ride

“Ride”

            The thermometer on the wall says 57 in my room and -1 outside my window, not comforting considering its Tuesday and I have school today. As I lay in bed contemplating staying home for more reasons than the obvious I remind myself that I am taking ACC Spanish. I can’t really miss any school until the end of the quarter therefore I decide to  sit up holding my breath for the 5 seconds it takes to actually get that far and swing my feet out onto the freezing floor.

 Mister Moe stares at me with a mixed look of compassion and hunger as he lovingly waits for me to pull on my slipper socks Mom made me last year for Christmas. The unconditional love that rabbit gives me is enough to melt an ice age. He patiently waits in his condo while I get dressed and do all the not so fun stuff I do every morning. As I come back upstairs toting his freshly filled food dish and water bottle I can hear him nudging at his door trying to get out to greet me unsuccessfully. My spoiled little bunny friend still hasn’t learned that I lock his door so he can’t get out during the night. I place his dishes in their rightful places and Moe hops out grateful for his freedom to roam the house.

            We are sitting on my bed when a very the oddest thing happens. Mom pops her head through the door actually smiling, a rare site at 4:30 in the morning.” Take your time today. I am going to drive you guys to school today. Kids with asthma and below zero weather don’t mix well.” UM … Wow! Did she actually just volunteer to drive me to school??? This is crazy, I must be dreaming!

            Half an hour later I make my way downstairs with Chuggy in my arms and Moe at my feet. It has already been a weird morning but in the next hour it would get even better. My usual morning routine with my youngest brother involves a dry diaper, clean onezie, warm socks and new “mammas” as he likes to call them, incredibly smart for 18 months old. We are practicing our colors and clothing names when my Dad offers to make breakfast. At this point it seems like conspiracy after by two brothers have been cooperative and my tyrant of a little sister has been oddly sweet.

            I stop what I am doing and look around. Everyone is up and dressed, in a good mood, coffee is made, my cocoa is ready in my thermos, and it’s only 6:30. WAIT! 6:30 how did that happen it should be only 5:15!! How have I not notices I am running so late today? I look around angry that my family seems so happy when I have only fifteen minutes to get in over an hour’s worth of work before I go to school. That’s when it happens. The craziest thing I ever want to deal with that early in the morning. All my morning chores are done. Dishes, laundry everything! Talk about an awesome morning.

My family may not have it all together but together we have it all. My family banded together to make my morning a great one for no real reason at all. How they pulled it off I will never know but I am sure glad they did. They are the greatest.” And now these three remain, Faith, Hope, and Love but the greatest is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

Time

Time

Its time

It is past time

I am ready

Change is hard

Change is scary

Change is necessary

Only so much

One girl can handle

Only so much one girl can face

Its time

I’m ready

The past is a scary place

Mistrust, blank, painful

It’s time for me to move on

Time to work through this

Time

It’s just time

Just in time

A friend pointed out today

That life like this isn’t life

I’m not willing to let go

I’m not willing to walk away

It hurts and it’s hard

Its time

It is well past time

Just me

Just Me

I just wanna be me

The me that you cant seem to see

Wanna wear pink and frills

Skinny jeans and ribbons in my hair

Smiles and laughter

Not who you want me to be

But that’s just the way its gonna be

Tomboy no more

Gonna be just a girly girl

Don’t frown upon me

Don’t talk behind my back

Time to realize

Im just not who you think I ought to be

I love my playful curls

My bouncy brown hair

Eyes sparkling in the light and a smile on my face

Im just gonna be me

Nothing more and no less

Gonna be the me I wanna see

No more holding back

Got nothing to lose

But so much I can gain

You may never understand how I feel

Im not gonna fight it out

But not gonna let you win either

Gonna be who I want to be

Like it or not

Im in charge of this life

Gonna live it how I want

How I want

Faith

Faith

A young woman sits

In the back rows of a church

Lots of people around her

They think they know a bit about her

A saved teen living a life for God

If only they could see

They think she’s found what she looking for

How very wrong they are

She sings the songs

She lifts up her hands

But still the hurt is there

Hiding just below the surface

Questioning her faith

She fights to find trust

She can’t surrender completely

But she knows she can’t go on

Asking for help

After fighting so long

Feels like defeat

It’s the hardest thing she’s ever faced

The bible says

Faith like a mustard seed grows

That’s her only hope

Take the once of faith she has

Let it grow and grow and grow

Alone she is not

Her closest friend she leans on

Looking for help

Not knowing where to go

Bruised

          Back in September I wrote a response paper venting my frustration with the athletes during spirit week. I recall talking with my best friend and being extremely angry because they had the privilege of being able to play sports and yet they were whining about a hard practice and the calls the ref made and on and on and on it went. I was honestly hurt because here they were living my dream, one I was unfairly robbed of, and they were being so ungrateful about it. I looked at Erica and mumbled just loud enough for them to hear “What I wouldn’t give to be able to ***** about a rough practice or a dumb call!”

          Well here it is June of my senior year. I have been out of the game since seventh grade soccer season and I have never longed to play as much as I did this year. I cant stop thanking God for giving me back the ability to play and not be in pain but there was still something missing. I still had no one to play with and no ball to kick around. Great! I feel good enough to play but how am I supposed to play alone with no ball? Well as awesome as my God is he answered me rather quickly on the Wednesday night I asked the all too obvious question.

At seven thirty or so there was a knock on the door. I was home alone chilling in my boxers. I just about hit the ceiling when the dogs went off. After taking a moment to collect my thoughts I walked, or rather stumbled over the still barking hound/lab mix, to the door to find a returning something she had borrowed. I walked down the ramp and before I had made it to the bottom another fried that lives across the street from me chirped in. “Wanna play?” I couldn’t believe it 20 minutes earlier I was fuming because I was alone with no ball. Now I was standing barefoot in boxers in the middle of the street and she was asking me to play a game of two on two soccer! All I managed was a blunt “What do you think?” Of course I was going to play and I did!

We played for two hours until the sun was going down. Kay and I won our game and I have the trophy to show for it. I never imagined I would be proud to show one off. Never in a million years would I have guessed that something so simple would mean so much. It’s shaped like a perfect soccer ball, hexagons and all, just inside my left knee. A big, ugly, beautifully gross looking, blue and purple bruise.  It sounds so strange but that bruise is the symbol of a new start for me, of a life actually worth living. One where I can wake up in the morning and say I think I’m going to go for a run before breakfast, a life that I always wanted to have but never thought I cold have. God healed my body. Now I have begun to heal my mind. I wake up everyday smiling now because I know I am going to be able to do what I love to do and that I am once again the person I want to be. Mentally I was always a good person but it’s a whole lot easier to be me when I can actually do what I enjoy without the fear of crippling pain afterward. All of that wrapped up in a oddly shaped blue and purple bruise. So weird but yet so very true!

Behind The Scenes

Behind The Scenes

 

It is the end of March. I am a senior. I am graduating in three months. Talk about not being prepared! In September I start a new life but what about now? I have never been really open about what happens after the last bell rings but this past week I have been thinking a lot and I have realized that it’s what happens behind the scenes that really matter.

          Three major projects are due in the next week and a half. All of them seem to be exactly what I am good at. Art, music, and writing have been always been my favorite ways to spend my free time. It seems almost unreal that in three classes I get to create projects that I absolutely love. Write a play for Lambert, build an island for Bunker, and create a road trip presentation for Hardin. I have spent more time doing stuff I love over the past week than I have spent doing anything I enjoy over the past three months combined. This could not have come at a better time for me.

          I am not like most of my friends. I don’t spend a lot of time out with other people and I don’t like going to the mall or spending a fortune on stuff I really don’t need. In the end all I really want to do is be alone. I want to read and write and paint and create and build stuff and be outside. That is who I am. I would rather spend my weekend on a farm mucking stalls and cleaning the barn than going out shopping and partying with my friends.

          People think it’s weird that I never go out. That I spend all my time alone or with my family. They call me odd and they call me a freak of nature but all I really am I me. Behind the scenes when no one is watching I am just me. Nothing special and nothing great. I just know who I am and what I love. Is there really anything wrong with that? Don’t ask me how I am or how I am feeling. You will get the same answer every time you do, I’m ok. Ask me what I created today or what I am reading or where I am going. Chances are if you really want to know what’s on my mind you will find it in some of my art or floating about on the wind after as I fly about in the great outdoors.