close

Your strong arms warm and open

Your face turned to me gently

Your kind voice, soothing the fears away

Your loving embrace, melting the ice around my heart

You were there

You were always there

You are still here

Through every trial 

Through every storm

In every situation

You are right here

You are

Just me and Nothing More

I'm finding out 

What being me 

Is all about

I'm finding out

What it is I wanna do

I'm finding out 

Just where all 

My passions Lie

It's falling into place now

One piece at a time

I'm finding out

Who I am

What I love

Where I belong

It's all about 

Just being me

And nothing more

Thoughts

I often wonder what the point of all this is. I mean really. I write and I write and I write and I write some more.  I play with kids and babysit and play and babysit and play. I visit friends and move around every few months, never staying in one place for very long, always on the road to somewhere new and exciting. I can't seem to figure out what all this adds up to. Or maybe I can. Maybe I can. I don't really know but I wonder if maybe this all adds up to something. A life on the road, writing and working with kids? The possibilities are endless. These are just random passing thoughts but I really just want answers. I have no clue what the future holds but I will trust and seek God and the answers will come.

Stand by Me

Stand with me, don't ever leave my side
Stand by me and hold me when i cry
I lay it all down, to you this life
I freely give

You hear my cries, you feel my pain

You know me now you love me anyway
You care for me like no one else
Always here, always here

Through the good times and the bad
When I'm on the mountain tops
When I'm in the desert, place
You are with me

Together we will go, walking hand in hand
The road may be long, it might be hard
But you are with me
You are with me

Let your name be lifted high
Let me sing your praise
Thankful for all you do
Please be gloried through me

Never alone, always loved
Protected and cared for
You are mine and i am yours
Let the whole whole world know


Here i am, at your feet
How could this ever be
A promise made, a promise kept
God, I'm so unworthy
It's by your grace i freely come
It's by your grace i find your love

New Song

The lyrics of the sond " This is the New Song We Sing" have been running through my head all morning after an especially powerful church service this morning. God spoke through a visiting preacher and this is generally what he has to say. The first bit was about finally accepting what God says about me as truth that was awesome. The second bit was about how from now on there will be life added to me and it wont be stolen away or broken down, that this will be a new season and that words of especially family will not break down tear apart or steal what God has been sowing into my life. He also said that I have a heart like Abel's from Genesis. Between the song and the words of the new speaker at church this morning I had a lot to chew on. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that but after some time talking to Beth and praying and in worship I started to piece things together. I, for months now have been searching for what comes next. For the next big steps but recently I have learned it's  the little steps, the little changes, the little milestones that build up to the big ones. That may seem completely disconnected but its not. All the little moments of the past few months are starting to add up. I am changing and growing and things are really coming together a little at a time. God is stretching me and growing me and giving me exactly what I need at just the right moment. It has been an amazing few months and I am excited for this new season. I have a feeling life is about to explode and things are going to happen that I will never forget. With a new song of peace, joy and expectation in my heart I will wait faithfully as God unravels his plans before me!

Birthday

It takes an awful lot to make this girl cry but it happened today. For weeks I have been saying that i wanted this day to be normal. Nothing special. I wanted it to be normal because for the past I don't even know how long my birthday has been a day to forget. Absolutely what you don't want a birthday to be. Today was different though. From the time I woke up to the time I shut my door for some time alone before bed the Mowerys made this day special, better than any before it. As I sit in bed tonight writing it blows my mind to think that someone I have known mere weeks could care this much. There were things going on behind the scenes I didn't say much about. I was secretly hoping all day someone I love a lot would call the number I had given them to reach me at, but it never happened. That was the only thing I can say I didn't like about this day though. From birthday wishes as soon as I woke up to chocolate brownies and peanut butter frosting to going to see my favorite monster dou ( James P Sullivan and Mike Wizowski) on the big screen this day was everything I didn't dare dream of and more. I will never know how or why God chose to place me here but I sure am thankful he did. I can't thank him enough.Words are my specialty as you have probably noticed by now but tonight I have just one for the friend that made this day so special. Thank you. I don't really know how else to put it. It's been the best birthday ever.

Moms

Moms are special people
They love on you
They care for you
They know your favorites
They know what you haTe
They know you better than anyone else
But sometimes
They don't
Sometimes they let you down
Then it takes someone rather special
To show you what a real Mom looks like
I've been blessed enough
To be adopted into an awesome family
To finally know what a Mom really is
It's an amazing thing
A Mom
Is a special person

Recently I have stayed with several families and have been blessed to get to know three amazing Moms. I feel so special and loved and blessed to get this opportunity and want to take this chance to say thankyou!

Knight in Shining Armor

He caught my attention
With sweet, sweet promises
Promises of unconditional love
Endless joy
Peace in all I do
He held my gaze
And I watched patiently
As he went to work
Healing a broken body
Mending a shattered heart
Keeping ever promise and more
Before I knew what  was happening
He had turned my world upside down
I had fallen for him
And he had fallen for me
He is faithful
He is good
He is all I had imagined hed be and more
My knight in shining armor
My God

Words

Where do my passions lay?
What is it that I am good at?
What do I love to do?
The answers are found
In the pages and pages
Where my thoughts
Where my feelings
Where my heart
Finds life
Where they flow
From pen to paper
In a seamless stream
Where words become poetry
And poetry becomes a pester
Where the things that make me me flow
When I am alone, all by myself
Just me a pen and paper
I have been asking and wondering
And the answers been here all along
Words are my weapon
Words are my defense
Words make me me
They make me who I am

Looking Past the Past

Its always been there I just didn't want to see it. The soft tender loving girly side. I had to be big and tough and strong to survive but underneath i really just wanted to be pretty and lady like. I wanted dresses and shoes and sparkles but i knew my family didn't see me that way, wasn't that way so I conformed now I'm breaking out of my shell. That loving sensitive caring girly side is coming out. It was always there even though people didn't see it and neither did I. It is slowly coming to the surface. The writer. The lady. The sensitive girl I always wished I could be is blooming like a rose and whats been hidden in the center is now coming up for the world to see. I will be a surpising change to those who once knew me but maybe I'm not such a tomboy after all. Where do i end and family begin. That's the million dollar question. What was my family saying this is you and what was really me? Learning who I am and liking the new more and more everyday.

Drifting

They say just be yourself

Be who you are

No need to be someone else

So they say

But what happens

When you don't know

Who that is

Who you are

What you like

What you dislike

Then what?

Drifting aimlessly

Looking for something

To anchor me down

Looking for who I am

Looking for home

And finding it

In the one and only

Jesus

Good

Friends like family

Trusting new people

Pushing my limits

Change

It's different

It's good

It's going to be okay

I am in the right place

At the right time

A time for learning

A time for growing

A time for healing

God is good

God is faithful

God loves me, yes me

Very, very much

Thankful for all he has done

Thankful for his love

Thankful for his grace and mercy

Thankful for him and the change he brings

It's going to be

GOOD!

Mee

I

Am a writer

It's what i do

What he wants to do with that

I do not yet know

But

I am learning to trust him

I am learning how to follow him

I don't know a lot about a lot

But I do know

He has given me hands to write

A passion I cannot ignore

He loves me and

He wants me to see myself

The way he sees me

Country Life

Cool morning air

The stillness of dawn

Gives way to

Chirping birds

Crisp country air

Filling the back porch

Cars in the distance

But right here

In front of me

Is an answer to my prayers

Life in the country

Friends like family

Fun is the sun

Quiet times in the still darkness

All is well

Blessed beyond measure

A thankful heart

Growing Pains

Day by Day

Minute by Minute 

Hour by hour

Down to the wire

I mean really

Running out of time

God where are you?

What are you doing?

How are you going to make this happen?

I trust you God

You are faithful.

You always provide.

I can see you working

I know you are up to something

Stretching and growing me

It will all be okay

Right Daddy?

The Man I Call My Dad

   I will never forget it. The first time I heard him introduce me as his daughter. I had known him all my life. He was my Mom's husband. He was the guy that bossed me around and showed up to all my events. He was always good to me but that day he became something so much more. That day he became my Dad.
   My biological father had left me the summer before. He wanted nothing to do with me. That cut deep. My Daddy was there to pick up the pieces. That was the first time I realized this guy was something special. I had grown up knowing him as my step-dad. Mark was his name. He was good to me. Treated me like he did my brother and sister and never once turned away from me. He fed me and gave me clothes and toys and books and writing supplies. He got a little upset with me at times. But I am getting sidetracked.
   It was about a year after I my biological father had deserted me. As far as I was concerned he was nothing to me and I had no dad. We were at a tractor pull that next summer and I don't know if he knows I heard this conversation or not but I did. He was talking to the president of our club and he was signing me up to become a member so that I could pull too. I was so excited that day to finally be able to "play with the big kids" and drive a tractor down the track. He walked up to Jared and I can still recall the words he had to say. " Hey Jared, I need to sign my daughter up so that she can pull today."
I just about fell off my tractor. He couldn't be talking about my little sister so it had to be. He just introduced me as his daughter. He claimed me as his own.
   Later that day I made a point to call him Dad every time I saw him or talked about him. People were confused at first but it didn't take long for word to spread. Mark Gabert was my Dad. I claimed him and he claimed me. We grew closer after that. I listened a little more intently as he worked on my tractor and he write a little more carefully when I brought him my latest poem to read. Now my Dad is not exactly a reader and he is certainly not a big fan of poetry but he always had a thoughtful comment to share when I came in and wanted him to read my latest masterpiece.
   My Dad works really hard to provide for us. I mean really hard. Six days a week he shows up to his job at the local slate quarry. He works hard after work to keep the house running and he works hard after that at our family friend's farm to put fresh meat on our table. My Daddy is a hero in my eyes. He goes above and beyond the call of duty. He is always there when I need him and although he is human and he has let me down a time or two he has always accepted me and loved me as his own.
   In case you haven't figured it out yet, I love my Daddy very much and I miss him even more when I am away. On this father's day, being 300 miles from my Daddy has been kinda difficult but know this. It changes nothing. Neither time nor distance can ever come between this little girl and her Daddy.

Daddy

My Daddy

Is a very special man

He is strong and brave

Kind and loving

My Daddy is an amazing man

My Daddy 

I don't know what to say about him

He is one of a  kind

One in a million

He is my Daddy

He was there 

when I skinned my knees

When I had a concert

When I was sad

When I was excited

He was proud of me

As I packed for college

He was disappointed

At times when 

I ignored his advice

He is my Daddy

I love him

And that is 

All that I have to say

Thank you Dad for being so amazing

For going above and beyond the call of duty

For being a Daddy to a daughter that wasn't even  your own

Come Clean

We have all heard it 

Time and time again

Whom the Son sets free

Is free indeed

Which means everyone is free

Right?

I thought so

Until I realized 

Just how messed up I was

Reading the Bible

Spending time in prayer

Morning devotionals

Conversations with friends

A theme was emerging

I was far from free

Struggling with deep rooted sin

It had me wrapped up

Trapped

And I couldn't do it on my own anymore

Whom the Son sets free

Is free indeed

On my knees

Late on summer night

I knew what needed to be done

Jesus had set me free

So why was I trapped

I wasn't

Not anymore

Come clean

Own it

Let Him take over

The truths comes and sets you free

Truth is key

Without being honest

With myself

With others 

With God

I could never be free

The hardest easy fix every

With His help

I have

Come clean

Contrast

In my weakest moments

You are strong

My strength

In the midst of wild raging storms

You are the calm

My peace

It the middle of trouble and turmoil

You are constant, unchanging

You are my rock

When I am on shaky ground

Unsure, scared, alone

You are there

Always present

One question I have for you

Why?

Why do you do all this?

Why have you come and set me free?

Why have you declared victory?

Why rebuild and restore a broken heart?

Why?

It all seems clearer now

It's all because you love me

You

Love me

How can that be?

Desire

I wrote this one a few weeks back, while I was home with my family and am just getting around to posting it. Not sure why it took me so long to get this one up but here it is :)

When the excitement fades away

When you settle into that new routine

When you get all unpacked

When life goes back to semi-normal

You slip into that comfortable way you know so well

You say this is good

New relationships built on trust

Family time and dinner round the table

Business as usual

Yet I long for more

I long for my heavenly father

To spend my days with him

He is where I want to be

He is where I find home

He is my all in all

He is mine

My one desire

To Write

There is something about writing

About taking pen to paper

About just letting thoughts flow

Letting ideas bubble and grow

It starts with just one line

But soon the page is filled

With memories 

Moments to remember

Life lessons learned

It is something special

What a writer feels 

When the need to write

Fills their heart

You can't always conrtol it

You can almost never ignore it

It's the life of a writer

A splendid blessing

A gift from God

That holds me together

Trust

How do you know

When something you want to do

Is the right thing to do?

How do you know

When you are really tuned into God?

How do you know anything?

It is that still small voice

That gut feeling

The heart wrenching desire

The calm "I got this" feeling

The peace of knowing

It is all gonna be ok

There is no one way to know for sure

 You never can say 100% for sure this is right

Not unless God tells you so

How does he do that?

Good question

I am not entirely sure

It is different every time

You just have to trust him to speak to you

It all boils down to that

Trust

Bonds

When you pray with a person

When you love on them

 When you share your story

You give them a piece of yourself

You give them a small piece of your heart to hold

They become a friend

They become a brother or  sister

You are bonded together

That is a special bond

A gift from God

You grow close

Even though you may never meet

Face to face

You may never share a meal

Or spend more than a few minutes talking

You are bonded together

It is irreplaceable

It is not something time or distance

Can build or tear down

You are just what you are

It is what it is

And you love each other

For who you are

They are not many bonds like this

Not many

They are one of a kind

And when they are severed

It cuts very

Very

Very

Deeply

Just a Word

It's what you say 

When someone holds a door

When someone offers you a meal

When someone buys your coffee

When someone hands you something you drop

Its what you say in response to a "Bless you" 

When someone does you a favor

You say it for thousands of reasons

You say it to show appreciation 

To show gratitude

But

It doesn't cover every thing

There are things that 

There are times when

There are moments in which

It just doesn't seem to be enough

When it seems like just any other word

In comparison to what was just done for you

What just happened

What was just given

The blessing that was received

There are times

When saying

Thank You

Is Just not enough

When it's just another word

A Bright New Path

Hit me like a ton of bricks 

I was sitting on the hill 

Across from Snell hall

 Playing guitar

Having a photo shoot

 This needs to be the normal

 It's amazing

I love it

  I want more of this

 Feeling like the whole world

Is not resting on my shoulders

like I can actually do 

What I want to do 

And not pay feel awful later for it

 I can eat food and not be sick after

I can sleep and work

  I can be productive 

 learn new things

 and like there's something 

Something good here after all

I can be amazing with God

I'm with God so I am amazing

Seems obvious to some

But for me this is

Stepping into

A 

Bright

New 

Path