(^^^)

It started as a typical day before leaving for school. It didn't stay that way for long. With my brother being home for a funeral, our Uncle having passed away the week prior, everyone was on edge but I never saw this coming. Adam and i chilling on the couch. he wanted to do a shot of captain i agreed because we were home and it was one shot i knew id be fine with that no big deal so we each had one airplane bottle and decided to play cards. then mom came out and accused me of stealing from her backpack. i hadn't and told her so. then she accused me of being a lying drunken stealing (other things i wont repeat) deadbeat. i said mom i love you but I'm not going to take being treated like this. she said fine. get out. i put on my sneakers and went for a walk. started running for a bit on my favorite trail and got to and old tree on a corner in the trail. i back-handed the tree and that's how i busted my hand
With the list of things I cant do at the moment I am growing more and more frustrated.

1. I cant walk from the Union with lunch without spilling it
2. I cant hold a drink in my right hand without a spill proof lid
3. I cant do my own laundry
4. I cant wash my dishes
5. I cant write,paint, or play guitar

and the list goes on

Seems like a lot. It is. For someone as hard-headed as I am this is killer. I have gotten good at asking for prayer in recent history but asking people for help doing every day things, that I am not very good at. There must be something to learn from this, first of all that I need to work on controlling my temper, but what else is God going to teach me from all of this?

The Story Behind Urbana 12

You have seen the story of Urbana 12. This is the story that leads up to it!

When I first came to school in September I broke out of my shell for the very first time. I pushed myself long and hard. I made myself into the person that I had always wanted to be. I made myself step out of my comfort zone. I made myself into a person I no longer recognized. I didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. I was just floating along. I went to Intervarsity, bible studies, church, and I spent time with people I grew to know and love as family but all the while I was doing all of this I was ripping myself apart. My grades took a hit, relationships back home fell apart while I was trying to be this new, better person that no one understood. The longer I was that person the worse things got. I was being two-faces and playing a very dangerous game for which I paid a dear price. At a Christmas party right before the end of the semester I cracked. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be real with someone but I was afraid and I was hurting. I knew in just a few short weeks I would be going to Urbana but at that point I had no idea why I was even bothering. If I couldn’t handle being at a party with my closest friends without breaking down and freaking out I had no idea how I would ever be ok in a room full of thousands of strangers. Turns out that is just what I needed. At that party I cracked. I was broken in two after months of fighting to hold myself together. God had brought me a long way at that point. He had healed that pain from a broken past but this was new and different and I dint know what to do with it. Finally Urbana arrived. It was there God took the time to show me who he is, who I am, and who he wants me to be. It was there that once again I got down on my knees to pray and I met God. There that I let him in to mess everything up and start new again. He came into my life in a very new way that week. He told me many very important things. I had come to Urbana scared, worried, and stressed beyond belief. God had one thing to say about that. “Knock it off. I am here aren’t I? Haven’t I already taken care of everything for you to be here? Haven’t I already brought you from darkness into light? Haven’t I forgiven you and made you new? How could you possibly think that I wouldn’t show up and care for you? I called you to be here! I wanted you here! I planned this very moment! Trust me daughter! I have amazing plans for your future, they don’t match yours but mine are better. I know that is scary but you will be amazing, just have faith in the one father that has never left you. The one that’s always there to wipe away the tears. The daddy you cry out to in the night. I am right here. I have it all planned out and as long as you stay real with me and everyone around you it will be a great life for you, not without struggles and trials but it will be worth it if you walk with me.” Yes, I hear God like I hear a person standing next to me talking about yesterday’s test and yes that set me straight. That was just the beginning of about an hour of talking with God. He had a lot more to say as did I. I am not going to say that Urbana changed my life but am going to say that once again God came in messed everything up and made life a million times better.

Urbana

Walking into Urbana I had no clue why I was going or what I was looking for, I only knew that God wanted me there and had provided for me to be there so I was going. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. God met me, taught me about myself, taught me about himself, and taught me how he wanted to use me. It was an experience that I will never forget, one that changed me more than I could have ever imagined beforehand.

          It was a rough week for me in a lot of ways. I am not very good with crowds or cities, and that’s putting it mildly. It was a challenge but it was well worth stepping outside my comfort zone to see what God had for me throughout the week. Every day through worship, seminars, prayer and discussion with friends, new and old, I learned more and more about not only God but myself as well.

 Some of the things God told me were pretty predictable, that’s not to say I didn’t need to hear them, while others caught me completely off guard. God reminded me that I need to be real. That it is ok to not be ok and that showing my weaknesses doesn’t make me weak, it makes me stronger because it is then that people can see me relying on my amazing God for strength to get through those harder moments. This was big for me because it means changing everything I have been doing up until now but I know that this is how I should be living life, as myself!

That’s another God showed me. He showed me who I am, what I am passionate about, where I have been sinning and need to ask forgiveness, and where my life is going in the future, both near and far. I always pictured my life as a simple, non-eventful, go with the flow life. I wanted to go to college, get my degree in education, teach in a nice quiet school district, and enjoy life as best I could. God however, had other plans. He had given me a heart that breaks over the tragedies of abuse and human trafficking, especially child trafficking and he wants me to use my passion to teach to help these children. He is calling me to long term mission after college, to help save these kids and give them hope, show them love and give them an education so they have options and don’t have to go back into the trafficking industry. I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet but I am excited to find out.

Finally God showed me a lot about who he is. How big, amazing, powerful, loving, and all-encompassing he is. How much he loves me, how big hid plans are and really what he is all about. I could type for days about all I learned in seminar, worship and prayer but these are the highlights. These are the things that shaped and changed me. These are the things I will never forget. These are the things that made Urbana 12 worth every second of fear, anxiety, stress and exhaustion. The great things God did while I was in St. Louis are too big for words in many ways but there you have it. Urbana 12 in a nutshell.

You Don't Know My Story

You don’t know the things that I’ve come through
You cannot imagine
The pain, the trials I’ve had to endure
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the day he set me free
You cannot imagine
The strongholds and the walls that severed me
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
Deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story
You don’t know my story
The anguish and the guilt that consumed me
Grateful I can tell it
For no more shall the shackles condemn me
You don’t know my story
For if you did you would lift up your hands
So just let me tell you and faith you may as well break out and dance
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
And deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story
Through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb
Delivered I am, now I have a testimony…Favor’s upon me
Grace and mercy, love and peace abound
Oh in you I’ve found a God that will not ever leave me
He won’t forsake me
You don’t know…my story
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh, how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Can’t imagine
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
From Life and Favor
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/life-and-favor-you-dont-know-my-story-lyrics-john-p-kee.html#eJVTtc74z8KGIz8M.99




This song is true for every set of eyes that will read this. No one knows my story front to back and that is something I want to change because the testimony God gave me is incredible and it has the potential to do some incredible things. Gods been showing me more and more in recent history just how much potential I have to help people. Do me a favor. Take a second to ask questions. To get to know me and see just how amazing our God is. Then give me the chance to return that favor and tell me your story. I bet its even more amazing than mine :)

Victory

I have fought this fight

I have been battling far to long

I have seen all I know and love fade away

Friends turned their backs on me

Family pushed me away

An outcast in my own home

A stranger to all those I once loved

I have faced many demons

I have seen many tragedies trials and hurts

I have faced addiction

I struggled through alcoholism

I have been used and abused by people I once trusted

People I trusted with my life

Disappointment and failure a daily reality

Until the day it all changed

Until the day that voice rang clear

 "I carried you through the each and every struggle

You have given your life to me, All of your life

I will gladly take every struggle trial and fight

 You have been set free!

Don't you see?

You were never alone!

This you have heard before

I have told you before

I bear your burdens

They are mine not yours

You won those battles not by your power but by mine

Each time you lifted your voice

Each prayer prayed, every single one

Each time you looked for my hand I was there

When you stumbled and fell

When you were weak and unsure

When you turned away

When you were unlovable

I was there

You will struggle from time to time

It is a part of this life

But you are never alone

You will never be alone

I am with you and you are mine"



The Night Before Hunting Season

I apologize ahead of time to anyone who doesn't approve of hunting!

 

'Twas the night before hunting season and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even the dogs

The rifles were hung in the gun racks with care

In hopes of big bucks soon would be near

 

The hunters were nestled all snug in their in their beds

while visions of tree-bark danced in their heads

Dad in his flannel and I in my sweats

had just settled down for our last good nights rest

 

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

we sprang from our beds to see what the matter

down the stairs we ran, a flash and a dash

to the front yard to inspect the very loud crash

 

the moon on the breast of a new fallen snow

gave light to the tracks that all hunters must know

when what to our wondering eyes should appear

hoof-prints in the snow the fluffy tail of a deer

 

with a silent look to his side my dad gives a look

to the house I run, a rifle a took

fast as my feet would carry

from my mission I would not terry

 

as dry leaves before a hurricane fly

when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky

so through the house I ran

till a gun was placed in my dads hand

 

then with a start a heard that sound ring

the clock chimes twelve, time for the hunting to begin

through the woods we tracked all the night long

till the break of day and the morning birds song

 

our eyes twinkled the light on the snow

our cheeks like cherries and noses like a rose

after the exchange of one glance

we both began to dance

 

he spoke not a word but went straight to his work like a jolly old elf

I laughed at my dad in spite of myself

with the wink of his eye and swift knife-work he claimed

"Happy Hunting Season to All and to all Good Game!"



Blessings and Apologies

I have made so many incredible friends since I have come to school and in many ways I have grown and changed. especially since Expedition but I also realized that there are some things that need to be taken care of and here and now is the way I plan on doing that. Publicly so that nothing is hidden. I have grown very close to an awesome God. I have been thinking about all hes brought me through and this is what I have to say now looking back. I am just not right without him and I know that. he defines me. I cant picture me without him and I know I have sooo much to learn, I want someone to teach me all of that, someone to disciple me in that way, but I know I'm headed in the right direction. On the other hand none of this can go anywhere further until I truly finish what God started working on first two years ago and then again at Expedition.

To all those at Granville Assembly of God: I am truly sorry for the hurtful words and actions of the past. I know that I was in the wrong and although it was what, three years ago now I feel the need to apologize and ask forgiveness. It was a different time and a different place now. Please know that I am not the same person I used to be. So much has changed and the closer I come to God the more I see just how hurtful and really hateful what I did was. I am very Sorry...

To those at IVCF: Yes as much as God had changed me before I got here he has changed me a 1000 times more since being around you all. All that I have faced since being here has been legit, It has not been fun or easy but my past is not what you think. Yes i struggled with addiction after years of abuse but you don't have the whole story. I was also addicted to lying and that was far more serious than any other problem I had. Know what you know about me is true but I feel wrong by not giving you the whole story and by not being real about the extent to which different things played a role in me getting to where I am.

To those at Adirondack Experience and those I know mostly from my sophomore and junior years of highschool: Well you really don't know me at all. Pretty much all you know about me is untrue. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me but I also understand I seriously broke your trust and that what I said and what I have done warrants you never speaking to me again. My biggest fear has been that by apologizing to you I would end anything we have left and I didn't want to do that. At this point honesty is more important than that and you all deserve to know the truth and should you by some shred of grace still want to know the real me you will see just how different I am than the person that I created way back when.

I am soo sorry to all of you. All of you have something to be angry about. Some more than others but this is my way of saying openly and publicly so that nothing can be disputed that I am truly sorry for all my ways of the past. The hurtful sinful ways of the past.  I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive, start new and move on. I know some of you already have but to those who have not, know this isn't easy and that I really am sorry for hurting you all like I have.