Who I Am

“What You Don’t Know”


When asked to describe me most of my friends rattle of answers pretty quickly. “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” the list goes on for what may seem like forever. However I feel like this can be very misleading. I may seem like these things are a part of my character but in reality this is not the complete picture.


I have been known as a fighter for a long time now. A person who stands up for what she believes in and who never backs down. What most people don’t know is that although I appear to be a solid backwoods girl, I too am fighting my own demons. Life is not perfect for me and for a time I didn’t know if I would wake up to see a new tomorrow.


I can remember the summer before sixth grade as if it were yesterday. That summer shaped my life in ways no one, not even me could imagine. That is when the world found out what was happening behind closed doors and why I was that kid in the back of the room who never said anything. I was spending the night at my cousins’ in mid- august. It was getting late and we were taking turns in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Her mom walked in while I was changing and from there the rest is history. The cops were called and photos were taken and my whole world came crashing down. The truth was out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The scars told the tale I didn’t want to tell.


You can't hide them. they cover my hips and I had to explain. I had to explain how they got there, why I hated myself enough to put them there and what had happened. It started when I was three. It was just him at first, then he started selling me to his friends. It was awful. I hated myself for what they had done to me and to cope I took it out on myself, with a razor blade. But I had been caught that night and my hard shell finally broke. It was time for someone to know. It was time for the abuse to stop. It was time to get help and get better and I was determined to do so after that night.

These words describe me well: “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” but I have to add a few more to the list for it to be complete. “She’s a survivor; she faces a demon every time she closes her eyes. She fights through PTSD every single day and the nightmares that keep her up at night are enough to drive anyone to drink. She knows what she wants. She stands up for what she believes, she has faith in the knowledge that God put her here for a reason and she prays that someday he’ll make it all ok. Most of all she is an actress for she hides the pain well but she never, ever lets that define who she is.” My best and closest friend describes me like that.


Now you know what most don’t know. Use the knowledge well. Don’t let it change how you view me. I am who I am and that is all I ever want to be.