Nomad

Time and time again I have faced the same dilemma. It is time to pack up to leave where I am staying. Where am I going? That is a very good question. I often times don't know where I am going until the very last second. I don't know how God works these thing out in my life. I have bounced around so much lately. It is kind of crazy really. I have stayed all over the place and that will continue in the days, weeks, and months to come. It is a little scary, to have to just trust and wait on God to work thing out. Knowing all you can do is talk, pray and spread the word that you are standing in need. But God is faithful and he never leaves my side and I completely trust that he is working on something. What living like a nomad could possibly be preparing me for I have absolutely no idea but I am excited to see where this crazy road takes me. At a recent InterVarsity meeting the worship was amazing and it hit me hard because it was an attitude check for me. We all know the songs that played. But the ones that really hit me were 10,000 reasons and Blessed be Your Name. It was a reminded that God is good and that I should be praising him nomatter what the circumstances. I will leave you with this for the day. Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, He loves us more than anything. He provides what we need, gives us the desires of our hearts and he is always with us. So sing like you never have before, love our  God with all your heart and see his goodness in your life despite what things may look like on the surface.

A Pep Talk for Myself

Sitting on a friend's couch last night I began to question the plans for the week. As one thing after another went haywire and I really was just feeling unsure and insecure. I sat down and read my bible and after an hour long bible time (which was amazing) I started talking to myself and it was so encouraging I thought I would share my thoughts, and yes I literally gave myself a pep talk out loud, talked to myself and it was good stuffs. I told myself " Hey, you have got to stop worrying so much. It's going to be ok. You have had an amazing week, you have been incredibly blessed and it will continue on that way. Nothing is changing. God is going to work out all the details and it is going to be amazing.  He is going to put you exactly where you need to be when you need to be there. He loves you by the way, a very lot and any Daddy that loves his daughter would never let her do without. Think about he, he has never left you stranded before now has he? Sometimes it has been crazy and rather last minute but it has always worked out and now is no different." Now as I sit here and think about me telling myself all this out loud while sitting alone in my friends house I am thinking I may be going insane but hey it worked for me so who cares? I was so blessed last night and this morning by staying with Elise and by the time I had there and with her friend, the craziness was well worth it. There you have it friends. A pep talk for myself. As strange as that seems!

Genorsoity

The pure generosity of my friends amazes me. I love them all so much. They open up their houses to me when I need a place to crash for a bit. They are always there to lend a listening ear, to hold me closely when I come in at the weirdest hours of the day upset and needing a hug, they feed me (although sometimes that can be an adventure all on it's own if at Clarkson), they pray with and for me and they are just all around amazing. I was reflecting on the giving nature of my friends this morning for various reasons and I have to thank God in the end because it seems that whenever there is some need in my life he puts  a friend in my path to meet that need. Weather it be a little bit of money to get through the week, a hug on a rough day, a place to sleep when I am in town and need a bed (or couch or floor) to sleep in, or just to be a friend and laugh when in need of a good laugh there is always someone there to walk beside. This I think is the way a true friend acts. Out of love they are there for me and I only hope that I can be half of the friend that my friends have been to me in this past year. It is hard to believe looking back at the past year all my friends have done. They have given me rides home when it seemed impossible to visit my family. They pooled money to get me bus tickets on several occasions, once for Urbana, one to go home and on one other occasion as well. One good friend drove an hour out of her way to pick me up and let me stay at her house the night before a big conference, another drove two hours to pick me up when I was stranded and had no way home and no money left to catch a bus. One friend offered me money just to get through the week when all seemed hopeless and there were bills to pay and on countless occasions friends have dropped everything to come and pray with me in my time of need. They feed me constantly, which I am more than grateful for and in the end I have drawn this one conclusion. My friends are gifts from God. How else could I possibly have fallen into so many amazing friendships? How else could I possibly be so blessed by the people I have grown to know and love so much? How else could I have possibly found home in a strange place hundreds of miles from where I grew up? It was the generosity and love of some amazing people that made it happen and I thank God and them daily for it.

Return of the Students

It has been a long summer. Very long. I made some new friends but I missed all of my old friends, the  tried and true, I will always be there for you, good old friends. It was getting a bit lonely without them all here but this weekend my prayers were answered as my friends all made their way back to Potsdam. It felt so good to hold them in my arms today as I met with them one by one throughout the day. The reunion will continue tomorrow morning but for tonight I have this much to say. Our God is good. He is faithful and he knows what we need and when we need it. I have an extremely positive lead on a job that I will absolutely love. I have seen most of my good friends and I have met with God on a very personal level this evening. As the students return for another year of hard work I am thankful, even more so than I was this past spring, for all the amazing friend God has gifted me with. It seems to me that I am only at my best when worshiping surrounded by the presence of God and my closest friends. As much as I have grown and seen amazing this happen this summer tonight was icing on the cake. It was the answer to my prayers and it was the reunion of a lifetime as I stood at the doors of New Hope Community Church as was bathed in love and excitement and some of the best hugs I have received in a very, very long time. I count myself extremely blessed to know these people and to be able to be loved and to love on them and to just be a part of this big family.

Today

I haven't been writing as much as I usually do the past few weeks. I am not really sure why that is. Maybe life has just had me busy maybe not but this much I do know. My heart is full and it's time to let the thoughts and feeling flow onto the screen once again. Not much has changed lately to be honest. Still looking for a job and spending as much time as I can learning and growing but something deep inside has been bubbling. I can't put my finger on it but the days seems to be passing more slowly, my heart is not as joyful as it usually is and life just seems off. Thoughts of family and friends fill my days. Counting down the days until my friends return to the north country and wondering what God has in store for this coming year. I guess I feel a bit confused right now, and hungry. Very hungry for what God's word says, and what God has to say to me personally. Things have been so different lately. Not in a good way or a bad way really just different. I need to take time to clear my head I guess. So much has happened this summer. I guess as the music plays tonight, as I read a book, as I pray and cry a bit, and let my hear spill out I find myself wondering why I am here, what I am doing and when things will change yet again. These are just the ramblings of an uneasy heart on a late Thursday night but there is much to pray about right now. I have so many questions floating around, so many thing I need to do. My mind is so full and my heart is heavy but I don't know why. I wonder what God is trying to tell me but I can't quite hear him right now. Which takes me back to I need to clear my head and work through some stuff. Realizing there is more healing to be done and that I am not a strong, or as ok as I thought I was when it comes to the past. I have started sharing more about life before I came to Potsdam and it has been hard and it has brought up a lot for me. So yeah. That's what's been going on today. I need to write more I suppose and certainly need to pray more.

Loud and Proud

There is a song on my heart

One I just cannot shake

It plays over and over

The melody a constant presence

The anthem of my heart

It goes a little something like this

I will sing, I will dance

I will sing  my praises to the Kind

I will stand Loud and Proud

Not ashamed I hold my ground

I will dance in the streets

I will run through the grass

I will hold my head up high

And Give you the glory

You alone are worthy

Its impossible to ignore

Behind closed doors

In the safety of my room

I break out of my shell

I dance

I sing

I praise

I worship

Loud and Proud

Still

It is in the quietest moments

When I am still

When the world is hushed

When it is just you and I

When the music fades out

When I stop speaking

When I start listening

It is when I am still

That faith can blossom

When you can show up and move mightily

When you show me

When you love me

When you teach me

When you grow me

Out of the stillness

Comes great Awakening

What It Takes

I have been here with the Mowery family for a while now and people are wondering how I feel about being here and they keep asking how I can live like this so hopefully in one post I can answer that. Hopefully.

As for how I feel about being here I have a ton of mixed emotions. I love this family. I love being here but I also get homesick and I miss my friends some days and there are days when I really just want that job and car and apartment so I can be on my own. It's a mixed basket right now. I always fear taking advantage of the amazing gift they are giving me but I also fear that they will think I don't enjoy it here. There are many things I could ramble about that answer that first bit but I hope that helps some!

As for what it takes for me to be able to do this, that is a simpler but longer list.
It takes faith first and foremost. Faith that this is where God has called me to be in this season and faith to live with a family that isn't my own, that I don't know and that I have so much to learn from.
It takes patience to do that learning. To learn where I fit in, what is expected, what is unacceptable, what works well and the daily ins and outs. It's a learning curve like no other.
It takes trusting God and this family to know that I am safe here, secure and that I am well provided for (which I am so don't worry!!)
It takes diligence! In order for this to work I have to be diligent in both serving where I can and receiving when needed but even more importantly it takes diligence to stay close to God while walking through so many unknowns and personal storms and to really let him be God and lead the way.

That is what comes to mind. I hope that explains a little of where I am right now and what I am thinking.

Impact Zone

It was just an average, ordinary day. Nothing exciting was happening. Had no plans, no to do list, nothing on the agenda when on four hours notice I decided to take a two day road trip. Didn't know why but knew I should go. Somehow I ended up visiting my family. That is where the inspiration for this next post came from.

Walk in the door
The house goes silent
For only a moment in time
Then chaos ensues
The "How are yous"
The "what's new`s"
They never get old
This spur of the moment trip
A special surprise for the little ones
But best of all
The shrill shrieking
Of a nine year old girl and three year old boy
Double trouble I call them
Little feet hit the ground running
And then the impact moment
Ninety pounds of kid
Colliding with my exhausted body
The smell of freshly washed hair
The sweet scent of "Johnson and Johnson" lotion
The warm embrace of two children
I love them more than life
It's the impact zone that melts my heart in an instant
It's just like old times
It's a memory made
It's family

Outreach

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy. There has been a lot of hype, even thought about taking my blog down at one point. There was some person stuff going on and I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to do about it so I stopped. I talked to friends and I prayed. It wasn't long before God had answered. I asked him to show me what to do about my blog, asked him to show me weather it was worth continuing to write or if I should give up completely. It took exactly a week for the love and blessing to start pouring in. It was mostly from friends, encouraging me to keep writing, telling me that my story was one worth telling but there was one email, from a girl I had never met that really hit me hard. So just when I am ready to quit blogging all together, to shut it down and not look back I get an email from a 16 year old girl. She used to cut, she had been abused, she was struggling. She was looking for a friends web page and stumbled upon my blog by mistake. She read every post on my blog. All 95 of them and decided if God that if could help me then he could help her. She gave her life to Christ after reading my blog. This blows my mind. I never guessed in a million years I would have that kind of impact on someone I have never even met. That was my answer. That was what turned the tides for me. I started thinking not about the criticism and the mean, mocking comments but about the difference I was making. Someone somewhere is reading this blog. They are reading my words and seeds are being planted, encouragement is being sent out and my story is being shared and I may not know now what kind of impact that has but at the same time I don't need to know. It is enough to know that good things are happening, weather I can see that or not. In the end it was a reminder from God of the gift he has given me to write, love and reach out to those who are walking where I have walked.