hurt

I dont know what is worse. the fact that she hasn't called once to see how i am or the fact that she never invited me to my brothers birthday or that she couldn't be bothered to call for a family event or maybe its knowing that its been almost a month and the only time she wants to talk is if she needs something. i cant play her games anymore. i need my mom. i need the mom i should have standing beside me right now. not the mom i see at the moment. i dont know wether im more angry or hurt but i know i feel both and i also know i have an amazing friend sitting beside me helping me through all this. what would i do without god and my bestie? its to scary to think about!

Dove

          Recently I began spending much more time with my closest friend Erica. We were discussing the final throughout the week openly thinking about what we were going to do for the essays, how we would grade the school, animals we reminded each other of, topics for the persuasive essay, things we just wanted ideas about. While we were talking about the question what animal we think of ourselves resembling I was stumped.  I couldn’t think of anything that resembled my character but Erica could. She said I remind her of a dove and upon further thought I found that I do indeed resemble the dove in a few ways.

            As I did research I came across many interesting similarities. For instance the dove is seen as warm, charismatic and supportive. I do the best I can to resemble these traits being there for my friends to lean on no matter what they are facing at the moment. The dove also symbolizes kindness, humility, compassion, and self-control along with many other strong and positive personality traits. All of these traits are things I look for not only in me but also in my friends and the people I spend my time with. Another thing the dove resembles to many people is the bible and the word of God. For me that is the most important trait of the dove. The dove is seen as purity and innocence as well as the Holy Spirit. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a passion for seeking God and finding him when all else has been lost.

            It caught me off guard at first. My friend saying I remind her of a dove. But as I researched the dove and its traits and characteristics I realized that in many ways I am similar to the dove. I am honored that someone who loves me and cares for me as much as Erica does sees me as someone that resembles one of the greatest birds in not only the  bible but also in the world. It’s a tall order to fill but as long as I remind her of a dove I will know that I am heading in the right direction. After all it was a dove that Noah sent out on the ark after the rains had stopped. It was the dove that brought back the olive branch, the first sign of new life. I see myself as a constantly changing young woman and new live means change so it seems very fitting that I should resemble the dove.

Who I Am

“What You Don’t Know”


When asked to describe me most of my friends rattle of answers pretty quickly. “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” the list goes on for what may seem like forever. However I feel like this can be very misleading. I may seem like these things are a part of my character but in reality this is not the complete picture.


I have been known as a fighter for a long time now. A person who stands up for what she believes in and who never backs down. What most people don’t know is that although I appear to be a solid backwoods girl, I too am fighting my own demons. Life is not perfect for me and for a time I didn’t know if I would wake up to see a new tomorrow.


I can remember the summer before sixth grade as if it were yesterday. That summer shaped my life in ways no one, not even me could imagine. That is when the world found out what was happening behind closed doors and why I was that kid in the back of the room who never said anything. I was spending the night at my cousins’ in mid- august. It was getting late and we were taking turns in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Her mom walked in while I was changing and from there the rest is history. The cops were called and photos were taken and my whole world came crashing down. The truth was out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The scars told the tale I didn’t want to tell.


You can't hide them. they cover my hips and I had to explain. I had to explain how they got there, why I hated myself enough to put them there and what had happened. It started when I was three. It was just him at first, then he started selling me to his friends. It was awful. I hated myself for what they had done to me and to cope I took it out on myself, with a razor blade. But I had been caught that night and my hard shell finally broke. It was time for someone to know. It was time for the abuse to stop. It was time to get help and get better and I was determined to do so after that night.

These words describe me well: “She’s strong willed, hard headed, brave, courageous, goofy, talented, a worrier” but I have to add a few more to the list for it to be complete. “She’s a survivor; she faces a demon every time she closes her eyes. She fights through PTSD every single day and the nightmares that keep her up at night are enough to drive anyone to drink. She knows what she wants. She stands up for what she believes, she has faith in the knowledge that God put her here for a reason and she prays that someday he’ll make it all ok. Most of all she is an actress for she hides the pain well but she never, ever lets that define who she is.” My best and closest friend describes me like that.


Now you know what most don’t know. Use the knowledge well. Don’t let it change how you view me. I am who I am and that is all I ever want to be.

True Colors

True Colors

When things are hard

And life throws a curve ball

That’s when you know

That’s when you show

You show your true colors

You let the world know

Who you are

What you stand for

You show the world

What your life is all about

For me it is hard

The past and the future

Thay leave me feeling lost scared and alone

They make me question and wonder

Who am I?

What am I doing here?

I know the man with the answer

Its trust ill have to find

Leaving it to him to decide

What this life is all about

He is my true color

My purple green and blue

He knows whats happening

Its in him that I trust

stand

Stand

She sits and she reads

While I sit and I watch

I wonder why that paper is so mush more important than me

I took a stand

I got knocked down

But im gonna stand

Stand not on my own

But stand on the word

While she sits and she reads

I think and I pray

,om I hope someday

You will see

Im taking a stand

Not for me but for you

Ill stand on the word of God

Cuz he gave his life for me and you

He paid the price, the ultimate sacrifice

I hope that you know

It comes from my heart

I love you its true

But Jesus comes first

For me

 And I pray

Someday for you

Not Okay

Not Okay

          There is nothing in the world quite like a good worship service. It is just one of those things that always picks you up no matter what. Last weekend I went to an amazing service with one of my closest friends and it was well worth it.

          I hadn’t been to a service in almost a year. I was having problems with the pastor at the church I had been going to and I didn’t feel comfortable there anymore so I stopped going all together. For a year I watched myself backslide into a place no one should ever be in but that all changed when my bestie asked me to hang out for a while. “We haven’t done anything in forever, why don’t you come with me tonight?” I figures since I had nothing better to do and since I wanted to go out anyway I would go with her. What could possibly go wrong? Well nothing went wrong but a whole lot of things sure did go right!

          For me my faith is something that is just there. It is always under the surface waiting for a chance to shine. That night I got the chance I had been waiting for. The worship was purely amazing. Not a dry eye in the house. You could feel the power of God and the Holy Spirit in the room and you knew no one would walk out without being changed in some way. The preacher was incredible, a man that has seen the most incredible miracles in the poorest parts of the world. He preached healing and revival for two hours and after that it just got better. When we went up for individual prayers and blessings my friend and I fought over who should go first. I said she should go and she said I should go. Finally David, the preacher, pulled me up onto the alter. He prayed for physical, emotional and spiritual healing. We prayer together for a solid five minutes letting God do his work. The spirit laid me flat on the ground and all I could do was soak it all in.

          My best friend experienced the same thing. Like me David prayed with her and without asking a single question he picked up on the things he could never possibly know. It was truly a miracle. My friend, her grandmother, and I were all completely healed. We feel better than we have ever felt in our lives. Cancerous tumors, fibromyalgia, allergies, depression, anxiety, all gone in God’s name. No one can understand if you have never been to a service where such amazing miracles have happened. Some will claim it is all a hoax but I can say this much. I know how I felt a week ago and I know how I feel now and there is only one explanation for it. God is doing mighty things in my life and I can’t wait to see what will happen next.

          At the end of the service I was standing with my friend and we were talking about all that had just happened. Being slain in the spirit is a pretty amazing feeling after all. A lady neither of us knew walked up to us as we were hugging and praying together and she asked a pretty dumb question. “You girls okay?” No lady we aren’t okay, how could we possibly be okay when God just healed fifty people in front of our eyes!