Daydreams

A soft word

A kind remark

A gentle touch

A kiss on the cheek

Strong arms holding me close

A leader

Someone to chase the monsters away

Daydreams

That's all these are

Daydreams, a wish list

Dreams of the man I will someday marry

I hope he finds me soon

Give Up

It is hard to explain

Why I love her so much

Why I want her approval

Why she is the only person

In this world

That I can't stand to disappoint

I know what she has done

But I also know that

I love her

I have forgiven her

For the past

And I want her to love me

I want her to be proud of me

I want her to want me

But I guess all that is over now

Maybe I should just

Give Up

The Nations

For seven months

The desire to serve

The desire to go

The desire to follow God

To the ends of the earth

To the cities

To the country 

Wherever he would lead

Has been bubbling

Has been growing

It is clear now

This is what it

This is what my life is about

To go

To serve

To bring his word

To bring his love

To bring his heart

Everywhere I go

I have a heart for missions

Yes, I said it

I have a heart to go

To reach out

To lend a hand

To serve

To love to obey

The people of Nicaragua

Have stolen my heart

I will go

To the nations

Flowers

Today church was amazing as usual. I feel like I was definitely supposed to hear the message this morning. It was FANTASTIC! But after the great sermon something special happened. I got to go up for prayer and it was amazing. I have been struggling with some stuff this past week and I wasn't sure exactly what to expect but God spoke. As I was praying with three people from my church God showed up big time. He gave the guy to my left a vision. At first he asked me a question. "Every feel like your life is really crazy and hectic?" UHHHHH YEAH!!! Just about every day! Then he told me what God had showed him. I was running through a field. Really running, in a hurry to get to the other side. And there stood God. He stopped me in my tracks, sat me down and started putting flower in my hair. He told me to slow down. Enjoy my present circumstances, take time to relax, be with him and really, truly enjoy where he has put me. To trust him in everything and to love him in all I do. He also told me to honor him in the seemingly mundane everyday things I do. That word had being given earlier in the service but it was given to me again. The message was clear. SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM DOING. To worship him in all things and to honor him in all that I do. WOW!!! God has never told me to slow down before. I am not sure what all that means yet but I plan on taking some time to "Stop and smell the flowers". Thank You God for ultimately giving me permission to stop take a deep breathe and unwind before going on.

739

739. Yep. I have read that many reasons to recover and these stick out the most.

Because I would rather BLEED INK  than BLOOD
So my little sister doesn't think she needs battle scars of her own to match mine
So my little sister has someone to look up to
Because I am not damaged goods
Because I am worth it
To sleep at night
 These are the ones that stuck out to me. If you have a reason comment on my post. I will take all the encouragement I can get! <3

Be Real

So I have been thinking a lot lately

About me

About my story

About who I am

About where I came from

It's time to be real

It's time to let the world know

You may know already

You may have put the pieces together

Maybe not

There are good times and there are bad

There a days when I am fine

Sometimes I am not

The days when 

Life is good

When life is easy

When all is going well

When I am feeling blessed

That is when I am fine

The days when

It is harder

When I get homesick

When I miss my family

When I have a bad dream

When I don't know what comes next

When I am feeling lost

When I feel alone

Those days i am not fine

You see we all have a dirty little secret

We all have a story to tell

Sometimes I allude to it

Sometimes I own it

Tonight I own it

I am going to be real

Yes

I am an abuse survivor

Yes

I have struggled

Yes 

I get depressed sometimes

Yes

I used to cut

Yes, sometimes I still do

Yes

This is my story

And yes

It has a happy ending

For every time I have fallen

There has been a friend to pick me up

For every time I am broken

Every time I am hurting

Every time I am lost

For every time I am excited

For every time I am happy

For every time I am feeling blessed

And even when I am not

There is always someone

A person, a friend, My God

That comes along

Dusts me off

Dries the tears

And tells me It's ok

To be real

Someone told me recently that they didn't know my story but that they wanted to help me be all that I could be anyway. Those weren't the persons exact words but that is how I felt after the conversation. That stuck with me. I wonder how many people I have shared my story with and I honestly don't know but I wonder how much of an impact I could have if I opened up a bit more.

A Story to Tell

We all have a story to tell

Each and every one of us

Special and Unique

Designed with a purpose

 Recently a lot of past hurts have been brought up. A lot has been said, talked about and thought about and you know I have learned something about myself through it all. I have traveled a long road to get this far (literally and metaphorically) and I am not done yet. I still have flaws and weaknesses. I still have sore spots and places where I need God's healing touch. There are a lot of things I have been open about with friends and family but there are also a lot of things I only talk about when directly asked. I think we all have those things and those sore spots. I think, if we think about it each and every one of us has something they are not proud of, something they would change or undo given the chance. Something that you would never guess, something well hidden. Recently I have felt challenged to open up about a lot of these things in my life and I don't know when or how that will happen but given the chance I will freely share. I have posted a lot about life and lessons on my blog, and someone must be getting blessed by my words or I would not have this many pageviews but even I have secret things, hidden deep down where nobody can see them unless I want them to. Those are the things God is pushing me to share. It's a long list believe it or not. A list that is scary for some people. The list of things I have struggled with runs deep and ranges from self-hate and self-injury (yes I said it) to confidence and trust issues. I have been hurt a lot in my life. I have moved from place to place living like a nomad for a long time now. I have learned a lot the hard way and I have been blessed in a lot of ways but in the end I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have a story to tell, some longer than others and that should you want to know mine all you have to do is ask. It's not about attention or fame. It is just me, sharing my heart and wanting to bless other with a story of challenges, faith and God's love for me.

Settle In

Here I am

It has been a good year

But a long one

So much moving around

Lake George, Granville, Potsdam, Madrid, Philadelphia

Every few weeks

Somewhere new

Every few weeks a new family

New house

New life

But finally

The

Boxes unpacked

Pictured going up

Bed is made

Job applications going in

New library card

A place to call home

At least for a while

A thankful heart

It's finally over

Take a deep breathe

Let it out

A sigh of relief

As I 

Settle in

Motive

For over a year now this blog has been an outlet for me. A place where I am safe to express my deepest thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs and all that is on my heart. It has been a true safe haven for me. It has been a place where everything I bottle up, hide deep in my heart and hold close can explode onto the screen. I hope on some level it has been a blessing as my testimony, my life has made it's way into print but more or less it has been a place for me to spew thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, joys and concerns and so much more. It has been a long road. A really long road. Recently someone accused me of posting for the attention. Let me set this straight. This blog started as me just being me and nothing more and that is what it will continue to be. 88 posts and almost 1,700 pageviews later nothing about this blog has changed. I have changes, I have grown up, matured, learned, and been healed in a lot of ways but I will tell you right now this blog is just where I post about life. If you have a problem with that don't come back but otherwise let's please just enjoy on of the gifts God has given me. I see writing as a gift from God, most of what I write comes directly from him or something he has done and I will not tolerate people making rude, harsh, or mean comments. My motives in making and maintaining this blog are simple. Sharing what is going on in my life so that I don't explode when I bottle emotions. That is that.

Image

Look in the mirror.

What do you see?

I saw

Muddy brown eyes

Frzzy curly brown hair

Blemishes all over my face

Messed up teeth

Oily skin

An overweight frame

Look in the mirror

What do you see?

I see

Beautiful brown eye

Cute. bouncy curly brown hair

A pretty face

A lovely smile

Skin and body that God created

What is the difference?

What happened?

What changed?

The answer may surprise you

The image in the mirror

Is exactly the same

It's the person I see

That has changed

Learning to not only be loved

But to also love myself

To pour that love onto others

To be myself

To love myself

And to see myself 

The way God sees me

Made in his

Perfect image

You Are

When the nightmare began

When I was left alone in the night

When I was scared, scarred, confused

When the one I had trusted and loved

Stole the perfect, pure innocence

Chasing faith, Looking for something

bigger and better, Longing just to be

made whole again, To find who I am

To have a purpose and a plan

You were there

When all else failed, nothing left to lose

When I turned my face away

Searching high and low for answers

Finding them in all the wrong places

You were there

When my world was caving in

When I didn't know what to do

When I didn't know where to turn

When I was at the end of the line

You were there

You held me close

Your strong arms warm and open

Your face turned to me gently

Your kind voice, soothing the fears away

Your loving embrace, melting the ice around my heart

You were there

You were always there

You are still here

Through every trial 

Through every storm

In every situation

You are right here

You are

Just me and Nothing More

I'm finding out 

What being me 

Is all about

I'm finding out

What it is I wanna do

I'm finding out 

Just where all 

My passions Lie

It's falling into place now

One piece at a time

I'm finding out

Who I am

What I love

Where I belong

It's all about 

Just being me

And nothing more

Thoughts

I often wonder what the point of all this is. I mean really. I write and I write and I write and I write some more.  I play with kids and babysit and play and babysit and play. I visit friends and move around every few months, never staying in one place for very long, always on the road to somewhere new and exciting. I can't seem to figure out what all this adds up to. Or maybe I can. Maybe I can. I don't really know but I wonder if maybe this all adds up to something. A life on the road, writing and working with kids? The possibilities are endless. These are just random passing thoughts but I really just want answers. I have no clue what the future holds but I will trust and seek God and the answers will come.

Stand by Me

Stand with me, don't ever leave my side
Stand by me and hold me when i cry
I lay it all down, to you this life
I freely give

You hear my cries, you feel my pain

You know me now you love me anyway
You care for me like no one else
Always here, always here

Through the good times and the bad
When I'm on the mountain tops
When I'm in the desert, place
You are with me

Together we will go, walking hand in hand
The road may be long, it might be hard
But you are with me
You are with me

Let your name be lifted high
Let me sing your praise
Thankful for all you do
Please be gloried through me

Never alone, always loved
Protected and cared for
You are mine and i am yours
Let the whole whole world know


Here i am, at your feet
How could this ever be
A promise made, a promise kept
God, I'm so unworthy
It's by your grace i freely come
It's by your grace i find your love

New Song

The lyrics of the sond " This is the New Song We Sing" have been running through my head all morning after an especially powerful church service this morning. God spoke through a visiting preacher and this is generally what he has to say. The first bit was about finally accepting what God says about me as truth that was awesome. The second bit was about how from now on there will be life added to me and it wont be stolen away or broken down, that this will be a new season and that words of especially family will not break down tear apart or steal what God has been sowing into my life. He also said that I have a heart like Abel's from Genesis. Between the song and the words of the new speaker at church this morning I had a lot to chew on. I wasn't sure what to make of all of that but after some time talking to Beth and praying and in worship I started to piece things together. I, for months now have been searching for what comes next. For the next big steps but recently I have learned it's  the little steps, the little changes, the little milestones that build up to the big ones. That may seem completely disconnected but its not. All the little moments of the past few months are starting to add up. I am changing and growing and things are really coming together a little at a time. God is stretching me and growing me and giving me exactly what I need at just the right moment. It has been an amazing few months and I am excited for this new season. I have a feeling life is about to explode and things are going to happen that I will never forget. With a new song of peace, joy and expectation in my heart I will wait faithfully as God unravels his plans before me!

Birthday

It takes an awful lot to make this girl cry but it happened today. For weeks I have been saying that i wanted this day to be normal. Nothing special. I wanted it to be normal because for the past I don't even know how long my birthday has been a day to forget. Absolutely what you don't want a birthday to be. Today was different though. From the time I woke up to the time I shut my door for some time alone before bed the Mowerys made this day special, better than any before it. As I sit in bed tonight writing it blows my mind to think that someone I have known mere weeks could care this much. There were things going on behind the scenes I didn't say much about. I was secretly hoping all day someone I love a lot would call the number I had given them to reach me at, but it never happened. That was the only thing I can say I didn't like about this day though. From birthday wishes as soon as I woke up to chocolate brownies and peanut butter frosting to going to see my favorite monster dou ( James P Sullivan and Mike Wizowski) on the big screen this day was everything I didn't dare dream of and more. I will never know how or why God chose to place me here but I sure am thankful he did. I can't thank him enough.Words are my specialty as you have probably noticed by now but tonight I have just one for the friend that made this day so special. Thank you. I don't really know how else to put it. It's been the best birthday ever.

Moms

Moms are special people
They love on you
They care for you
They know your favorites
They know what you haTe
They know you better than anyone else
But sometimes
They don't
Sometimes they let you down
Then it takes someone rather special
To show you what a real Mom looks like
I've been blessed enough
To be adopted into an awesome family
To finally know what a Mom really is
It's an amazing thing
A Mom
Is a special person

Recently I have stayed with several families and have been blessed to get to know three amazing Moms. I feel so special and loved and blessed to get this opportunity and want to take this chance to say thankyou!

Knight in Shining Armor

He caught my attention
With sweet, sweet promises
Promises of unconditional love
Endless joy
Peace in all I do
He held my gaze
And I watched patiently
As he went to work
Healing a broken body
Mending a shattered heart
Keeping ever promise and more
Before I knew what  was happening
He had turned my world upside down
I had fallen for him
And he had fallen for me
He is faithful
He is good
He is all I had imagined hed be and more
My knight in shining armor
My God

Words

Where do my passions lay?
What is it that I am good at?
What do I love to do?
The answers are found
In the pages and pages
Where my thoughts
Where my feelings
Where my heart
Finds life
Where they flow
From pen to paper
In a seamless stream
Where words become poetry
And poetry becomes a pester
Where the things that make me me flow
When I am alone, all by myself
Just me a pen and paper
I have been asking and wondering
And the answers been here all along
Words are my weapon
Words are my defense
Words make me me
They make me who I am

Looking Past the Past

Its always been there I just didn't want to see it. The soft tender loving girly side. I had to be big and tough and strong to survive but underneath i really just wanted to be pretty and lady like. I wanted dresses and shoes and sparkles but i knew my family didn't see me that way, wasn't that way so I conformed now I'm breaking out of my shell. That loving sensitive caring girly side is coming out. It was always there even though people didn't see it and neither did I. It is slowly coming to the surface. The writer. The lady. The sensitive girl I always wished I could be is blooming like a rose and whats been hidden in the center is now coming up for the world to see. I will be a surpising change to those who once knew me but maybe I'm not such a tomboy after all. Where do i end and family begin. That's the million dollar question. What was my family saying this is you and what was really me? Learning who I am and liking the new more and more everyday.