When I first came to school in September I
broke out of my shell for the very first time. I pushed myself long and hard. I
made myself into the person that I had always wanted to be. I made myself step
out of my comfort zone. I made myself into a person I no longer recognized. I
didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. I was just floating along. I went to
Intervarsity, bible studies, church, and I spent time with people I grew to
know and love as family but all the while I was doing all of this I was ripping
myself apart. My grades took a hit, relationships back home fell apart while I
was trying to be this new, better person that no one understood. The longer I
was that person the worse things got. I was being two-faces and playing a very
dangerous game for which I paid a dear price. At a Christmas party right before
the end of the semester I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be real
with someone but I was afraid and I was hurting. I knew in just a few short
weeks I would be going to Urbana but at that point I had no idea why I was even
bothering. If I couldn’t handle being at a party with my closest friends
without breaking down and freaking out I had no idea how I would ever be ok in
a room full of thousands of strangers. Turns out that is just what I needed. At
that party I cracked. I was broken in two after months of fighting to hold
myself together. God had brought me a long way at that point. He had healed
that pain from a broken past but this was new and different and I dint know
what to do with it. Finally Urbana arrived. It was there God took the time to
show me who he is, who I am, and who he wants me to be. It was there that once
again I got down on my knees to pray and I met God. There that I let him in to mess
everything up and start new again. He came into my life in a very new way that
week. He told me many very important things. I had come to Urbana scared,
worried, and stressed beyond belief. God had one thing to say about that.
“Knock it off. I am here aren’t I? Haven’t I already taken care of everything
for you to be here? Haven’t I already brought you from darkness into light?
Haven’t I forgiven you and made you new? How could you possibly think that I
wouldn’t show up and care for you? I called you to be here! I wanted you here!
I planned this very moment! Trust me daughter! I have amazing plans for your
future, they don’t match yours but mine are better. I know that is scary but
you will be amazing, just have faith in the one father that has never left you.
The one that’s always there to wipe away the tears. The daddy you cry out to in
the night. I am right here. I have it all planned out and as long as you stay
real with me and everyone around you it will be a great life for you, not
without struggles and trials but it will be worth it if you walk with me.” Yes,
I hear God like I hear a person standing next to me talking about yesterday’s
test and yes that set me straight. That was just the beginning of about an hour
of talking with God. He had a lot more to say as did I. I am not going to say
that Urbana changed my life but am going to say that once again God came in
messed everything up and made life a million times better.
