It's Friday morning, and I am sitting in the Barrington Student Union. I Have an entire day to sit and think, and I can do any thing I want to with that time. So I had a choice to make. I could sit around and watch T.V. all day long or I could do something else productive I debated for a few minutes. Flipping back and forth between facebook and youtube on my laptop because I was just not content. I wonder what I would be doing if I were home and in the end I decide to sit and listen to some worship music and write. I wasn't sure what all to expect. The night before had been a really rough one. I was emotional and hurting from the inside out. A good friend sat up with me and prayed with me and loved on me, but something was missing. I fell asleep praying that night and woke up exhausted and longing for more of God. It hit me after sitting around for a few minutes that that is probably how I should spend my morning. I should spend my morning talking to God and listening to what he has to say in return.
I missed spending good quality time with God. I had for a while. I had made excuse after excuse for my lack of time sitting in his presence but in the end I had just dropped the ball with that. God was right there. Everywhere I went he went with me so being on the road was no excuse. Having been traveling consistently since the semester started up again I was feeling the strain of living out of my duffel bag again and I was getting angry about it, and so I stepped back a little bit not realizing this was God giving me the opportunity to reach out while I was moving around. It was an invitation to get closer not to walk away. I said oh, I don't have time for God. Really Jennifer? Really? You sit around all day filling out random job applications online and watching T.V., but you don't have any "free" time you can spend with the creator of the universe? The one who made and remakes you every day? Are you kidding? Then it was well I just am not feeling very close of connected right now... huh.... I wonder why!
I realized very quickly that this was my fault. I dropped the ball. I totally had pulled away. Things got hot, God was moving fast and in powerful ways and I got scared and I pulled away. I stopped working on our relationship so it's no wonder I wasn't feeling very close to him. A relationship requires both people involved putting in the effort to grow and be closer otherwise it breaks down and falls apart. It is quite simple really. So as I sat in the Union with worship music playing in the background I questioned myself. What can I do to make this better? What can I do to change this? The answer came from that still small voice in the back of my mind :) "Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Invest in our relationship and I will too. Work with me and I will meet you in the middle. My daughter I am here and I want to be close again, but you need to initiate this time. It's up to you to come to me. I will not force you to love and be with me. It is your choice. What do you want to do?"
